It is a college self-help group with many young people. I am part of it since half a year now. Last week was the first time I explained my serious suicidal thoughts. That I am battling with them since over a decade, that two of my therapists have given up on me/think I gonna kill myself. Some were sort of shocked after what I explained.
Recently we met again. And there was this woman I had a crush on. The last time we met I thought maybe we don't fit together anyway. I found out she has a bf in that session. But today damn. It sort of broke my heart. She is smart and funny. I like her but she has a bf and I think she does not like me. When I opened up about suicidality last week she was not present. She also tried to gaslight me but I am so used to it. Most people say things like "This or that works for me if you do the same you will feel better." She more or less blamed it on me but it was subtle at least.
Since I opened up about my suicidality I am more open about my mental torment. in this group I have come to a point where I say I don't find a gf in that group anyway so I can go full truth on my pain and suicidality I don't give a fuck. Always being careful enough not to risk an involuntary clinic stay. Noone in this group seems to give a fuck anyway as long as I am not saying "Hey by the way I kill myself tomorrow! Goodbye".
Today I also spoke about my extreme suffering. I am still pretty on the surface when I talk bout it. I described my torture hell that wants to drive me to commit suicide at the surface. When I said that college triggers and tortures me so much that I hallucinate and I develop delusions the members who were not present last week were pretty shocked. The face of another woman we pretty funny when I explained how I feel. One person seemed to be pretty sad. I think they don't know how to handle me. I am in excruciating mental pain like all the time. I think most people are overwhelmed by it. I am scared they will say that I ruin everyone's mood if I go on like that. I already see that coming. Such honesty usually is not appreciated offline (outside this forum.)
I am still sad about my crush in that group. I will never be together with her. The conversation we had today was pretty awesome. Just another reason to kill myself. I will never have a romantic relationship. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the clinic I might go to. The self help group was pretty stirring and fiery. (I hope these are the right words.) But it is also relieving being able to openly speak about my pain. I don't really know what I expect from them. I would not be that open if I wasn't sort of acute suicidal. (but I don't communicate the acute suicidality). I have the feeling I might not live that long. College starts soon and I just cannot cope with the pain much longer. The first weeks at college will be extremely stressful. I am sort of scared I kill myself pretty quickly after the start.
One person wanted me to nudge in the following direction. Sometimes we have to evaluate which measures are needed in certain situations. I am not sure but I think he wanted to tell me "If you are acute suicidal it is time to go to a clinic." I responded that I realized that certain topics are better talked about with friends or people online. "I am in online self-help group for people with mental problems". It was hard not starting laughing when I said that part.
Practically yes I think it is smart to talk about suicidality with a professional before you do it. Especially if you never had therapy thus far. However, I tried insanely much to get better. And I am not willed that they take away my freedom involuntarily.
I am not sure how to stomach this session. I am not sure whether it was a net positive. I should give up my crush on her she is not reachable for me.
Recently we met again. And there was this woman I had a crush on. The last time we met I thought maybe we don't fit together anyway. I found out she has a bf in that session. But today damn. It sort of broke my heart. She is smart and funny. I like her but she has a bf and I think she does not like me. When I opened up about suicidality last week she was not present. She also tried to gaslight me but I am so used to it. Most people say things like "This or that works for me if you do the same you will feel better." She more or less blamed it on me but it was subtle at least.
Since I opened up about my suicidality I am more open about my mental torment. in this group I have come to a point where I say I don't find a gf in that group anyway so I can go full truth on my pain and suicidality I don't give a fuck. Always being careful enough not to risk an involuntary clinic stay. Noone in this group seems to give a fuck anyway as long as I am not saying "Hey by the way I kill myself tomorrow! Goodbye".
Today I also spoke about my extreme suffering. I am still pretty on the surface when I talk bout it. I described my torture hell that wants to drive me to commit suicide at the surface. When I said that college triggers and tortures me so much that I hallucinate and I develop delusions the members who were not present last week were pretty shocked. The face of another woman we pretty funny when I explained how I feel. One person seemed to be pretty sad. I think they don't know how to handle me. I am in excruciating mental pain like all the time. I think most people are overwhelmed by it. I am scared they will say that I ruin everyone's mood if I go on like that. I already see that coming. Such honesty usually is not appreciated offline (outside this forum.)
I am still sad about my crush in that group. I will never be together with her. The conversation we had today was pretty awesome. Just another reason to kill myself. I will never have a romantic relationship. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the clinic I might go to. The self help group was pretty stirring and fiery. (I hope these are the right words.) But it is also relieving being able to openly speak about my pain. I don't really know what I expect from them. I would not be that open if I wasn't sort of acute suicidal. (but I don't communicate the acute suicidality). I have the feeling I might not live that long. College starts soon and I just cannot cope with the pain much longer. The first weeks at college will be extremely stressful. I am sort of scared I kill myself pretty quickly after the start.
One person wanted me to nudge in the following direction. Sometimes we have to evaluate which measures are needed in certain situations. I am not sure but I think he wanted to tell me "If you are acute suicidal it is time to go to a clinic." I responded that I realized that certain topics are better talked about with friends or people online. "I am in online self-help group for people with mental problems". It was hard not starting laughing when I said that part.
Practically yes I think it is smart to talk about suicidality with a professional before you do it. Especially if you never had therapy thus far. However, I tried insanely much to get better. And I am not willed that they take away my freedom involuntarily.
I am not sure how to stomach this session. I am not sure whether it was a net positive. I should give up my crush on her she is not reachable for me.
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