Himeasa
Member
- Feb 6, 2023
- 53
Hello.
Last Tuesday, February 6th, I tried to hang myself. I almost succeeded, had my SI not activated at the very last second. My vision was growing darker and darker. I felt the life proverbially flowing out of me. That was it. That would have been it. Yet, at the very least, I know that I can do it. At any point, I could just leave. The following Wednesday I tried several times over to replicate my first attempt, but strangely, all of them failed and did not apply proper pressure.
I'm ambivalent on life. It's not that it cannot categorically be worth it. That however is always after the fact of the inherent friction of existence. You always hunger before your hunger is satisfied, just for your hunger to return. We are genetic vessels and all the romanticism of happiness and all are bullshit. We just cope. I could become "happy" I suppose, but I am not willing to put the work in. I just don't want this effort. Why would I want to live in the first place? I didn't enter this game on my own and thus there is no shame in exiting it. I'm not willing to wait 5 - 10 years for my existence to potentially outweigh my intrinsic agony. It's a calculation. A biased calculation perhaps, maybe even wrong depending on your philosophical or moral standpoint, but it is the result I am going with. And once I'm dead, I'll lack any frame of reference since I'll be dead. Floor's made out of floor.
It's probably going to take me a while to find the proper spot on my neck and all.
But you know what? The thought of death doesn't scare me, apart from the SI inhabiting my lizard brain. In fact, it is euphoric. The idea (experience) of my vision dimming and my brain shutting off, as I almost managed it, feels so, so, so sweet. Plus the euphoria from hanging. It's utterly fascinating. If anything, I can experience this wonderful process of death. All else is boring.
Last Tuesday, February 6th, I tried to hang myself. I almost succeeded, had my SI not activated at the very last second. My vision was growing darker and darker. I felt the life proverbially flowing out of me. That was it. That would have been it. Yet, at the very least, I know that I can do it. At any point, I could just leave. The following Wednesday I tried several times over to replicate my first attempt, but strangely, all of them failed and did not apply proper pressure.
I'm ambivalent on life. It's not that it cannot categorically be worth it. That however is always after the fact of the inherent friction of existence. You always hunger before your hunger is satisfied, just for your hunger to return. We are genetic vessels and all the romanticism of happiness and all are bullshit. We just cope. I could become "happy" I suppose, but I am not willing to put the work in. I just don't want this effort. Why would I want to live in the first place? I didn't enter this game on my own and thus there is no shame in exiting it. I'm not willing to wait 5 - 10 years for my existence to potentially outweigh my intrinsic agony. It's a calculation. A biased calculation perhaps, maybe even wrong depending on your philosophical or moral standpoint, but it is the result I am going with. And once I'm dead, I'll lack any frame of reference since I'll be dead. Floor's made out of floor.
It's probably going to take me a while to find the proper spot on my neck and all.
But you know what? The thought of death doesn't scare me, apart from the SI inhabiting my lizard brain. In fact, it is euphoric. The idea (experience) of my vision dimming and my brain shutting off, as I almost managed it, feels so, so, so sweet. Plus the euphoria from hanging. It's utterly fascinating. If anything, I can experience this wonderful process of death. All else is boring.
