Pain is my main motivating factor why I want to ctb. I have spoken it at length to people around me, maybe it was my attempt to desensitise them towards the idea of my impending death.
Responsibility towards my grandma and my rather covetous attitude towards wanting parental love from my ex's family, on top of work's responsibilities are some of the reasons why I'm delaying my ctb to 2 months later. I live with a host of other physical health issues other than chronic mental health issues, and the thought of dealing with osteoarthritis alongside battling a lifelong urge to die due to BPD doesn't make for a satisfying quality of life.
I know that no matter how hard I try, suicidal urges would always be at the back of my mind. In fact, I kept asking myself why try so hard to live when dying feels like the most liberating choice. I've so much anger and desire that it felt so wrong to live and have them. Yet, I felt I've put up a valiant fight and deserve the eternal rest that has eluded me thus far. I perpetually feel as if I did not deserve any time from others and that sense of failure has been gnawing at me.
I'm tempted to ask for help from that psychiatrist who I used to write to years ago. But I'm fearful she will intervene. I'm at a loss.
I wish my dreams were possible but I feel that my fatigue has made my desire for eternal rest that much stronger. 2 more months, and hopefully I'll go peacefully when the time comes.
Responsibility towards my grandma and my rather covetous attitude towards wanting parental love from my ex's family, on top of work's responsibilities are some of the reasons why I'm delaying my ctb to 2 months later. I live with a host of other physical health issues other than chronic mental health issues, and the thought of dealing with osteoarthritis alongside battling a lifelong urge to die due to BPD doesn't make for a satisfying quality of life.
I know that no matter how hard I try, suicidal urges would always be at the back of my mind. In fact, I kept asking myself why try so hard to live when dying feels like the most liberating choice. I've so much anger and desire that it felt so wrong to live and have them. Yet, I felt I've put up a valiant fight and deserve the eternal rest that has eluded me thus far. I perpetually feel as if I did not deserve any time from others and that sense of failure has been gnawing at me.
I'm tempted to ask for help from that psychiatrist who I used to write to years ago. But I'm fearful she will intervene. I'm at a loss.
I wish my dreams were possible but I feel that my fatigue has made my desire for eternal rest that much stronger. 2 more months, and hopefully I'll go peacefully when the time comes.
