Genetic disorder? Traumatic event? Coping mechanism? Disassociation? Why r u here?

[snooperdooper]

Recently I looked at an old school ID photo of myself, and I could see into my eyes and I wondered if I was ever really there. I don't know why I am depressed. I don't know why being trans has affected me mentally more than anybody else. I just wonder if antidepressants would have worked for me. If somebody had forced me to take them I would have had the sound mind to get on HRT right then and there and I wouldn't be cleaning up the mess I left myself years later. Am I this way because of genetics? Did the effects of puberty traumatize me and I became depressed through that?

I am so tired of knowing nothing and having zero control over everything. I don't know why I am depressed. I can't kill myself. The direction of my life is left out of my hands. Anybody else feel this way? Why am I the way that I am

 

[Lycoris]

I just wanna say that it's definitely still worth trying anti depressants if you haven't already. It does seem to help some people despite it not being the miracle drug some people think it is. Being trans is also a very difficult thing to go through, just from the social ostracization alone not to mention people politicizing your existance and the hateful comments people make just devoid of any empathy. I think most of us are here for a mix of reasons, i know i'm here for all of the above that you listed in the title. I've gone through HRT myself and been on it for 10 years and even though it didnt "fix" me it at least gave me a fighting chance at one point to get to accomplish all the things that younger me would have just given up on. I dont know what the answer is for you but you're not alone in this at all