Just woke up in the middle of the day because of my sleeping problems. A common occurance and not one I like. Anyway, I woke up to a message from my first girlfriend. We're on cordial terms and she wished me happy new year a little after midnight. I wished her happy new year back and she asked me about if I have anything big coming up in 2024. I answered about something I've talked about doing with someone (briefly, really) and then she talked about how she's looking forward to moving and her sister is about to have her second child.
Obviously all of this is well-intentioned and I actually do very much appreciate that she sent me a happy new year. I was happy to get it because I still care about her and I'm glad she hadn't forgotten me. But that last thing about her sister in particular reminded me of something. Which is how fucking pathetic my life is.
All these people I knew in high school have move forward in their lives. Gotten diplomas, gotten jobs (often even ones they actually wanted), found someone to spend the rest of their life with, married, moved, they're having children.
And here I am... I'm thirty. Had to drop out of college due to mental problems, unemployed due to mental problems, my girlfriend broke up with me two months ago out of practically nowhere, I was swiping Tinder on new year's ever, I'm still living on my parents' property and I don't even have a girlfriend anymore, let alone kids.
I didn't picture my life this way 12 years ago when me and here were together. I'd just graduated from high school, was heading to college, had a girlfriend I loved. I was thinking about the future. I thought I'd get at least a master's and was considering a Phd. I was writing my first novel and was planning on trying to get it published before leaving college. I loved my girlfriend and I was looking forward to a long future with her. We were just teenagers then but we'd been together long enough and I loved her enough to feel that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, eventually move in together, marry and have kids.
That was the way I saw the future back then.
Today I am a husk of that former me. Destroyed by years of emotional abuse, social anxiety and failure anxiety. All alone with no one who really cares about me. A life that has been stagnant at best, and really getting worse every year. Only have video games and Youtube to keep me distracted some of the time from my otherwise empty life.
Last night I was reading about a person who'd had a near-death experience. As in, he'd been in an accident and he'd temporarily died. His heart had stopped beating and all of that. Blacked out. And I remember feeling severe dread at the prospect. Non-existence is still scary to me. In that moment I thought I shouldn't kill myself. I was afraid to. And yet every time I take stock of my life, I don't see any other realistic options anymore.
I didn't want it to be this way. I had so many hopes and dreams back when I was with her 12 years ago. I looked forward to life. Forward to doing things, changing things, moving forward. But after 12 years of trying I have nothing. I've accomplished nothing. Am loved by no one.
My life is ruined beyond any repair and it's... just hard to face.
I think that's another thing that makes it hard for me to kill myself. I still have this view in my mind of what my life could've been like. And there's both despair and hope in that, I guess. I still want that view of my life to be true. But I also know it can't be.
Time is a tyrant who rules with an iron fist. And I can't go back. And I'm too empty and tired and broken down to move forward at all. So I guess all I can do is die where I stand.
Obviously all of this is well-intentioned and I actually do very much appreciate that she sent me a happy new year. I was happy to get it because I still care about her and I'm glad she hadn't forgotten me. But that last thing about her sister in particular reminded me of something. Which is how fucking pathetic my life is.
All these people I knew in high school have move forward in their lives. Gotten diplomas, gotten jobs (often even ones they actually wanted), found someone to spend the rest of their life with, married, moved, they're having children.
And here I am... I'm thirty. Had to drop out of college due to mental problems, unemployed due to mental problems, my girlfriend broke up with me two months ago out of practically nowhere, I was swiping Tinder on new year's ever, I'm still living on my parents' property and I don't even have a girlfriend anymore, let alone kids.
I didn't picture my life this way 12 years ago when me and here were together. I'd just graduated from high school, was heading to college, had a girlfriend I loved. I was thinking about the future. I thought I'd get at least a master's and was considering a Phd. I was writing my first novel and was planning on trying to get it published before leaving college. I loved my girlfriend and I was looking forward to a long future with her. We were just teenagers then but we'd been together long enough and I loved her enough to feel that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, eventually move in together, marry and have kids.
That was the way I saw the future back then.
Today I am a husk of that former me. Destroyed by years of emotional abuse, social anxiety and failure anxiety. All alone with no one who really cares about me. A life that has been stagnant at best, and really getting worse every year. Only have video games and Youtube to keep me distracted some of the time from my otherwise empty life.
Last night I was reading about a person who'd had a near-death experience. As in, he'd been in an accident and he'd temporarily died. His heart had stopped beating and all of that. Blacked out. And I remember feeling severe dread at the prospect. Non-existence is still scary to me. In that moment I thought I shouldn't kill myself. I was afraid to. And yet every time I take stock of my life, I don't see any other realistic options anymore.
I didn't want it to be this way. I had so many hopes and dreams back when I was with her 12 years ago. I looked forward to life. Forward to doing things, changing things, moving forward. But after 12 years of trying I have nothing. I've accomplished nothing. Am loved by no one.
My life is ruined beyond any repair and it's... just hard to face.
I think that's another thing that makes it hard for me to kill myself. I still have this view in my mind of what my life could've been like. And there's both despair and hope in that, I guess. I still want that view of my life to be true. But I also know it can't be.
Time is a tyrant who rules with an iron fist. And I can't go back. And I'm too empty and tired and broken down to move forward at all. So I guess all I can do is die where I stand.
