Discussion Going through with it in the absence of depression

[wiggy]

Or severe mental distress in general.

It seems that the discussion of suicide as it exists today is centered around people who find themselves in some extreme kind of mental anguish. My own story is a bit different though in that I have come to the decision to end my own life, but I am not, as of now, depressed or otherwise mentally unwell(at least by my own account). I would prefer to go on living, but unfortunately that is not a tenable option.

Despite the fact it has not been so hard to cope with the notion of death, there is one big roadbump which I know I'm bound to run into - actually going through with it. Even among people who are in deep suffering, the vast majority can't overcome the very powerful survival instincts we're all equipped with when the time comes to flip off the lights. I am not in deep suffering at the moment, so I know that counting on my nerves is a losing battle.

I would like to hear if anyone else can relate or appreciate this little conundrum. And if there might be any resources one could look into in order to build up the kind of mental fortitude necessary to go through with it under a more or less normal state of mind.

Wishing you all the best,

E

 

[theshund]

Yes, I can relate. I had mental health problems which I sought help for and overcame, finding myself in a place of (for want of a better word) normality. But during the process my mood swings (non violent but irrational) traumatised my family (wife and kids) and I am now estranged from them.

Alone and in the aftermath of all that I am beset by guilt, jobless, homeless (in that I live variously in my car, on the street or in a friend's caravan) and penniless. I still love my family but they have cut me lose. In my anguish and with no way to go back and repair the past and no hope of redemption in their eyes, I am bereft of any meaning in my life. I wouldn't say I'm depressed and certainly not clinically depressed, just incredibly sad and alone. The fact that life with my family was idyllic before my mental health crisis makes the pill all the harder to swallow (no pun intended).

I'm not terminally ill or suffering from any unbearable pain that isn't psychological, nor do I have mental health issues anymore. I suffered from a kind of bi-polar which was triggered by prescription medication and which went away after I stopped the medication. Stopping took time as I suffered horrific withdrawal. That plus the initial bi-polar mania and depression turned my family against me.

Suicide doesn't seem like a choice but the only option I have.

SI is a bitch. I've attempted to ctb 3 times and SI stopped me twice. The third time the attempt just went wrong (exit bag with N2, which I now know is one of the most technically difficult methods). SI kicked in then too but I was at absolute bedrock and I do think you have to be in order to get past that wall. If you are not absolutely 100% determined and committed SI will stop you.

 

[wiggy]

Yes, I can relate. I had mental health problems which I sought help for and overcame, finding myself in a place of (for want of a better word) normality. But during the process my mood swings (non violent but irrational) traumatised my family (wife and kids) and I am now estranged from them.

Alone and in the aftermath of all that I am beset by guilt, jobless, homeless (in that I live variously in my car, on the street or in a friend's caravan) and penniless. I still love my family but they have cut me lose. In my anguish and with no way to go back and repair the past and no hope of redemption in their eyes, I am bereft of any meaning in my life. I wouldn't say I'm depressed and certainly not clinically depressed, just incredibly sad and alone. The fact that life with my family was idyllic before my mental health crisis makes the pill all the harder to swallow (no pun intended).

I'm not terminally ill or suffering from any unbearable pain that isn't psychological, nor do I have mental health issues anymore. I suffered from a kind of bi-polar which was triggered by prescription medication and which went away after I stopped the medication. Stopping took time as I suffered horrific withdrawal. That plus the initial bi-polar mania and depression turned my family against me.

Suicide doesn't seem like a choice but the only option I have.

SI is a bitch. I've attempted to ctb 3 times and SI stopped me twice. The third time the attempt just went wrong (exit bag with N2, which I now know is one of the most technically difficult methods). SI kicked in then too but I was at absolute bedrock and I do think you have to be in order to get past that wall. If you are not absolutely 100% determined and committed SI will stop you.

Thank you for your thoughts. As I understand it, you were psychologically able to go through with it last time, but were stopped due to technical error, is that correct? A couple points of note:

a. Do you feel like you built up a tolerance for it over multiple attempts? In researching suicide it seems like the odds of success tend to increase sharply the more times suicide has been attempted in the past. By your third attempt, did you feel like you were in sufficient control of your survival instincts?
b. Regarding method selection, it seems to me if your heart's not "in it" so to speak, that it would be better to go with technically easier methods. I imagine it must be much harder to keep your wits about you while setting up a complex device than it is with something more straightforward. Did you feel like this was the case? What was your experience with different methods?

