5 Years ago in 2021, I tried to OD on atenolol, I was young back then (17 at the time). I had broken up with a girl that I felt I loved with every cell in my body, and I thought she didn't care about me. (she did, I didn't see it then). I was so done with life, so "lifeless". I did my research and thought that 3 months worth of medication would definitely be the end of me. So I said my goodbyes, left the people I was somewhat close to a little thank you note, hugged my mum, my pets, said my goodbyes, cried a little. Later that night I downed everything I had. I remember I played a depressing song while I was doing it too. Then I went to bed and cried a little, like I was sad to go, but I wasn't regretful or anything.
Then I woke up the next day, I didn't know what to think about it, It was just a feeling of "why am I still here". But I carried on with my day as usual, although feeling extremely emotional exhausted. This cycle continued, I never told anyone what I had done, until the next year.
2022, I was still 'broken hearted' about her. I managed to form a system where I could still call and chat with her (we were in different schools now). I think she had a feeling something was off, so she stuck around, giving me her life updates, chatting with me all night. At one point I told her everything , how I was "in love", how I tried to kms after her. What I didn't realise was when I was telling her all this, she was listening, concerned, but caring. She then would check up on me, let me know she was there for me, and although I still liked her very much, I knew she was too far out from my reach. But I felt comfortable around her, being able to express my emotions, let all my problems out. later that year, when my 18 birthday came, I told her I wanted to go out for dinner with her, and she agreed. I still don't know why she agreed, maybe she didn't mind going as friends, or she thought I might do something if she didn't, but she went. I had a wonderful evening (although at one point I had my first drink, and found out I was horribly weak with alcohol). Anyways, she walked me back home (she thought I was drunk, I think I was okay, but she insisted).
Anyways, we sort of drifted apart, and I found a group of friends to have the late night conversations with, and slowly the thought of ending my life slowly seeped away. [if for some miracle you see this J, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.
I forgot to mention, around the time I told her about my attempt, she contacted a helpline, which I then spoke to, and had a lovely therapist to talk to, although half the time I didn't know what I was rambling about, but it was nice to have someone who could give proper advice on improving.
in 2024, I was playing a online game with a (then) close friend (different girl from previously), and while playing, she introduced me to her classmate, who I instantly hit it off with. We were on call almost 100% of the time, and a month later we met in person. The next day, spurred on by the mutual friend, I confessed to her, and we got together. Since then, she is, and always has been the real highlight of my days, and being with her makes me so happy to be alive. Today, it's been basically 2 and a half years since we've been together, we are planning our futures together, met each others parents, had our ups and downs, and I will treasure every single day.
looking back, I feel it was really dumb of me to try killing myself. But at the same time, I know how I felt, so overwhelmed, but at the same time so empty, like I had nothing to achieve, nothing to enjoy. So I know that it really wasn't a choice, but Im glad that I didn't do it right, that I had a 'second chance at life, a second chance at everything.'
if you made it to here, through my incoherent rambling and venting, thank you, and I wish you happiness, through whatever you choose to do. Just know that even if life feels bad, and you are at the lowest point in your life, (I know people say it a lot, but it's true, "it only gets better from here")
signing off in a positive way,
(Bright)starlight
Then I woke up the next day, I didn't know what to think about it, It was just a feeling of "why am I still here". But I carried on with my day as usual, although feeling extremely emotional exhausted. This cycle continued, I never told anyone what I had done, until the next year.
2022, I was still 'broken hearted' about her. I managed to form a system where I could still call and chat with her (we were in different schools now). I think she had a feeling something was off, so she stuck around, giving me her life updates, chatting with me all night. At one point I told her everything , how I was "in love", how I tried to kms after her. What I didn't realise was when I was telling her all this, she was listening, concerned, but caring. She then would check up on me, let me know she was there for me, and although I still liked her very much, I knew she was too far out from my reach. But I felt comfortable around her, being able to express my emotions, let all my problems out. later that year, when my 18 birthday came, I told her I wanted to go out for dinner with her, and she agreed. I still don't know why she agreed, maybe she didn't mind going as friends, or she thought I might do something if she didn't, but she went. I had a wonderful evening (although at one point I had my first drink, and found out I was horribly weak with alcohol). Anyways, she walked me back home (she thought I was drunk, I think I was okay, but she insisted).
Anyways, we sort of drifted apart, and I found a group of friends to have the late night conversations with, and slowly the thought of ending my life slowly seeped away. [if for some miracle you see this J, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.
I forgot to mention, around the time I told her about my attempt, she contacted a helpline, which I then spoke to, and had a lovely therapist to talk to, although half the time I didn't know what I was rambling about, but it was nice to have someone who could give proper advice on improving.
in 2024, I was playing a online game with a (then) close friend (different girl from previously), and while playing, she introduced me to her classmate, who I instantly hit it off with. We were on call almost 100% of the time, and a month later we met in person. The next day, spurred on by the mutual friend, I confessed to her, and we got together. Since then, she is, and always has been the real highlight of my days, and being with her makes me so happy to be alive. Today, it's been basically 2 and a half years since we've been together, we are planning our futures together, met each others parents, had our ups and downs, and I will treasure every single day.
looking back, I feel it was really dumb of me to try killing myself. But at the same time, I know how I felt, so overwhelmed, but at the same time so empty, like I had nothing to achieve, nothing to enjoy. So I know that it really wasn't a choice, but Im glad that I didn't do it right, that I had a 'second chance at life, a second chance at everything.'
if you made it to here, through my incoherent rambling and venting, thank you, and I wish you happiness, through whatever you choose to do. Just know that even if life feels bad, and you are at the lowest point in your life, (I know people say it a lot, but it's true, "it only gets better from here")
signing off in a positive way,
(Bright)starlight
