Getting Cold Feet?

[sephlove]

So I've had everything planned, and I'm executing the motions of everything. In fact today is 48 hours into my regime.
However, inside of me I feel that it is not the right time. But is there ever a "right time". I've dabbled with the idea of CTB for a long time, I can't believe I am having second thoughts now. But I know for sure I don't want to continue life.

The reason for my CTB is my mental health. But to make matters worse this year, I lost my grandma, lost a bunch of friends, and broke up with my ex for good and had to watch them move on quickly. But I guess those were all bearable. What has not been bearable is that my parents are forcing me into an arranged matter - it's either I accept it or basically go homeless and they cut me off from the entire family. So I feel like this is heightening everything, and I just want to get my CTB over with before I meet this guy and the engagement is made "official" because I've already gotten to know him and I just DON'T LIKE him. They call me ungrateful for this and I've been abused in many ways just because I said one simple word - no!

However, now I am getting cold feet about tomorrow, even though I know this what I want despite these current emotions that I am feeling.

Anyone experience this? What did you do? Where do you go from here?

 

[LongLostNoHope]

I am struggling with much loss as well as many chronic pain conditions. My mental health is suffering. I am so sorry for your situation. Can you get a job to support yourself or live with a friend? Nobody should be forced into a marriage. Please consider all option before you CTB. I am praying for you and sending much love.

 

[Railiah P]

I understand that feeling. Life is difficult in general, and not for any particular reason. I have wanted to CTB my entire life. I recently learned of SN. I ordered some but I still haven’t set a date or made a real plan. I’m scared to say the least. IDK why but I’m more afraid now then I have ever been in the past. I’m definitely having cold feet and IDK if I will ever get over it.

 

[Meditation guide]

I just want to get my CTB over with before I meet this guy and the engagement is made "official" because I've already gotten to know him and I just DON'T LIKE him.

That sounds horrible. What an insensitive family you must have. I am so sorry you are in such an unbearable situation.

 

[profoundexperience]

CTBing can be one of the hardest things to do in life. It's completely understandable -- and normal -- to feel the way you do.

It's really unfortunate you're under the pressure of an arranged marriage. But, we all have common reasons = we share with many others & we have quirky, individual reasons = specific to us.

Anyone experience this? What did you do? Where do you go from here?

The truth is nobody who can answer you here has successfully passed the threshold and ctb'd. You either are "sure enough" and do it or you "aren't there yet". In this way, we all -- if we do it -- always do it at the perfect time.

 

[Kruger]

It's not unusual to feel that way. It's not a natural thing to have to do. And if you're a thinker, it's even harder.

 

[Marktheghost]

Yes, I'm experiencing this too. I've known I want to die since 1998 (or it might even have been late 1997). And after all these years, now I've got the chance to do it, I'm feeling uncertain. I was thinking of dying this week, I've decided to delay it a couple of weeks. That's where I'm at. I don't know where I'll go from here.

 

[Lastsauce]

Humans are hardwired to survive so if you are not in a suicidal psychosis it will be a very decision as it should be.

 

[sephlove]

I've been going back and forth, and it's been exhausting.

I decided to wait at least another week. Maybe, longer.

I also know that even if I decide to live a bit longer, I can't continue living like I am. Just going with the motions of life. Feels like life is dragging me by my forelock and I have no control over any aspect of myself. I've given up on myself in every way, and no doubt that's been adding to the suffering.

My SN will be good for 6 months I believe, and can be used up until 3 years (according to google).