 

[theshund]

Thank you for your thoughts. As I understand it, you were psychologically able to go through with it last time, but were stopped due to technical error, is that correct? A couple points of note:

a. Do you feel like you built up a tolerance for it over multiple attempts? In researching suicide it seems like the odds of success tend to increase sharply the more times suicide has been attempted in the past. By your third attempt, did you feel like you were in sufficient control of your survival instincts?
b. Regarding method selection, it seems to me if your heart's not "in it" so to speak, that it would be better to go with technically easier methods. I imagine it must be much harder to keep your wits about you while setting up a complex device than it is with something more straightforward. Did you feel like this was the case? What was your experience with different methods?

I suspect there's more to a than meets the eye. If a person persists in attempting suicide I imagine there's increasing levels of despair as their situation has gone on for longer without improving so a greater likelihood they will succeed in ignoring SI. This is certainly true of me. Also, each failed attempt inflicts fresh trauma which deepens the state of despair. I can't speak to tolerance with people who have mental health issues - it's possible but unlikely. The SI never becomes more familiar or easier to deal with. It is constant.

Do an experiment to prove this to yourself. Put a plastic bag over your head and tighten the opening around your neck then breathe until the co2 buildup triggers your natural panic response. That's what SI feels like psychologically, if not always physically or literally, and that's what you face dealing with at the horizon of no return. Unless you choose a swift and irreversible method like jumping off a skyscraper or in front of a train, you will give in if you can. Even with those two examples SI will wreak havoc during the build up.

You need to be at rock bottom or completely out of other options.

It is a good question though because euthanasia doesn't seem to fit. Maybe having loved ones around you and someone else administering the process makes the SI easier to deal with. I imagine being trapped physically feels much the same as being trapped by a situation like mine. You feel a sense of enormous injustice which removes any respect you might once have had for life. Life for me now isn't life as I've known it most of my existence. It's surreal, unfair and brutal. I want no further interaction with it and maybe it's the same for the terminally ill. I'm only guessing though. Most people would say that because I have my health and faculties I should keep going on with life on general principle. But life to them isn't how I see life at all. For me it's endless pain without relief. I think this is the model for most euthanasia candidates.

I suspect there's more to a than meets the eye. If a person persists in attempting suicide I imagine there's increasing levels of despair as their situation has gone on for longer without improving so a greater likelihood they will succeed in ignoring SI. This is certainly true of me. Also, each failed attempt inflicts fresh trauma which deepens the state of despair. I can't speak to tolerance with people who have mental health issues - it's possible but unlikely. The SI never becomes more familiar or easier to deal with. It is constant.

Do an experiment to prove this to yourself. Put a plastic bag over your head and tighten the opening around your neck then breathe until the co2 buildup triggers your natural panic response. That's what SI feels like psychologically, if not always physically or literally, and that's what you face dealing with at the horizon of no return. Unless you choose a swift and irreversible method like jumping off a skyscraper or in front of a train, you will give in if you can. Even with those two examples SI will wreak havoc during the build up.

You need to be at rock bottom or completely out of other options.

It is a good question though because euthanasia doesn't seem to fit. Maybe having loved ones around you and someone else administering the process makes the SI easier to deal with. I imagine being trapped physically feels much the same as being trapped by a situation like mine. You feel a sense of enormous injustice which removes any respect you might once have had for life. Life for me now isn't life as I've known it most of my existence. It's surreal, unfair and brutal. I want no further interaction with it and maybe it's the same for the terminally ill. I'm only guessing though. Most people would say that because I have my health and faculties I should keep going on with life on general principle. But life to them isn't how I see life at all. For me it's endless pain without relief. I think this is the model for most euthanasia candidates.

I forgot to answer B.

Thank you for your thoughts. As I understand it, you were psychologically able to go through with it last time, but were stopped due to technical error, is that correct? A couple points of note:

a. Do you feel like you built up a tolerance for it over multiple attempts? In researching suicide it seems like the odds of success tend to increase sharply the more times suicide has been attempted in the past. By your third attempt, did you feel like you were in sufficient control of your survival instincts?
b. Regarding method selection, it seems to me if your heart's not "in it" so to speak, that it would be better to go with technically easier methods. I imagine it must be much harder to keep your wits about you while setting up a complex device than it is with something more straightforward. Did you feel like this was the case? What was your experience with different methods?

