Venting Good things happening to me make me feel bad

[rizleechboy]

A common thing that sometimes occurs with me is that good things always end up make me feel horrible. Not sure why. They fill me with dread and guilt and I always feel like I definitely do not deserve it. I got my art into an student exhibition and all it did was give me a panic attack. What's the point of me having great luck all of the time for me to never feel happy about it? Why should good things happen to me if i can't even feel good about them?

Today my dad agreed to travel 6 hours to NYC with me on the off chance that I might get extra tickets to a sold out show. When they announced the show in NYC, it sold out in about 30 min. But now the venue has said they will offer extra tickets day of. This is a good thing. I have been obsessed with these comedians for 2 years, I've at least spent 300 hours making fanart for them, I've seen their stuff 5 times over. It is a good thing. This means so much to me.

As soon as my dad agreed I had to leave to the bathroom to start sobbing and hyperventilating. I feel horrible about the whole thing. He's missing work, I'm missing a full 2 days of my uni classes, and the whole thing is costing a lot of money. And I couldn't even feel good or excited. I think maybe it's just because it's not preplanned, that it's left up to chance. But I don't know. It feels so stupid. I don't think I deserve any of it. I think I will get there and not even get the tickets and have a full breakdown right there in public. Pathetic. Or I'll get in but feel like I'm not meant to be there at all. Like I've stolen something.

I don't know. I think I just wish I could feel happy about things that should make me happy. I always feel ashamed and guilty. All of the time. Good things happening to me just makes it more obvious that I'm definitely supposed to be dead.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Have a watch. I'm 35 but similar aspects of it do come up. Parents, peers, friend groups, school - a lot of factors can royally mess you up.

 

[rizleechboy]

Have a watch. I'm 35 but similar aspects of it do come up. Parents, peers, friend groups, school - a lot of factors can royally mess you up.

I feel very reluctant to accept this as true, but I guess that's the point. I mean, I know where it all comes from. But it feels a bit pathetic that I'm fucked in the head and chronically want to kill myself all because my mom said some mean things when I was younger. And she doesn't talk to me the way she used to anymore. I'm very close to her. The mother that lives in my head and the woman I live with in real life are totally separate people to me.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I feel very reluctant to accept this as true, but I guess that's the point. I mean, I know where it all comes from. But it feels a bit pathetic that I'm fucked in the head and chronically want to kill myself all because my mom said some mean things when I was younger. And she doesn't talk to me the way she used to anymore. I'm very close to her. The mother that lives in my head and the woman I live with in real life are totally separate people to me.

It's a snippet - I don't think it's a good idea to go way into the deep end (I could pull out a folder and sub-section each piece). Anyways it all child trauma stuff. This short visuals it so so well. The dad with narcissism is similar to my mother -

 

[rizleechboy]

It's a snippet - I don't think it's a good idea to go way into the deep end (I could pull out a folder and sub-section each piece). Anyways it all child trauma stuff. This short visuals it so so well. The dad with narcissism is similar to my mother -

I meant the mother in my head is mean and my mom irl is very nice. I don't know. I think I had on okay childhood. It's a great video though, thanks

 

[minusgrader]

A common thing that sometimes occurs with me is that good things always end up make me feel horrible. Not sure why. They fill me with dread and guilt and I always feel like I definitely do not deserve it. I got my art into an student exhibition and all it did was give me a panic attack. What's the point of me having great luck all of the time for me to never feel happy about it? Why should good things happen to me if i can't even feel good about them?

Today my dad agreed to travel 6 hours to NYC with me on the off chance that I might get extra tickets to a sold out show. When they announced the show in NYC, it sold out in about 30 min. But now the venue has said they will offer extra tickets day of. This is a good thing. I have been obsessed with these comedians for 2 years, I've at least spent 300 hours making fanart for them, I've seen their stuff 5 times over. It is a good thing. This means so much to me.

As soon as my dad agreed I had to leave to the bathroom to start sobbing and hyperventilating. I feel horrible about the whole thing. He's missing work, I'm missing a full 2 days of my uni classes, and the whole thing is costing a lot of money. And I couldn't even feel good or excited. I think maybe it's just because it's not preplanned, that it's left up to chance. But I don't know. It feels so stupid. I don't think I deserve any of it. I think I will get there and not even get the tickets and have a full breakdown right there in public. Pathetic. Or I'll get in but feel like I'm not meant to be there at all. Like I've stolen something.

I don't know. I think I just wish I could feel happy about things that should make me happy. I always feel ashamed and guilty. All of the time. Good things happening to me just makes it more obvious that I'm definitely supposed to be dead.

This resonated with me. Whenever someone does something nice for me I feel like crying, or I actually do cry because I feel so guilty about it. Even when I think about nice things someone did for me years ago I get a rush of anxiety. It's awful. I try to remind myself (and sometimes it helps a bit) that part of why people do nice things for others is because it makes them feel good about themselves. When I frame it like that I don't feel quite as selfish and guilty when someone does something nice for me.

 

[Meteora]

I can relate. I think it is because we feel guilty and like we don't deserve help, support etc.
Did you get the tickets?
Does your dad make you feel guilty in general?