getting close, does anybody else pull away from everybody when depressed ?

[ever so lonely]

so as it says on the tin guys/gals, i am getting closer and closer with this cbt shit, ya know i tried a little more of my sn earlier, and exchanged a new air tight bag for it, somebody here has added me to a whatsapp group to help talk me through the process of what to do, thank you, tho they aint encouraging me, i wish to get that straight, this is MY choice, the taste is absolutely fucking ghastly btw, like sea water but much more profound, i felt giddy and that was with only a mouth full, what i have found is i cant take my fluctuating moods nomore, i delete people randomly, dont respond, flake on them, and then my friends tired of this ditch me, i have lost everybody who ever mattered due to my behavioral patterns, as i am so lonely i want to die, it rly that simple, i dont want a sympathy vote, or attention, it isnt a cry for help or woe is me, i just want gone, i have been on this site a while, maybe a little too long a while, for somebody contemplating it, i am a veteran of the site and yet i am still here, i dont wish to be, my moods yo yo, and people distance themselves, time and time again, if i aint pushing them away it is arguing them away, randomly blocking people, and treating em like shit, i dont know why i do what i do, or expect differing results, i am tired guys i will try sn again a little later tonight, exchanging bags for it has been a pain in the proverbial arris, god bless, may we find peace !.

 

[iDieUDie80]

Not so far that I'm sabotaging my relationships, but if I'm really suicidal I will withdraw from people. I don't want to be honest with people because they might become concerned and it will interfere with my plans. Sometimes, the hope is to continue to spiral, not seek out help and not have anyone be aware of how bad I'm doing so I can go out without anyone really noticing or stopping me.

 

[pyroxenic]

i wish i can say more to you, but i really feel with your feeling of unbearable fluctiating moods and push-and-pull with relationships with people and how in the end people get fed up with that behavior. I too contimplent CTB because of the emotional agony of mood swings. But if anything, i hope you can find peace at the other side. If everything else fails, i hope you end up safe and ok good luck brother.

one last thing, have you researched about BPD? im diagnosed w this myself and i struggle with everything youve listed as your behavior pattern and is somewhat common among other pwBPD. If you havent heard about BPD before i strongly recommend you read about it, it may or may not give you more understanding of your behavior. Otherwise good luck w everything

 

[StolenLife]

Honestly yes, I don't trust people in general so it's not exactly hard for me to pull away. I'm alone but honestly I prefer it that way.

 

[Aisley]

I have to work, consciously, at making myself emotionally available to the people who are actually in my life. It's a real effort, and I fail most of the time. Anyone else, like co-workers and people who would even call themselves my friends, sadly, get the 'customer support' face I give to strangers. At the end of the day, no one is let in. I just don't know how. This site is the only time in my life where I've been honest and real, all the time. Real weird feeling, sometimes. Naked, but not fully exposed. Not the owl, but the tree.

That shit isn't a toy. I know you know that, but quit fucking around with it. Back in the day (like over two years ago) there were almost daily posts here about people who'd sipped and got sick, and panicked because of it. And then everyone would give them shit for it. Play with table salt or something til the day comes, if it's a peace of mind thing. Peace is coming. You already have it. Soak that in for your last days and fully grok it. Get your money's worth, you know?

 

[ever so lonely]

you make some very good points there mate, i dont think would have been here when those posts were knocking bout, the panic you describe is what fucks me up, the taking it and realising your in your death throes and severe si kicking in, but by then of course it is too late, makes me wonder how many have gone out dreading it at there final seconds ya know, i hear you my friend, we can be our authentic selves here and no get judged for it, i feel these taboos in society are what leads people down this path to begin with, the lack of communication on suicide can't be doing the problem any favours, your prob correct mate this person who is instructing me reckons he can tell exactly by body weight how much i would need to be fatal, and how to drink it without throwing up, i couldnt access the entiemetics, the truth is taking a slug of it earlier makes you want to wretch instinctively, thanks for your kind words here my friend, take care of yourself, and thanks everybody for your posts honestly i appreciate it, i wish you peeps well whatever we decide here

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes burning all bridges … easier to be alone

 

[TapeMachine]

I feel you, @ever so lonely. I also detest my fluctuating moods (I never know how I'm going to feel upon waking each morning), as well as my proclivity for pushing everyone away, isolating myself (whether depressed/suicidal or not.)

I hate that your experiences have yielded far too much pain to warrant your continuation in life. I sympathize and hope that you can at least find comfort in your final days/hours.