Getting the courage

[OnMyLast Legs]

A lot of frustrated suicidal posters have made this thread. I might have even made it myself. Without asking for "encouragement" per se, I want to talk to people with serious attempts behind them.

To those of you who attempted and failed, how did you do it? Were you calm? Were you unusually excited? How did you decide to take the final step?

P.S. are any firearm survivors here? (I know they're rare, and probably wouldn't be here after long recoveries)

 

[Kayla]

SN attempt. I just did it, but immediately after I drank it, I regretted it massively, and there was nothing I could do to undo it.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

SN attempt. I just did it, but immediately after I drank it, I regretted it massively, and there was nothing I could do to undo it.

Did you throw it up? Go to a hospital and get methylene blue?

 

[Kayla]

Did you throw it up? Go to a hospital and get methylene blue?

I threw up, but I still ended up having a cardiac arrest when I arrived at the hospital.

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

I survived what should have been unsurvivable according to medical professionals. I overdosed, died twice, and was in a low prognosis coma that I was not expected to wake up from. It was so bad my family from out of state flew in and were expecting to say goodbye and let go of my body.

It wasn't your traditional OD, in the sense that I took an obscene amount of like 6 different prescription medications I had been hoarding and stole for over a year. I started with the benzos, then walked as far as I could muster out into the desert and took the rest of the meds.

I was anxious at first, until I got away from the house and made my way into undeveloped desert. Then I was oddly calm, and strongly determined to end my life as I took the rest of the pills. It was honestly peaceful, I felt no pain or fear as I slowly slumped down into the sand and ultimately lost consciousness.

I decided to take the final step on sheer impulse. I had been hoarding the pills for some time, however a day prior I made a very poor choice that fucked up my friends life. Because of this choice I felt I deserved death, and that I had to do so immediately because I was so ashamed of myself.

This was four years ago, and looked a lot different from my attempt this January. I got blackout drunk, drove to a Mesa, and intended to jump off of it. Only to be too hesitant to jump, completely overtaken by survival instincts and fear of ending up paralyzed. I made a post here that I don't recall, which ultimately led to local authorities being called and I was found in the early morning. Just slightly hypothermic despite sleeping in the snow without proper clothing. I was very ashamed and still carry the weight of being upset that I wasn't able to jump.

Since then I've tried PSH multiple times and have backed out. I've come to the conclusion that a more passive method, one that's tried and true, like SN is what's best suited for me. Unless something very bad were to happen, like my dog dying, I just don't have the grit to jump or hang myself as of now.

It's hard to not feel invalidated by this, but I do try to be kind to myself and remember that suicide is far from simple. We are quite literally hardwired, and deeply socially conditioned to not end our own lives.

 

[Forveleth]

I did it because I was genuinely ready to due. I did not play mind games with myself or try to convince myself to do it. I woke up that morning and knew that was the day. I also did not plan my dates but rather made an attempt when it felt right.

I was very calm for both of my attempts. There was no fanfare with my setting up beyond making myself laugh listening to videos.

As far as getting to that point, I do not have any advice. I have been comfortable with death, including mine, most if my life. I am to the point where I am miserable enough to want to forfeit the rest of my life. As it is what I actively want, it is not something I fear.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@Forveleth what was your method?

@NotSoEnchanted I feel similarly, paralyzed by depression but unable to perform a drastic act like hanging. I've confessed and given my dad my rope twice now. I have no means on hand.

Today is shot. Scrolling all day, can't muster courage to go coach (there are several others). I think tomorrow I'll get up and try to act normal. This couchrotting is disgusting. Maybe I have a little self respect left after all.

(It's also possible that I'll be worse tomorrow and end up in a disaster.)

 

[Forveleth]

@Forveleth what was your method?

First time was a half-baked method with chloroform, the second time was partial.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

partial

Obviously it didn't work fully, but how did it go? Did you get unconscious?

I was recently hospitalized for confessing the lamest partial attempts in the world.

 

[Forveleth]

Obviously it didn't work fully, but how did it go? Did you get unconscious?

I was recently hospitalized for confessing the lamest partial attempts in the world.

It went fine. I had a nice sturdy rope and spent time padding it to make sure I experienced zero pain. I knelt and leaned forward to create tension. I had to keep straightening up and readjusting the rope until I hit the sweet spot, but after that it was probably 20 seconds until I passed out.

I have no idea how long I was unconscious, but at some point, my body straightened me back up, which took tention off the rope, and I woke up. I tried to lean forward again, but at that point I was too flustered over being alive and decided to give up trying for the day. I have yet to have another day where I feel fully ready to make another attempt so here I am.

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

I feel similarly, paralyzed by depression but unable to perform a drastic act like hanging. I've confessed and given my dad my rope twice now. I have no means on hand.

Today is shot. Scrolling all day, can't muster courage to go coach (there are several others). I think tomorrow I'll get up and try to act normal. This couchrotting is disgusting. Maybe I have a little self respect left after all.

(It's also possible that I'll be worse tomorrow and end up in a disaster.

I'm so paralyzed by depression and anxiety, I can't even take the steps needed to obtain SN. It's so simple, all I need to do is drive 14 minutes to the post office and set up a P.O. Box, then order from DSL. I hate myself for being unable to manage a seemingly simple social interaction like talking to the post lady. I'm weak and socially fucked.

I've also spent most of my day couch rotting. I did some chores and tidying, but all in all I've just let myself rot. Hopefully tomorrow is better for the both of us.