Hard for me answer B because my hearts always been in it but I think the answer is there's no better way. No matter the method, you face SI (standing on the top of a skyscraper trying to take that step into oblivion - terror and SI will stop you if your hearts not in it). The only reliable way is to be utterly committed. I suppose you could build up a kind of discipline but it seems unlikely.

 

[dontwakemeup]

So I've had a few attempts and I'll share my experiences. Each attempt except 1 was pretty much the same. I never accepted that I'm clinically depressed or have some sort off chemical imbalance. I can tell you exactly my issues and my problem is accepting them and understanding I can't go back and fix them. I surprised i never was diagnosed with PTSD.

So I consistently have this level of sadness that I carry. I'm adopted so basically it's just me and that causes extreme anxiety and I focus on what ifs.

Usually I get trigger by something. Let's say my only job has fired me and I have no income coming in. It's rational to go find a new job. For me, it's catastrophic and I panic. I immediately say I'm going to kill myself. It wasn't a hard decision because I'm constantly in a state where I don't want to live anyway.

I become elated, happy, overwhelmed with joy that I'm finally leaving this world. In my mind my method (always pills) is going to work. I ensure I have a few days off and alone so nobody can find me in time to save me. I don't write notes because it's a rush to hurry up and do it. I take my medication and lay in bed and wait to die. I never once thought I shouldn't have done that. Never regretted my decision. Keep in mind I'm very happy. I drift off and go to sleep. I expect when I wake up that I'll be in some sort of afterlife. I always wake up sick, disoriented but once the realization kicks in I'm alive i go into the stage we call, "waking up alive!" I'm bitter, angry, pissed and an emotional wreck. Then I have to deal with the physical symptoms of what I've done. Then life goes on and I try to be positive and I go find a new job until the next incident happens.

I will strongly suggest this to you. If there is any doubt then please don't do it! If you do something and immediately regret it, please call for help. It's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. The process seems easy but everyone is different. There's a documentary on YouTube I think called, The Bridge, I definitely suggest you watch you. I don't want to spoil it for you but you will notice a common theme from the people in that documentary.

Hopefully, me sharing my story can somehow help you make a decision that you are comfortable with. Best wishes to you. Hey, it's no rush, nobody makes it out this life alive anyway!

 

[wiggy]

So I've had a few attempts and I'll share my experiences. Each attempt except 1 was pretty much the same. I never accepted that I'm clinically depressed or have some sort off chemical imbalance. I can tell you exactly my issues and my problem is accepting them and understanding I can't go back and fix them. I surprised i never was diagnosed with PTSD.

So I consistently have this level of sadness that I carry. I'm adopted so basically it's just me and that causes extreme anxiety and I focus on what ifs.

Usually I get trigger by something. Let's say my only job has fired me and I have no income coming in. It's rational to go find a new job. For me, it's catastrophic and I panic. I immediately say I'm going to kill myself. It wasn't a hard decision because I'm constantly in a state where I don't want to live anyway.

I become elated, happy, overwhelmed with joy that I'm finally leaving this world. In my mind my method (always pills) is going to work. I ensure I have a few days off and alone so nobody can find me in time to save me. I don't write notes because it's a rush to hurry up and do it. I take my medication and lay in bed and wait to die. I never once thought I shouldn't have done that. Never regretted my decision. Keep in mind I'm very happy. I drift off and go to sleep. I expect when I wake up that I'll be in some sort of afterlife. I always wake up sick, disoriented but once the realization kicks in I'm alive i go into the stage we call, "waking up alive!" I'm bitter, angry, pissed and an emotional wreck. Then I have to deal with the physical symptoms of what I've done. Then life goes on and I try to be positive and I go find a new job until the next incident happens.

I will strongly suggest this to you. If there is any doubt then please don't do it! If you do something and immediately regret it, please call for help. It's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. The process seems easy but everyone is different. There's a documentary on YouTube I think called, The Bridge, I definitely suggest you watch you. I don't want to spoil it for you but you will notice a common theme from the people in that documentary.

Hopefully, me sharing my story can somehow help you make a decision that you are comfortable with. Best wishes to you. Hey, it's no rush, nobody makes it out this life alive anyway!

I appreciate your concern. My predicament is that I have a condition which is both degenerative and terminal. My life expectancy is estimated to be as long as 5 to 10 years, however I would likely not be able to enjoy any quality of life past a year or two from the present. This is what I mean when I say my suicidal aims are not motivated by any kind of mental distress - I have no emotional desire to die in the way a person in a deep depression might, but I am still motivated to do it.