God damn it. Couldn't go through with it.

[HeckingHecked]

That's the post.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

don't beat up yourself! we'll have forever to be dead once our time comes.

 

[HeckingHecked]

don't beat up yourself! we'll have forever to be dead once our time comes.

I ended up calling my group therapy place.

 

[FuneralCry]

Ctb is very difficult. We are programmed to survive after all. I'm sure many of us have been in this position. If it was easier to exit, I would already be gone. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[HeckingHecked]

Ctb is very difficult. We are programmed to survive after all. I'm sure many of us have been in this position. If it was easier to exit, I would already be gone. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

I feel so lost. I don't even want friends anymore. I'm a shell of a person due to my brain damage from prescribed Lithium.

 

[Idontrecognizemyself]

You have literally had the worst week, I'm so sorry. I've watched all your posts hoping for a good outcome for you and it breaks my heart to see you suffering. What kind of support would be helpful for you right now? We're here with you.

 

[HeckingHecked]

You have literally had the worst week, I'm so sorry. I've watched all your posts hoping for a good outcome for you and it breaks my heart to see you suffering. What kind of support would be helpful for you right now? We're here with you.

Thank you. Yeah, I wish I could say it wasn't always like this. Right now, idk what support I need. I feel like I'm a shell of a person since I took Lithium in 2019 at a hospital. I wish I could have irl friends that care about me, but my friends really don't. I'm always a backup.

 

[Idontrecognizemyself]

I wish I could have irl friends that care about me, but my friends really don't. I'm always a backup

That is the most isolating feeling. I'm so sorry. I take it the therapy friend is still sending mixed signals/ didn't go well?

 

[HeckingHecked]

That is the most isolating feeling. I'm so sorry. I take it the therapy friend is still sending mixed signals/ didn't go well?

Yeah. She's fake, unfortunately.

 

[lotus11]

ah I feel this post, the only thing stopping me at this point is survival instinct and I just cant get past it, its infuriating

 

[SamuelClemens400]

Yeah Im worried about this too, i tried hanging myself once and very nearly succeeded (went unconcious but had a siezure which yanked the knot loose, though I would have been found anyway since my mother came rushing in like a minute later) but idk, that was a while ago and things have changed. I wish there was a realistic way to CTB while also absolving us of the responsibility of killing ourselves. Like a state sanctioned euthanasia.

 

[drune11]

Yeah Im worried about this too, i tried hanging myself once and very nearly succeeded (went unconcious but had a siezure which yanked the knot loose, though I would have been found anyway since my mother came rushing in like a minute later) but idk, that was a while ago and things have changed. I wish there was a realistic way to CTB while also absolving us of the responsibility of killing ourselves. Like a state sanctioned euthanasia.

The problem though is that even if that existed, and you were free to go in at any moment there and be taken out, survival instinct would keep you from walking in. Most people that are "really" ready to go, could go whenever they please by putting their neck on the nearest train tracks, even if that isn't their ideal method. I think that since they don't, they're not quite ready yet.

I wrestle with this internally all the time - I feel like I want to go, but since I haven't am I still clinging to hope? Am I scared? Lazy? What is it? I'm miserably day in and day out, don't have realistically see things getting better, and yet after seven years of having suicidal thoughts, I'm still alive.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

The problem though is that even if that existed, and you were free to go in at any moment there and be taken out, survival instinct would keep you from walking in. Most people that are "really" ready to go, could go whenever they please by putting their neck on the nearest train tracks, even if that isn't their ideal method. I think that since they don't, they're not quite ready yet.

I wrestle with this internally all the time - I feel like I want to go, but since I haven't am I still clinging to hope? Am I scared? Lazy? What is it? I'm miserably day in and day out, don't have realistically see things getting better, and yet after seven years of having suicidal thoughts, I'm still alive.

7 years? That must be so frustrating. I'm hoping I can get this taken care of within the next six months. I can't imagine going through this moment by moment day after day week after week much longer

 

[miserableforever]

I ended up calling my group therapy place.

Did that help at all?
I called the suicide line twice to keep me company through a breakdown episode

 

[drune11]

7 years? That must be so frustrating. I'm hoping I can get this taken care of within the next six months. I can't imagine going through this moment by moment day after day week after week much longer

To be fair, initially for the first 1-3 years the thoughts were mostly "well there's no way things will get better, so what can I do?" and I would begin of thinking of ways to go about doing it, as the years progressed there was an increased resignation about the fact that the day is coming at some point, and I began to think about ways to do it that would preserve my body, which somewhere along the road led me to this site. But still, 7 years of thoughts that most people will never suffer from a day of, hell even an hour.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

To be fair, initially for the first 1-3 years the thoughts were mostly "well there's no way things will get better, so what can I do?" and I would begin of thinking of ways to go about doing it, as the years progressed there was an increased resignation about the fact that the day is coming at some point, and I began to think about ways to do it that would preserve my body, which somewhere along the road led me to this site. But still, 7 years of thoughts that most people will never suffer from a day of, hell even an hour.

So it sounds like this is becoming less and less likely?

 

[HeckingHecked]

Did that help at all?
I called the suicide line twice to keep me company through a breakdown episode

Not really. They didn't call me back until 5 AM lol

 

[drune11]

So it sounds like this is becoming less and less likely?

