Getting over the fear

[cwsyf]

I made my mind up a couple of months ago that I want to ctb but I'm a little unsure of how to to get over the fear. Not the fear of it happening but the fear of it being a horrible way to go or worse, being found and ending up permanently damaged. I thought I found the best method for me when I found out about SN but it feels like some sort of cruel joke that IC goes down right when I'm trying to find it. Exit bag looks appealing too but I genuinely think I'm too stupid to do it correctly. Was looking at the night night method as well but after watching someone do it, the same fear of it being a terrible way to go is hitting me. Really just not sure what to do anymore, partial suspension was my initial go to but idk, just want this suffering to finally end

 

[Sluggish_Slump]

Research, plan, prepare, practice etc. It's honestly shitty that we have to resort to methods that can fail and leave us alive with permanent damage

 

[TheDizzenter]

It's because your method would go odd with any use of medication. But fella, there's ways to pull out the
triggers of fear and all that your body gives us.
This is how strong the words of the others are.
They give you a fear that no one knows really...

 

[FuneralCry]

I really hate how we exist in a world where we cannot just choose to pass away in peace without struggle, it certainly is a punishment existing in this anti suicide society that leaves people with no choice but to resort to risky methods. Failing ctb sounds so horrific to me and I believe that if I had a method as peaceful as Nembutal I would be long gone at this point. Sadly there are just no easy answers to this, but I'm also tired of enduring this futile process that I was so unfairly forced to endure.

 

[leavingsoon99]

It's tough to get over the fear, but not impossible. Remember, death is a PART of life. Not a disruption or something alien to it. It's hard coded into the life program. It's inevitable. It's coming, much like winter.

 

[cwsyf]

I really hate how we exist in a world where we cannot just choose to pass away in peace without struggle, it certainly is a punishment existing in this anti suicide society that leaves people with no choice but to resort to risky methods. Failing ctb sounds so horrific to me and I believe that if I had a method as peaceful as Nembutal I would be long gone at this point. Sadly there are just no easy answers to this, but I'm also tired of enduring this futile process that I was so unfairly forced to endure.

I totally agree. If I could get my hands on N or SN I would've done it already, at this point it looks like I'm going to resort to fent if I can locate any locally or have a friend ship it to me.

It's tough to get over the fear, but not impossible. Remember, death is a PART of life. Not a disruption or something alien to it. It's hard coded into the life program. It's inevitable. It's coming, much like winter.

It's not at all the fear of death that bothers me, just the possibility of ending up worse off if I don't succeed. Through multiple overdoses and a few failed attempts I consider myself lucky to still be in a condition to choose to ctb but I feel as though after all of that, my luck has just about ran out and if I don't get it right this time, I won't have another chance.

 

[AshClouds]

i probably wouldn't have the courage to go through it myself. That would be the biggest obstacle to over come if I do decide to go

 

[cwsyf]

i probably wouldn't have the courage to go through it myself. That would be the biggest obstacle to over come if I do decide to go

That's totally understandable. I got over that fear quite a few years ago but after being on life support after an intentional overdose and recovering with minimal repercussions, I'm very scared of having that happening again but ending up being permanently disabled.

 

[Sparx]

That's totally understandable. I got over that fear quite a few years ago but after being on life support after an intentional overdose and recovering with minimal repercussions, I'm very scared of having that happening again but ending up being permanently disabled.

Sounds awful, what did you take to OD and how much?

 

[thatlatealready]

The truth is that you don't really get over the fear. You just reach a point where the amount of pain you're enduring overrides the fear and you're willing to do anything not to wake up tomorrow, fuck the consequences. It's somewhat easier to act if you have access to a method.

 

[AshClouds]

That's totally understandable. I got over that fear quite a few years ago but after being on life support after an intentional overdose and recovering with minimal repercussions, I'm very scared of having that happening again but ending up being permanently disabled.

I wouldn't do it with pills, they only have something like a 3% success rate iirc. I know they probably pumped out your stomach, but did they know it was a CTB attempt? Were you able to pass it off as an accident?

 

[Blackroom_57]

Just wait for it to get bad enough. That was what sparked my previous attempts. You just stop giving a fuck and force yourself to go through with it.

 

[cwsyf]

I wouldn't do it with pills, they only have something like a 3% success rate iirc. I know they probably pumped out your stomach, but did they know it was a CTB attempt? Were you able to pass it off as an accident?

I didn't really know much about the success rate of overdosing at the time, I just took about 6 months worth of a few different types of medications I was on and hoped for the worst.

In regards to the stomach pumping, I don't really remember much of it tbh. I remember being put in an ambulance with my mom and having a catheter put in and then removed and another being put in because the first one was too big then nothing until I woke up in the hospital a few days later. They knew it was a ctb attempt because of the text I sent to my ex fiancée just after doing it so I had a nurse guarding my hospital room and a day or two after I remember being conscious I had a friend park outside and I left when the nurse went to the washroom, my family and ex fiancée blew up my phone until they convinced me to go back because I was on the verge of organ failure. After I came back they put me in the psych ward for about a week before letting me out.

Just wait for it to get bad enough. That was what sparked my previous attempts. You just stop giving a fuck and force yourself to go through with it.

Forgot to include this in my last reply but it is bad enough. At this point I sleep with a noose I tied and about 10,000mg of assorted OTC meds under my pillow every night but I'm just terrified of ending up brain damaged.