Venting Going insane from waiting for someone who denied me in the end

[NeoN0va]

For the past 2 months i've been waiting for my best friend to come back, as she needed to take a "break" from me, as well as from socializing. Prior to the whole situation, she wanted me to promise her that i'd make it to her birthday alive and visit her, as she knew about my already messed up and still degrading mental health.

I told her that i'll wait, and that it won't be that hard to do stuff all by myself and handle life myself. i was wrong. it was horrible, week after week it was getting worse, i would keep on wanting to call her whenever i felt bad as that's what i'd previously do, but I couldn't. I had to go through my life alone, being able to vent to only one friend, which I can't even meet in person yet. During 2nd and 3rd week of waiting, my sleep was devastated. I would wake up around 6 times on average, checking my phone if I got a text from her that she's back. No texts at all.

August was worse, I started SH again after being clean for around a month? I can't remember. I started planning my ctb again, not to mention i kept delaying it over and over again all the time, bc life felt alright sometimes, and it still feels alright every now and then, but the happy feelings dont beat the sad ones. 3 days ago, her birthday happened. I came over, with gifts ive been carefully choosing. It was hard for me to speak or even do anything rationally due to anxiety and stress. She wasn't happy to see me at all. She started crying after seeing me, and told me that she just cant be friends anymore. I gave her the gift, she gave me back my manga collection i gave her to be hers, but she told me she cant keep it because of me.

I was shattered that day, waiting 2 long months, slowly going insane, just for everything to fall apart. I moved on, because I realized that no matter how good it gets, it always will get worse no matter what. I'm planning to ctb somewhere soon. with my only friend rn that im talking with, the same one that helped me during the long wait. Hopefully we'll both finally get to rest ^w^

 

[getoutgirl]

I'm so sorry that happened, that's brutal she said that right then and there after you staying alive for her, waiting and even going there with gifts dang... That would break me for sure. I can imagine how devastating that is, but you going through it... sucks. Staying alive for one person who's not even there to support you while it, and then does that to you in the end. I don't know what she's going through either but that's very hurtful I'm sorry

Glad you at least had another person to count on. Can't say too glad that you two would be dying soon, but I get it. I also go through very frequent and flickering periods of absolute despair and then okayish moments, good even. Been like that forever and can't say whether the happy feelings outweigh all the others, I'd like to think maybe in time they do. But I know for sure how tiring it gets living like that. I get you want the rest.
I don't know either if really no matter how good it gets, it always will get worse no matter what. Can't say that's a motto I can rationally believe as a law of things. Even if I've had my fair share of evidence. And you too. But I completely believe you'd believe that or I'd do, and feel that way, after going through these past 2 months you've gone through and culminating with something as shatering as that. Sounds like a deepest low.
I wish it had gone better so you wouldn't be feeling as bad as rn. But no matter and regardless what you do, I wish you can at least have some better days your way, or feel a bit better in any way. Can't ask for much more. Big hugs to you <3

 

[xBrialesana]

"Waiting drives you craaazy"
"One day I am gonna grow wings"

 

[EternalShore]

That sounds so awful! D: I'm so sorry to hear that that happened to you~ >_< I'm so sorry that she just abandoned you like that~ :( I hate when people just leave you like that! :( It's like, why can't you tell me what I did wrong, so I can improve in the future~ :( instead, they just disappear or let you down completely like this~ :( I had times where I would make a text and go to sleep to not get saddened over the lack of response that awaited me~ :( The waiting really, really does suck tons, and I totally empathize with you regarding that~ >_<
And truly, when someone finally gets used to the awfulness or even when they're still not, life always does just find a way to get worse~ :(
I do hope things get better for you tho~ :) and for your other friend too~ :)

 

[NeoN0va]

"Waiting drives you craaazy"
"One day I am gonna grow wings"

ive had the song in my mind all the time, especially knowing that for some fucking reason im able to go crazy for her, that i was willing to go insane just because i cared so much about staying friends. guess life decided it to be the other way, and i cant change it now.

and ofc, one day all of us will grow wings, i believe that we will be cute little angels hehe ^w^

 

[mysideofthemountain]

I'm so sorry. I think people don't understand what a difference secure belonging can make in someone who is struggling with SI.

At the end of your post you said that you hope you both get to rest. I think that says a lot about you and your character. You are in pain and your former friend betrayed you, but you still want peace for them.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

Mental health is not "degrading" how can anything that is pertaining to health be degrading I have had a lot of people around me in the past that had mental health and some serious ones as well.

What's degrading are those who will be called degrading names and being combated to sub humans and still be around them. Pity pity all round.

Cancer can never be degraded and that's a health issue since some people die it including mental health as well.

Good day

Ps- one thing as well jsut for advice don't call anyone your best friend and all those names because i have had people call me that in the past. Stop having expectations from people because if you do it will only lead to disappointments. I hope you will heed my advice and one more thing if you want to ctb it's a personal choice and you alone can choose that.

You are born alone and you will die alone.

Life is live once and it's very short, I'm 36 and these past 36 years just flew by.

 

[NeoN0va]

I'm so sorry. I think people don't understand what a difference secure belonging can make in someone who is struggling with SI.

At the end of your post you said that you hope you both get to rest. I think that says a lot about you and your character. You are in pain and your former friend betrayed you, but you still want peace for them.

Well, im not really that much into revenge. I sometimes get these episodes where i REALLY want to kill someone that had caused me to suffer a lot or just see them get hurt, but its only episodes.

But as my normal self i just wish everyone to find peace, i believe that there is a lot of suffering in this world and that we should help each other get through life, we shouldnt kill or seek revenge, we should just idk try to live peacefully? Stop seeking our crazy human desires and instead just be normal.