KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,682
When I was a kid and would sit down to watch TV it always filled me with an impending sense of dread.
I grew up in a very impoverished area in an otherwise rich country and seeing all these depictions of what things were "supposed" to be like for children my age only crushed me further. Being in kindergarten and watching all the other kids making mothers day cards, when there was no one to receive mine, was one such moment where I realised my life was not going to be happy and joyful like everyone else's.
Autism gifted me with speech problems and motor skill difficulties. If I had lived among civilised people instead of a bunch of ignorant and cultish hicks my development probably wouldn't have stagnated, but there was no help for autistic children.
I was one of maybe 3 people in my entire class who could not play a sport and that was the only measure of your worth where I lived. My school couldn't afford to have textbooks and so I struggled to revise for exams when I got to high school. No one cared that many of my classmates were functionally illiterate. Everywhere I looked I saw depictions of what life was supposed to be like, but that seemed so far away from the reality I lived in.
Is it sad that I still think of that as the happiest time of my life, albeit an objectively horrible one? I wouldn't endure it again, but I'd choose it any day over what life had in store later on. It baffled me that people still tout the idea that things get better and uphold it as a panacea to all life's ailments. Like some fairy godmother is going to come along and magic the bad things away.
The only thing that gets me through it is knowing that someday this agony will end. No more ptsd flashbacks, no more fear, no more unsatisfaction, no more tragedy. What a relief that will be.
I grew up in a very impoverished area in an otherwise rich country and seeing all these depictions of what things were "supposed" to be like for children my age only crushed me further. Being in kindergarten and watching all the other kids making mothers day cards, when there was no one to receive mine, was one such moment where I realised my life was not going to be happy and joyful like everyone else's.
Autism gifted me with speech problems and motor skill difficulties. If I had lived among civilised people instead of a bunch of ignorant and cultish hicks my development probably wouldn't have stagnated, but there was no help for autistic children.
I was one of maybe 3 people in my entire class who could not play a sport and that was the only measure of your worth where I lived. My school couldn't afford to have textbooks and so I struggled to revise for exams when I got to high school. No one cared that many of my classmates were functionally illiterate. Everywhere I looked I saw depictions of what life was supposed to be like, but that seemed so far away from the reality I lived in.
Is it sad that I still think of that as the happiest time of my life, albeit an objectively horrible one? I wouldn't endure it again, but I'd choose it any day over what life had in store later on. It baffled me that people still tout the idea that things get better and uphold it as a panacea to all life's ailments. Like some fairy godmother is going to come along and magic the bad things away.
The only thing that gets me through it is knowing that someday this agony will end. No more ptsd flashbacks, no more fear, no more unsatisfaction, no more tragedy. What a relief that will be.
