Venting Getting Better is Terrifying

[mapleboy]

I recently recovered from the worst heartbreak in my life and found myself an adoring partner who is the sweetest and most patient person ever. I love him so very much, it's unreal. I never thought I'd have something like this in my entire life, and it's terrifying. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy or have people in my life who genuinely care for me. I want to be able to experience wonderful things in life with him by my side, but it's so scary. I don't understand why I feel the way that I do. I hate the idea of seeing myself improve my mental health and living as a normal human instead of someone bound by their suicidal thoughts and deep-rooted self hatred. I hate the fact that I'm basically wasting my partner's precious time and love on myself. It feels so wrong. I truly do not deserve anything positive in life, but at the same time, holy fuck would it be nice to have. I have a really bad habit of self sabotaging whenever I have something really good going on, or whenever I make successful steps to improve. It feels very wrong to not be constantly weighed down by past trauma and issues. It doesn't feel like I'm myself when I'm in a good mental space. It's so fucking scary. I feel like I would lose all sense of who I was if I were happy, even though I still feel like I already am nobody. It would feel incredibly wrong. I don't even know if I want to overcome this fear because my despair is just so comfortable and familiar. I want to spend the rest of my life with my partner, it would be such a dream come true, but it's terrifying. I want to kill myself, I hate existing, yet there is an opportunity to live a fulfilling life right in front of me that I still can't bring myself to take. Apologies if this was hard to read/digest, I'm a bit sleepy and overall suck at verbalizing my thoughts.

Does anyone else feel the same, or similar? I feel very alone in my friend circles, they all tell me I'm deserving of happiness and improvement etc. but I don't want to believe or accept it.

 

[d-tea]

Fear of Recovery is fairly common. If you're used to a certain state of mind and your mind has learned to work that way, it's difficult to change it immediately. It needs time. Also, self hatred and suicidal thoughts may have become a big part of your identity over the years. The brain prefers stability over chaos, whether negative or positive, so we go with what we know instead of venturing into the unknown.

Go with the flow, try to communicate well and be a good partner. Recognize and verbalize when you are struggling and what part of your mind those thoughts are coming from, and see where it leads you.