NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[darksouls]

 

[The Morningstar]

When asked why a woman killed her husband instead of just kicking him out, she responded with,

"He couldn't make me come, and I couldn't make him go!"

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

1. My wife is mad I ruined our anniversary, which is odd. I don't even know when it is.
2. Why is being married worse than going to work? At least at work, you might get a new boss.
3. My husband is driving me to drink. It's better than taking an Uber.
4. How are husband's like wine? They take years and years and years to mature.
5. My husband told me I'm a know-it-all. I told him I already knew that.

 

[maniac116]

1) I told my psychiatrist that I'd been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

2) I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work.

 

[maniac116]

1) Option 1: Let's eat grandma.
Option 2: Let's eat, grandma.
There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.


2) Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don't be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

 

[maniac116]

 

[mangoastronaut]

View attachment 152921

Is this AI?

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Due to woke culture....
The correct phrase is:

There's Gold In They/Them Thar Hills...

 

[maniac116]

• Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life...

 

[maniac116]

1) What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
2) A man is driving down the street when a cop pulls him over. The cop says, "Hey, your wife fell out of the car a mile ago!" The man says, "Thank God, I thought I was going deaf."
3) Researchers have discovered something that can do the work of five men: A woman.
4) A woman on her deathbed asks her husband to give her one last wish. She says, "When I'm gone, I want you to marry Lisa." The husband says, "I thought you hated Lisa?" The wife says, "I do!"

 

[maniac116]

1) What do you get a person with dementia for their birthday?
A jigsaw puzzle...
They'll be occupied for months.

---

2) How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish family?
None.

---

3) Why did Hitler shoot himself?
Because he received the gas bill.

 

[maniac116]

1) Three pregnant women visited a hospital to check the gender of their babies. While chatting in the waiting room, one lady said she's sure hers is a boy because she was on the bottom during sex...
The second one went ahead to say that hers will be a girl because she was on top...
The third one, a blonde remarked ''can't wait to see my puppies!'' ...

2) Two sperm swimming side by side were having a conversation...
One sperm asked the other ''how far till we reach the fallopian tubes?'...
' The other replied, ''No sure but we just passed the esophagus.''

3) What would you call a hooker with her hand up her skirt?... Self-employed!

 

[maniac116]

1)I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination...
..."Over there next to mine," was not the answer I was expecting.

2) I asked a New Zealander friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had...
He started counting but he eventually fell asleep.

3) There are three stages of sex after marriage:

1. Tri-weekly.
2. Try weekly.
3. Try weakly.

 

[maniac116]

A couple arrived at the sexual health clinic.

There was a sign on the door that said:
"For family planning and contraceptives, please use the rear entrance".

 

[X-sanguinate86]

Though at first they seem the same, there's a subtle difference between a hairdresser on fire and a dumpster on fire. The dumpster fire will be put out but the hairdresser on fire will just keep putting out.

(Thank god this is anonymous lol.)

 

[maniac116]

I was at the park the other day when a mother sat down beside me...
After a while, she leaned over and asked, "Which one is yours?"
I looked at her and said, "I haven't decided yet."

 

[maniac116]

MY LIFE !!!!!!!!

 

[maniac116]

There is a train signal-man up in the Highlands. He really wants to get a promotion so he sends a letter to British rail and they send up an assessor.

He asks him what he would do if two trains were barrelling down a track at each other.

The signalman says he would out one train on a passing loop.

"but what if the points are jammed?"

"I would throw the emergency switch"

"but what if the switch is on fire?"

"I would run out and use the lever on the line to switch the train into the passing loop"

"but what if it was struck by lightning?"

"then I'd get my uncle Alistair"

"why?"

"he's never seen a train crash before"

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

Saint Peter is at the Pearly Gates...

Absolutely bored and weary with his shift. He thinks of something that would make the evaluation process a bit more fun, so as the next soul comes up to him, he says:
–Look, let's make a deal. I don't care what you did in life, just tell me, how you died. If I find that amusing, I'll let you in.
–Well, Peter, – says the soul –I was suspecting my wife of cheating, so one day, I thought I'd leave work early. I take the lift, as we live on the 10th floor, I burst in through the door, and what do you know, there was my wife, fresh out of the shower, in her robes. I go frantic, shouting, raging, searching every wardrobe, every closet for the scoundrel. Alas, no luck, but in my fit of rage, I lifted the fridge and threw it right out the balcony. I realized that my suspicion was moot, but too little too late, as moments after, I had a heart attack from all this frenzy. And here I am.
Saint Peter smiles wryly.
–Alright, alright. Get in, that was good.
The next soul steps forward, and Saint Peter says to him:
–Okay, here's the deal. You tell me how you died, and if it's amusing, I'll let you in.
–Oh, Peter. – says the soul –You see, I was a mechanic in life. One day, this nice lady called me up to fix their AC. When I get there, she asks if it's okay for her to take a shower while I'm working. I say sure, no problem; it's gon' be a long procedure anyway. So I go out to the balcony to start working, but then I slip. I got hold of the railing, but no one heard me shout for help. I must've dangled for a good ten minutes when I lost my grip, falling ten stories. Miraculously, I managed to fall into a thick bush, which saved my life. I was just about to gather myself when gosh darn fridge fell from the sky, straight onto my head. And here I am.
Saint Peter lets out a good chuckle.
–Okay, wow. That's a good one, fella. Come on in.
The next soul steps up and Saint Peter addresses him.
–Now, listen here: Tell me how you died. If I find it amusing, I will let you in. But be wary; the competition's really tough.
–Pete, my man – says the soul – You won't believe this crap. So get this, I'm in my lover's fridge, butt naked….

 

[maniac116]

1. I told my psychiatrist I have suicidal thoughts. He charged me double.
2. I have anxiety. That means I care… too much… about imaginary problems.
3. I finally got help for my split personality. We're doing great.
4. Depression runs in my family. Mostly because we're too lazy to walk.
5. I don't need therapy. I need a nap. Forever.
6. Why do I talk to myself? Because I need expert advice.

 

[EmptyBottle]

I boarded a bus to get some snacks... one can say I CTB'd (caught the bus!)

 

[maniac116]

My last words will probably be "oops" or "uh-oh"...

 

[Shadows From Hell]

Went to the doctor to get a prostate exam. While I was bent over the exam table with my pants to my ankles, and the doctor standing behind me....

Doctor: "OK Steve, it's perfectly normal to get an erection during these types of procedures."

Me: "But doc, my name's not Steve."

Doctor: "I know, that's my name "




1. Best friend calls me up and says his dishwasher quit working. I told him I would have a talk with his wife.

2. How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? Hand her a shovel.

3. You know why blind people don't go skydiving? Because it scares the shit out of the dogs.

4. I gave a blind friend a cheese grater for xmas. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.

 

[maniac116]

1) I know I'm getting old...
The other day I walked past a cemetery, and two guys attacked me with shovels.

2) Give a man a plane ticket, and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet, and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

 

[loakms8]

money does buy happiness, because then i can hire someone to kill me peacefully and kept it pretty quiet.

(anyone who tells you money can't buy happiness should hire someone)

 

[darksouls]

 

[elenaboo25]

 

[maniac116]