What is less likely? That I'll CTB? No I am fairly certain that I will - I think it's a combination of fear (I know my family will be devastated) and laziness (ordering N). All I have found to be less likely is that things will ever improve - every time they seem to, when my life looks like it may be headed in another direction, it all collapses and I'm left further down than before.

If I had known in 2014 that not only things could get worse, but they will become exponentially so, I am fairly confident I would've just done it in some haphazard way back then

Did that help at all?
I called the suicide line twice to keep me company through a breakdown episode

Do they automatically have to report you to the police?

 

[miserableforever]

What is less likely? That I'll CTB? No I am fairly certain that I will - I think it's a combination of fear (I know my family will be devastated) and laziness (ordering N). All I have found to be less likely is that things will ever improve - every time they seem to, when my life looks like it may be headed in another direction, it all collapses and I'm left further down than before.

If I had known in 2014 that not only things could get worse, but they will become exponentially so, I am fairly confident I would've just done it in some haphazard way back then

Do they automatically have to report you to the police?

No. The nice lady on the other end stayed with me for 2 hours until I quit sobbing and decided I was stable enough to hang up.
She gave me numbers I could call in my area for voluntary intake or therapy.

 

[SamuelClemens400]

The problem though is that even if that existed, and you were free to go in at any moment there and be taken out, survival instinct would keep you from walking in. Most people that are "really" ready to go, could go whenever they please by putting their neck on the nearest train tracks, even if that isn't their ideal method. I think that since they don't, they're not quite ready yet.

I wrestle with this internally all the time - I feel like I want to go, but since I haven't am I still clinging to hope? Am I scared? Lazy? What is it? I'm miserably day in and day out, don't have realistically see things getting better, and yet after seven years of having suicidal thoughts, I'm still alive.

Yeah I get that. I could go if I had an easy method and maybe Im lucky that way because the only thing stopping me rn is money. I dont want it to be painful so I am saving up for the least painful method I can find CO poisoning. I could CTB today via hanging if I wanted to but it hurts and I dont want to go that way, ya know? the ability to ease into it seems pretty useful in actually going through with it. Thats part of why OD is such a popular method albeit not very reliable but it is easy to just pop some pills and go to sleep expecting to not wake up. Sort of the same thing with CO but like wayy more lethal than things most people would OD on say for N SA or SN but those are pretty hard to come by now

 

[Capsicum_Corral]

Yeah I get that. I could go if I had an easy method and maybe Im lucky that way because the only thing stopping me rn is money. I dont want it to be painful so I am saving up for the least painful method I can find CO poisoning.

As someone above mentioned, neck on a train track is pretty lethal, and it's free of charge. Pain is likely to be minimal too, as the head loses consciousness within a few tens of seconds, at most. The downside is it kind of messes you up, and God forbid you try to abort at the last minute. Those videos of people who didn't die are pretty appalling.

 

[Wrennie]

Not really. They didn't call me back until 5 AM lol

I called twice back in 2018 and literally no one answered.

 

[youraffection]

Couldn't go through with it too.

There's always hope in the back of my head that I might get past this, and I guess that's enough for me to get cold feet every time.

Of course, I don't really want to try and get past my problems. I'd rather not deal with them at all, but there's no suicide method I have access to that's impulsive enough for me to not be able to back out.

 

[thefoodispoison]

As someone above mentioned, neck on a train track is pretty lethal, and it's free of charge. Pain is likely to be minimal too, as the head loses consciousness within a few tens of seconds, at most. The downside is it kind of messes you up, and God forbid you try to abort at the last minute. Those videos of people who didn't die are pretty appalling.

It also traumatizes the driver and anyone else who might see it

 

[hlynn95]

CTBing is quite an irreversible remedy to a temporary problem. I don't mean to lecture, but consider your options again before doing all this. I, personally, haven't been frequenting this site often cuz it's kinda depressing seeing everyone being so gloomy. I want to CTB someday but I'm nervous myself. Have we finished our life goals or duties before being ready to make such a permanent decision? Just think it through, pls. The people around us will suffer the most </3

 

[HeckingHecked]

CTBing is quite an irreversible remedy to a temporary problem. I don't mean to lecture, but consider your options again before doing all this. I, personally, haven't been frequenting this site often cuz it's kinda depressing seeing everyone being so gloomy. I want to CTB someday but I'm nervous myself. Have we finished our life goals or duties before being ready to make such a permanent decision? Just think it through, pls. The people around us will suffer the most <3

I've thought it through

 

[Capsicum_Corral]

It also traumatizes the driver and anyone else who might see it

It's true it would leave an unsightly mess, but there are few situations where the body wouldn't need to be disposed of by someone. But yes, the considerate self-terminator would use a blanket or rug to cover, or simply wait until the locomotive is past. All train cars are heavy enough to do the job.

I agree with @hlynn95, re the permanent solution to a temporary problem being the case more often than not. Have also seen hundreds of successful and failed terminations over the years, so you have to be realistic.

 

[Laowaiboss]

The hardest part about CTB is mental, we are psychologically programmed to stay alive, our survival instinct immediately kicks in when we try to CTB.

Not only our mind but also our body is driven by our survival instinct. Our body will try to hold onto anything if we try to jump under a train, it will try to vomit any poison (SN, N, etc...) we swallow.

It does takes a very strong willpower to overcome our instinct.