Venting going outside is bumming me out

[monetpompo]

i've been dreading leaving my house more and more not because i hate going out, but because i hate being around people. if i could go places completely devoid of people and be alone i would be happier than having to go to places bustling with people just because i want to run an errand or because i'm attending an event somewhere. because i've spent so much time inside it's hard to block out the noise of being around so many people and fixating on how i'm alone, don't pass as a trans person, and how i look younger than i actually am because i'm short. i just feel like a loser.

i hate leaving my house, even if i like getting away from my family, because i still eventually have to get back to my family anyways. it's gotten colder out and that makes it harder for me to walk around when i don't have a car. i can't loiter outside because i'll get too cold and if i loiter inside i need to buy food to be allowed to sit down. it's depressing to know it's just anti-homelessness measures. christmas is kind of fucked up when you're sitting outside in the cold while you wait for your dad to pick you up.

i'm not really close enough with my friends to call most of them friends. i can't invite them to anything and in most cases i wouldn't invite them to anything, since i'd be worried about it being seen as too datey to hang out one on one. it's harder to arrange things with people when i don't have a license either. it feels like every time i go outside i'm just reminded of how i'm alone because there's couples and friends everywhere while no one wants to hang out with me. i compare myself to everybody around me. i get jealous i have no one i can have fun with and talk to. i don't want to go on dates or hang out with guys just to not be alone because i hate having sex or being in a relationship for company. i don't know how to get close to people because the only people that would want to be close with me have to be sexually attracted to me instead of platonically interested in me, because i'm not good enough for people to want to hang out with.

every day i sulk about the same things. it's better to stay in my house because i think that i look too miserable if i leave it.

 

[U. A.]

 

[monetpompo]

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[NutOrat]

it's hard to block out the noise of being around so many people and fixating on how i'm alone, don't pass as a trans person, and how i look younger than i actually am because i'm short.

Monet, I'm so sorry :( I hate that we still think in these stupid, arbitrary thresholds of passing and not passing. You are you, you are who you say you are, and it doesn't matter if you pass or not by someone's standards. It might sound hypocritical, coming from me, because A. I'm a cis man, and B. I'm also struggling with body dysmorphia a lot, but damn it all, you are not wrong, you are enough, you are a man because you choose to be one. I wish more people in your life accepted you and didn't undermine your choice, but most importantly is you mustn't undermine it. Be proud of who you are, even if it feels impossible sometimes, or even at all.

Don't feel bad about venting either, or about going nowhere. I've gone nowhere for years, even regressed in many ways, but it's looking a bit brighter now because I held on, I guess. I'm not saying you should endure the suffering, I'm saying that there is a chance to see good progress, even if you think you're stagnating. Much love <3

Edit: If I said something insensitive or came off as ignorant or creepy, I'm sorry, I didn't intend it. If anything, you can tell me if you don't want me to comment on your posts, it's totally fine and I won't take any offence or anything. I genuinely might not know what the fuck I'm talking about, so it may be best for me to not write anything. Don't worry about it, ok? Just, I want you to feel safe here, and if my posts make you uncomfortable, tell me, I promise it's all cool.