ExistHarm
suffering
- Mar 12, 2023
- 216
nsfw trigger warning, body horror
kind of an esoteric reason to want to ctb, but no different than any other chronic illness. except i guess it was more of a mental illness than a physical one. i used to not know how to burp or fart. it was worse than you might be thinking. from as early as i can remember, probably around the time my mom stopped burping me as a baby, to around 16 years old, i just never knew how to burp or fart. all the gases from normal life functions such as eating, drinking water or carbonated beverages, even breathing, that ended up in my gastrointestinal system, just...stayed there. i would get terrible, terrible aches all day, now i know it was my body telling me to excrete the carbon dioxide that was essentially poison trapped in my tract. crippling headaches, body aches, pangs of stomach ache, as the gases travelled through my intestines. i just...never realized that i could, like, burp, and it would be fine. neither did i ever fart because i always confused the signal with having to excrete instead and was scared of, ya know, shitting my pants in school. oh and to add onto it, im not autistic or ocd (i dont think) but i could never use the bathroom at school. i always found it way too gross and personal, huge cracks between the door and the stall, who knows who else was sitting there before (average smartphone has more bacteria than a toilet seat but, irrational fear), and i like to wet the paper a little before which you can't do in a stall. so i would get completely constipated for days, a week, because i would overpower my body's signal to use the bathroom. combined with the low fiber, largely flesh meat diet of america, i would be in essentially agony 24/7. it contributed a very unhealthy relationship i had with food, probably could be defined as anorexia, because my system would always be backed up. after days of constipation i would finally have a BM and feel such a blissful fucking feeling, it was like an opiate high. only for the process to essentially start all over again. combined with the absolutely deranged design of toilets (sitting is a very unhealthy way to excrete, it pinches the colon and can lead to hemorrhoids and contribute to constipation), i would sit on the toilet for hours, sometimes screaming and in tears, not understanding why it was so hard for me to move my bowels.
so for the majority of my life thus far i have been in essentially a needless prison of my own mind in this respect. i can't over-exaggerate how bad this was. memories of all sorts of places i have been, events, things i did, have been tainted as i was in constant lowboiling gastrointestinal agony. i couldn't understand how anybody else did it; i really thought everyone had similar problems and that just, nobody talked about it. recalling these memories is painful, and i am only now realizing just how much pain i was in for so long, utterly needlessly. i wanted to die. i thought life was always going to be this bad. i wasn't necessarily wrong overall, life is a fucking nightmare, but i managed to solve this one issue eventually.. it was only until i was 16 when i told my friend jared that i couldn't burp, and he was like: thats not possible. so he taught me, something that i guess is just innate for most people, how to like, move the air back up the trachea and open the throat to release it. i remember the first time i burped on purpose; like what the fuck, ya know? i still had pretty bad constipation issues still going forward. honestly i can't even remember some of the pain, i guess my brain just kind of covers it up like ptsd. eventually i learned that in most of the world people use squat toilets. i remember at 17 or 18 years old, trying for the first time to plant my feet on the toilet seat and squat, if you can picture it, and it was like the first time i had excreted that felt normal ever. i also went vegan at 19 years old, and it furthermore changed my life having what is essentially a healthy amount of fiber for the first time in my diet. since then i can probably count on two hands the amount of times i have been constipated and never more than a few days, nothing like the excruciating agony that colored most of my adolescence. it is chronic problems like this (although im not even sure how to define this issue, i haven't found a good definition what exactly my problem was) that makes me so angry at existence. i was in pain; and i can imagine that anyone who suffers from chronic problems, whether it be joint pain, mental illness, ocd, major depression, anxiety, seizures, agoraphobia, selective mutism, autism, or whatever the fuck else, can empathize with me when i say that life can be so, so incredibly hard to bear. i don't have this gastrointestinal problem anymore, but i have so many other issues that make life just hell. i have somewhat healed from this specific set of ailments, but the scar tissue is there. life is torture. no one asked to be born and life is imposed on everyone. without the RTD a painless and peaceful death, life as it right now is simply slavery. how many people in the past have suffered excruciating pain, alone? how many more people and sentient beings will have to suffer before humanity's, and life itself's, inevitable extinction? just thinking about it makes me numb and sick........well, thanks for reading....
