Story Good morning... personal update.

[Livingvsdying25]

On certain websites and such theres like a lot of online events during the day and stuff.

Sometimes in the morning I take a look and like/favorite what I might wanna go to.

Sometimes I find certain groups and stuff helpful but for harder days I do find keeping busy in those kinda ways a bit helpful.

Sometimes more familiar groups/spaces are easier but yeahh.


Its 9am where im at and I don't have therapy until later this evening. So, im free today and not much I need to do kinda things.


Yesterday was pretty awful tbh. Felt suicidal so felt "well its the end anyway" but ended up calling my Mom and all she did was criticize my gofundme and tell me im not autistic and how some of the wording bothered her and put off her family. But she said she literally didn't read it all.


My aunt eventually called me to tell me "she can't do the money thing" and basically can't help out for whatever reason. I didn't even initiate the money talk and damnn not being alone or alone in this would be a nice thing too but hooo well... I blocked her this morning. I can and have done better than her bullshit. She can afford to help me financially she just doesn't want to.

Then was suggesting my Mom come and clean here. So I leave my place for like an hour so my mom can clean without us interacting.... she's fucking insane. Even just talking to my mom made my nervous system feel weird as fuck.


Soo yee good thing I called my mom on an app so I just deleted that. For the whole week my Dad has not called me probs instead just getting updates from my brother. I have called him twice no answer no text. So Dad is blocked too.

Im sick of being treated like this. I do deserve better. Im not just gonna sink back into abuse bc I need some support in life. I'll find it within friends or strangers that will hopefully become community.... but I'm not gonna be diminished or treated like shit for any kinda support. Literally why I moved and sooo glad I'm away from them.



So today I'm feelin a lil better, nervous system a lil weird but not too bad.

Sometimes being shown the wrong treatment highlights the good. This open mic group I used to attend and started to recently was willing to let me not only share my gofundme link but was saying he'll share it on the insta and in the email that goes out... like I was there when the open mic was just starting out but haven't been in a few months since I started again last week so... was really amazing. The group is super loving so.. it was really nice tbh.




Soo yee that's my update. I'm trying to live for now and rn I think that is enough. The long term really matters to me but I can vibe with the short term for now...


I didn't sleep that well bc of everything so I may just try to go back to sleep or if I can't may try to join a group. Shall see how the day goes on.


I still feel kinda suicidal but I'm feeling like looking up. My life has been full of shit like my family's neglect. I'm sooo over it. I'm lucky enough to live on my own and lucky enough to be able to do my own thing. Im lucky enough to have spaces and people in which I find comfort and acceptance. Im lucky enough to have found a good therapist and do a lot of self work around things.

Soo I'm gonna value my life. That's my choice for today.

 

[Pluto]

Quite a lot of people find themselves in this predicament of having a family that does more harm than good, yet nowhere else to turn. And sometimes the result of trauma (the nervous system damage) is difficulty making the social connections we need, when we need them the most. Worse, we can easily get taken advantage of by predators. It's quite the conundrum. I hope you are successful with your group interactions and wish you the very best.

 

[realname]

Thanks.
I typed in "most successful" & your post popped up so feeling serendipitous.

I felt what u said all the way to my core. It also feels like not only taken advantage of by predators but turning neutral/positive connections and people into villains on auto pilot in my mind so I recreate the abuse.
feels never ending & that's a main motivator to die.
i am split into 13 pieces & feel diseased/damned to repeat things over and over and why?
For who?
I'm most definitely profiting someone with my life, as the labor -which I only do bc housing/food is threatened- is pointless and all consuming.

i keep thinking how I'm cheaper than a robot.
it would be a threat to capitalism if all their precious laborers ctb.
It would push AI replacements I think.
Omg I trailed

 

[neurotic]

I'm so happy for you. I'm glad you've found a moment of ease if it was just for today. I wish the best for you tomorrow

 

[realname]

Also @whatevertryinmeans23 I for some reason just saw ur post. I'm in a similar spot w my family as far as invalidation/nervous system derailing/ppl who could help financially but don't and never will no matter if I'm bordering being unsheltered.
Tough to stomach
I am inspired by your groups it sounds helpful to have those options when everyone has disappeared.

Also Cool about the open mic too that reinforces for me that family will dwindle inevitably in my situation but it will push me into new spaces (I hope)

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Thanks everyone so much for the well wishes and suchhhh

I didn't go to any groups yesterday but did go to some today and tbh it was quite nice perhaps I'll make another post/update.


Im sorry for the peoppe that cab relate regarding family.

@realname yeee theres a lot of like trauma with relationships and such but Im finding that continuing to seek and focus on the good spaces has been better but hard to focus on the positive at times

 

[Readytogo246]

Family can be so hard and difficult! Especially when there isn't real communication and they are just pretending. Keep seeing through it and you will find a way.