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noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,346
It is a college self-help group with many young people. I am part of it since half a year now. Last week was the first time I explained my serious suicidal thoughts. That I am battling with them since over a decade, that two of my therapists have given up on me/think I gonna kill myself. Some were sort of shocked after what I explained.

Recently we met again. And there was this woman I had a crush on. The last time we met I thought maybe we don't fit together anyway. I found out she has a bf in that session. But today damn. It sort of broke my heart. She is smart and funny. I like her but she has a bf and I think she does not like me. When I opened up about suicidality last week she was not present. She also tried to gaslight me but I am so used to it. Most people say things like "This or that works for me if you do the same you will feel better." She more or less blamed it on me but it was subtle at least.

Since I opened up about my suicidality I am more open about my mental torment. in this group I have come to a point where I say I don't find a gf in that group anyway so I can go full truth on my pain and suicidality I don't give a fuck. Always being careful enough not to risk an involuntary clinic stay. Noone in this group seems to give a fuck anyway as long as I am not saying "Hey by the way I kill myself tomorrow! Goodbye".


Today I also spoke about my extreme suffering. I am still pretty on the surface when I talk bout it. I described my torture hell that wants to drive me to commit suicide at the surface. When I said that college triggers and tortures me so much that I hallucinate and I develop delusions the members who were not present last week were pretty shocked. The face of another woman we pretty funny when I explained how I feel. One person seemed to be pretty sad. I think they don't know how to handle me. I am in excruciating mental pain like all the time. I think most people are overwhelmed by it. I am scared they will say that I ruin everyone's mood if I go on like that. I already see that coming. Such honesty usually is not appreciated offline (outside this forum.)

I am still sad about my crush in that group. I will never be together with her. The conversation we had today was pretty awesome. Just another reason to kill myself. I will never have a romantic relationship. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the clinic I might go to. The self help group was pretty stirring and fiery. (I hope these are the right words.) But it is also relieving being able to openly speak about my pain. I don't really know what I expect from them. I would not be that open if I wasn't sort of acute suicidal. (but I don't communicate the acute suicidality). I have the feeling I might not live that long. College starts soon and I just cannot cope with the pain much longer. The first weeks at college will be extremely stressful. I am sort of scared I kill myself pretty quickly after the start.

One person wanted me to nudge in the following direction. Sometimes we have to evaluate which measures are needed in certain situations. I am not sure but I think he wanted to tell me "If you are acute suicidal it is time to go to a clinic." I responded that I realized that certain topics are better talked about with friends or people online. "I am in online self-help group for people with mental problems". It was hard not starting laughing when I said that part.

Practically yes I think it is smart to talk about suicidality with a professional before you do it. Especially if you never had therapy thus far. However, I tried insanely much to get better. And I am not willed that they take away my freedom involuntarily.

I am not sure how to stomach this session. I am not sure whether it was a net positive. I should give up my crush on her she is not reachable for me.
 
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noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,346
Bump

The other woman looked like "What the actual fuck did he just say?!" When I described the surface of my mental anguish.
 
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voidstar

voidstar

time heals nothing.
Jan 7, 2024
137
Personally not a friend of group therapy for these issues, I also had a group once but it did nothing for me. Mainly because the therapist there didn't want me to talk about me being suicidal.
I hope you can pull through a bit longer, I wish you all the strength you'll need. And ofc I'm always here to listen.
 
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Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
7,543
I think it's brave to say that in front of a group of people. I guess we never know what other people are thinking. I suppose a part of me would be surprised if other people were surprised I felt like this. Sometimes I maybe assume that lots of people secretly feel the same way but, maybe they don't.

I'm sorry about your crush. I can relate to those feelings. I used to feel hopeful about different guys in the past. Sometimes really ridiculous ideas that maybe this new person I was about to meet would be 'the one' and it was kind of crushing when those hope were always dashed.

I think it's good you opened up. It's a way of trying everything I suppose before definitely deciding to CTB. I don't know what the answer is, as to the guy suggesting the clinic. Sometimes we do actually need someone else I think to push us towards things. A friend's Mum once encouraged me to talk to the college therapist. Sometimes it does need someone to say- things are that bad and you do deserve help. But ultimately, it has to be up to you. I guess going to these support groups, you are still in some way trying to help yourself live. I guess only you can answer how far you're willing to go to protect and try to live your life.
 
N

noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,346
I think it's brave to say that in front of a group of people. I guess we never know what other people are thinking. I suppose a part of me would be surprised if other people were surprised I felt like this. Sometimes I maybe assume that lots of people secretly feel the same way but, maybe they don't.

I'm sorry about your crush. I can relate to those feelings. I used to feel hopeful about different guys in the past. Sometimes really ridiculous ideas that maybe this new person I was about to meet would be 'the one' and it was kind of crushing when those hope were always dashed.

I think it's good you opened up. It's a way of trying everything I suppose before definitely deciding to CTB. I don't know what the answer is, as to the guy suggesting the clinic. Sometimes we do actually need someone else I think to push us towards things. A friend's Mum once encouraged me to talk to the college therapist. Sometimes it does need someone to say- things are that bad and you do deserve help. But ultimately, it has to be up to you. I guess going to these support groups, you are still in some way trying to help yourself live. I guess only you can answer how far you're willing to go to protect and try to live your life.
Thank you for calling me brave. There is always a risk involved you get hurt if you show that you are vulnerable. Which happens from time to time. But it is better than living in the shadows at least for me.
 
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tvoisluga

tvoisluga

trapped in a body
Dec 22, 2023
96
i often go unhinged and burn bridges because of it i cant control it, the fact i dont care for other humans helps me not gaf if the whole world is against me, but sadly you are weaker alone