Going through phases of wanting to ctb.

[purgedXO]

I don't know if I'll be able to describe what I mean and make sense. I go through these phases of being either incredibly depressed, empty, sad, and I'll consider going through with it. It'll constantly be on my mind, I'll search for different ways to do it, how I'd do it, where I'd do it, and so on. This could last days, weeks, maybe a few months. During this time, I don't get much of anything done. My house stays a mess, I don't clean my car out, I rarely get groceries, I'll call out of work as often as possible without getting fired, anything that had brought me any bit of happiness doesn't do it for me anymore. I won't take care of myself, absolutely everything feels like a chore. Days feel like they take forever to go by, it'll feel like time has literally stopped. I'll neglect talking family, I won't respond for however long it takes before I feel guilty, and they're worried about me. One simple task could exhaust me to the point where I don't have the energy to do anything for the rest of the day.

Then one day I wake up, and it's like a light switch flipped. I'm "all better". Suddenly, I want to clean up after myself and everything I had neglected before. I'll clean my house from top to bottom, every nook and cranny, every inch of the house will get wiped, dusted, and mopped. Suddenly, I have an interest in cooking again, I'll not only have the energy to go get groceries, I'll have the energy to cook with them. I want to take care of myself, every shower is like an "everything" shower, and I have the energy to do it, and I want to do it. I'll do all of these things before and after work and I still won't be tired enough to go to bed. I'll run off of two hours of sleep, and I feel like I slept the entire night. From the minute my alarm wakes me up, assuming I don't wake up before it goes off, to the minute I actually go to bed and fall asleep, I'm wired. I'm off the walls. During all of this, I'm easily entertained. I'm interested in anything and everything. I'll start a million different hobbies, that I'll never actually finish. I'll start reorganizing my entire house, but I'll never finish that either. I'll spend money I don't have on things I don't need just because I can and because they make me "happy". I won't think about ending my life, I won't think about all of the bad thoughts I had before. If anything, I'll think back to myself, "Why was I ever considering that in the first place? This isn't so bad, I'm okay now!"

Then the light switch flips again, and the energy and the happiness and the ability to just do everything, is all gone. I'm back at where I started. Too exhausted to get out of bed and do something as simple as brush my teeth.

I don't get it, I don't know what it is, and that's the best way to describe what I mean. It's exhausting. Even when I'm so hyper and I'm happy and glad I'm alive, I know what's coming. Acknowledging that my mood will drop one day, suddenly, and it'll all be gone for a while. I hate it. Does anyone else experience this?

 

[drennedrat]

As somebody with bipolar disorder, this sounds like it. You cycle through phases of depression and mania. I'd consider seeing a psychiatrist and letting them know about your symptoms.

 

[twatingthroughlife]

I agree with the other comment. This sounds exactly like bipolar. I have it and I used to be like that. Medication has helped me a bit so maybe you should talk about that to a professional.

 

[purgedXO]

As somebody with bipolar disorder, this sounds like it. You cycle through phases of depression and mania. I'd consider seeing a psychiatrist and letting them know about your symptoms.

Ah, okay. Thank you for letting me know, I'll see if I can talk to someone about this. I was scared to do so without at least having an idea of what it could be, idk why, so thank you.