kind of an esoteric reason to want to ctb, but no different than any other chronic illness. except i guess it was more of a mental illness than a physical one. i used to not know how to burp or fart. it was worse than you might be thinking. from as early as i can remember, probably around the time my mom stopped burping me as a baby, to around 16 years old, i just never knew how to burp or fart. all the gases from normal life functions such as eating, drinking water or carbonated beverages, even breathing, that ended up in my gastrointestinal system, just...stayed there. i would get terrible, terrible aches all day, now i know it was my body telling me to excrete the carbon dioxide that was essentially poison trapped in my tract. crippling headaches, body aches, pangs of stomach ache, as the gases travelled through my intestines. i just...never realized that i could, like, burp, and it would be fine. neither did i ever fart because i always confused the signal with having to excrete instead and was scared of, ya know, shitting my pants in school. oh and to add onto it, im not autistic or ocd (i dont think) but i could never use the bathroom at school. i always found it way too gross and personal, huge cracks between the door and the stall, who knows who else was sitting there before (average smartphone has more bacteria than a toilet seat but, irrational fear), and i like to wet the paper a little before which you can't do in a stall. so i would get completely constipated for days, a week, because i would overpower my body's signal to use the bathroom. combined with the low fiber, largely flesh meat diet of america, i would be in essentially agony 24/7. it contributed a very unhealthy relationship i had with food, probably could be defined as anorexia, because my system would always be backed up. after days of constipation i would finally have a BM and feel such a blissful fucking feeling, it was like an opiate high. only for the process to essentially start all over again. combined with the absolutely deranged design of toilets (sitting is a very unhealthy way to excrete, it pinches the colon and can lead to hemorrhoids and contribute to constipation), i would sit on the toilet for hours, sometimes screaming and in tears, not understanding why it was so hard for me to move my bowels.
so for the majority of my life thus far i have been in essentially a needless prison of my own mind in this respect. i can't over-exaggerate how bad this was. memories of all sorts of places i have been, events, things i did, have been tainted as i was in constant lowboiling gastrointestinal agony. i couldn't understand how anybody else did it; i really thought everyone had similar problems and that just, nobody talked about it. recalling these memories is painful, and i am only now realizing just how much pain i was in for so long, utterly needlessly. i wanted to die. i thought life was always going to be this bad. i wasn't necessarily wrong overall, life is a fucking nightmare, but i managed to solve this one issue eventually.. it was only until i was 16 when i told my friend jared that i couldn't burp, and he was like: thats not possible. so he taught me, something that i guess is just innate for most people, how to like, move the air back up the trachea and open the throat to release it. i remember the first time i burped on purpose; like what the fuck, ya know? i still had pretty bad constipation issues still going forward. honestly i can't even remember some of the pain, i guess my brain just kind of covers it up like ptsd. eventually i learned that in most of the world people use squat toilets. i remember at 17 or 18 years old, trying for the first time to plant my feet on the toilet seat and squat, if you can picture it, and it was like the first time i had excreted that felt normal ever. i also went vegan at 19 years old, and it furthermore changed my life having what is essentially a healthy amount of fiber for the first time in my diet. since then i can probably count on two hands the amount of times i have been constipated and never more than a few days, nothing like the excruciating agony that colored most of my adolescence. it is chronic problems like this (although im not even sure how to define this issue, i haven't found a good definition what exactly my problem was) that makes me so angry at existence. i was in pain; and i can imagine that anyone who suffers from chronic problems, whether it be joint pain, mental illness, ocd, major depression, anxiety, seizures, agoraphobia, selective mutism, autism, or whatever the fuck else, can empathize with me when i say that life can be so, so incredibly hard to bear. i don't have this gastrointestinal problem anymore, but i have so many other issues that make life just hell. i have somewhat healed from this specific set of ailments, but the scar tissue is there. life is torture. no one asked to be born and life is imposed on everyone. without the RTD a painless and peaceful death, life as it right now is simply slavery. how many people in the past have suffered excruciating pain, alone? how many more people and sentient beings will have to suffer before humanity's, and life itself's, inevitable extinction? just thinking about it makes me numb and sick........well, thanks for reading....
