NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[Manaaja]

View attachment 183309

A Finn, a Middle Eastern and an American where on a train.

The American threw money out of the train's window yelling "We have so much money, we can afford to throw it out of the window!".

The Middle Eastern threw a barrel out yelling "We have so much oil, we can afford to throw it out of the window!".

The Finn took the jokes on this thread and threw them out. XD

 

[maniac116]

2 fleas meet in the city...

One of them is coughing hard and seems to be really sick.
The other one asks: "what the Fuck happened to you?"
The other replies: "I did something stupid. I crawled into the mustache of a biker. Shit got cold quickly and now I'm stuck with the flu."

"Man that sucks, but I know something you can do. Get in between the legs of a human female. There's usually a patch of hair and it's nice, cozy and warm."

A week later they meet again, the first flea still coughing his lungs out.
The other flea cries out: "Dude, did you not listen to me last time?"
To which the first replies: "I did, but it got so nice and warm I fell asleep and the next morning I was somehow back in the biker's mustache!"

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

1) What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
Well, he had so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into LEGOs... Now kids play with him for a change.
2) Did you hear they were making a McJackson burger for Michael Jackson?
It has a 50 year old piece of meat in a 12 year old bun
3) We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson...
First lesson: fingering A minor
4) I used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask.....
Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller, Beating it.....
5) I heard Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning...
He ate some 12 year old nuts

 

[maniac116]

1) I couldn't understand why the baseball was getting closer and closer ... and then it hit me.

2) A man goes to a therapist and says, "Doctor, why do people keep ignoring me?"
The therapist replies, "Next!"

3) My wife says I'm a skeptic...
But I don't believe a thing she says.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Why do priests suck at racing ?

They always come in a little behind....

 

[maniac116]

A man was very sick...
Doctors feared the worst.
He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you."
The man says, "Are my children here?"
"Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here…"
The man sits up and says, "Then why the hell is the light on in the kitchen?!!"

 

[maniac116]

1) What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together we can stop this crap.

2) What should you do if your wife starts smoking? Slow down.

3) One woman says to the other, "I slept with my husband before we got married. Did you?"
The other woman says, "I'm not sure, what's his name?

4) What do you call a support group for people who hate their job? "Everybody."

 

[westerly_merlin]

 

[maniac116]

1) According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

2) I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

3) I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

 

[maniac116]

11 Minutes...

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for sexual activities...
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a very young girl in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane… and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her…what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes & 14 seconds."

 

[maniac116]

https://wtfnotebooks.com/
1) What's the difference between a dead body & a Lamborghini?...
I don't have a Lamborghini in my living room.

2) I got my COVID test today, it says 50...
What does that mean?
...Also, my IQ test came back positive.

3) I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting."...
...So we stopped playing chess.

 

[maniac116]

1) Never break someone's heart...
... they only have one.
Break their bones instead...
...they have 206 of them.

2) It's important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

2) I'll never forget my granddad's last words to me just before he died: "Are you still holding the ladder?"

4) Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

 

[EmptyBottle]

A Finn, a Middle Eastern and an American where on a train.

The American threw money out of the train's window yelling "We have so much money, we can afford to throw it out of the window!".

The Middle Eastern threw a barrel out yelling "We have so much oil, we can afford to throw it out of the window!".

The Finn took the jokes on this thread and threw them out. XD

An EmptyBottle was rolling down the train tracks. It stopped in a crevice of grass. It sees several banknotes and a barrel of oil somewhere further down, saying to itself... Ooo, I'm rich!

 

[maniac116]

1) My girlfriend & I agreed to commit suicide together...
She went first & I have to admit that since she left things are starting to look much better.

2) How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.

 

[maniac116]

It was getting crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?" he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator…." ​

 

[maniac116]

1) Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they look funny for a second but then disappear.

2) When is a door not a door?
When it's just something I painted on the wall to give my captives false hope.

 

[maniac116]

 

[yesi]

 

[maniac116]

1) "The other day, my ex got hit by a car...
Startled by the news, I put the car in reverse and hit her again."

2) "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words... He said, 'Stop shaking the ladder!' Not the best time for a joke, I guess."

8. "People say you should live every day like it's your last...
So I'm ignoring everyone and eating cake alone as if it were my last birthday. Problem solved!"

 

[EmptyBottle]

What happens when you put 15 's into an EmptyBottle ?
you get into one of it's favourite forums!

Note: This no longer works coz I used a random, saved string for entering. The lack of a key symbol in my status is proof (coz I kept it so I can copy the keys)

 

[maniac116]

"I'm sorry to tell you this but you have cancer," the doctor told her patient. "I do?" "Yes, but that's not all… you also have Alzheimer's disease," said the doctor. "I do?" "Yes," nodded the physician. The patient beamed and said: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer."

The doctor tells his patient: "Well, I have good news and bad news…." The patient says, "Lay it on me, Doc. What's the bad news?" "You have Alzheimer's disease." "Good heavens! What's the good news?" "You can go home and forget about it!".

 

[maniac116]

1. They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
2. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn't go in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section.
3. Wanna hear a joke about trickle-down economics? Eh, never mind—99 percent of you will never get it.
4. "Indecisive" is my favorite word. Actually, no, it isn't.