luyten
such a beautiful day
- Sep 29, 2025
- 1
hello all, this is my first post here after lurking for a bit. apologizes if this topic is already often enough discussed
as I get older, I've been attending more frequent funerals for people in my family as majority of my surrounding family is old. Every time I attend a funeral, I can't help but (selfishly?) think of how my own will go.
Sitting in the room amongst many people crying while collecting severe mind static spiraling into how ill be perceived after I die is something I expect to occur every time I attend. I feel like many people don't end up speaking in memorium for their loved ones. I wonder if my parents or sibling will speak. I wonder if my partner will speak. Who will attend? I've been to many funerals where one of the most expected persons never show up. Will it be former friends? Family I haven't contacted in many years? In a way I feel it's disrespectful to attend my viewing if you did not attempt to contact me while I was alive.
I wonder how much suicide plays into the impact of the funeral. I've only been to funerals where the persons have died of old age or illness but they were still far past their 70's. What kind of shit will they spew about how they never saw it coming in terms of my suicide? How i was always a happy child and it was unexpected? Would my funeral turn into an anti-suicide advocacy? How blunt and honest will it end up being and what kind of memories would they even say about me? Would they call me bright and honest, special and talented, or whatever else positive describing adjectives they feel they fit me so dearly? I feel like this aspect also angers me as if you did not see my death coming, then you did not know me and cannot speak on who I was.
When I think so deeply about funerals such as this, it makes me sorta want to ctb just so I can watch how it will play. If that were even possible. It churns my stomach thinking about how people will react and how many will cry. I wonder who will be a mess and who will even shed tears at all. I wonder what photos they will display of me and what stories they have to tell. I wonder how my body will be treated and if it'll be open casket or if ill be buried. Sometimes I think about writing a funeral plan for myself but its kinda useless other than just giving myself some comfort on how it'll be done. Do people want to be celebrated and remembered at the funeral with a lengthy ceremony and an after party? I feel like my funeral would ideally skip this part, as I don't necessarily want to be remembered and I dont want people to have an event after my funeral.
I think funerals are what I most often think about for when I eventually ctb. Does anyone else think like this? Do you have expected funeral plans or a way in which you hope it'll it treated? Or do you believe a funeral doesn't necessarily matter as you will be gone?
as I get older, I've been attending more frequent funerals for people in my family as majority of my surrounding family is old. Every time I attend a funeral, I can't help but (selfishly?) think of how my own will go.
Sitting in the room amongst many people crying while collecting severe mind static spiraling into how ill be perceived after I die is something I expect to occur every time I attend. I feel like many people don't end up speaking in memorium for their loved ones. I wonder if my parents or sibling will speak. I wonder if my partner will speak. Who will attend? I've been to many funerals where one of the most expected persons never show up. Will it be former friends? Family I haven't contacted in many years? In a way I feel it's disrespectful to attend my viewing if you did not attempt to contact me while I was alive.
I wonder how much suicide plays into the impact of the funeral. I've only been to funerals where the persons have died of old age or illness but they were still far past their 70's. What kind of shit will they spew about how they never saw it coming in terms of my suicide? How i was always a happy child and it was unexpected? Would my funeral turn into an anti-suicide advocacy? How blunt and honest will it end up being and what kind of memories would they even say about me? Would they call me bright and honest, special and talented, or whatever else positive describing adjectives they feel they fit me so dearly? I feel like this aspect also angers me as if you did not see my death coming, then you did not know me and cannot speak on who I was.
When I think so deeply about funerals such as this, it makes me sorta want to ctb just so I can watch how it will play. If that were even possible. It churns my stomach thinking about how people will react and how many will cry. I wonder who will be a mess and who will even shed tears at all. I wonder what photos they will display of me and what stories they have to tell. I wonder how my body will be treated and if it'll be open casket or if ill be buried. Sometimes I think about writing a funeral plan for myself but its kinda useless other than just giving myself some comfort on how it'll be done. Do people want to be celebrated and remembered at the funeral with a lengthy ceremony and an after party? I feel like my funeral would ideally skip this part, as I don't necessarily want to be remembered and I dont want people to have an event after my funeral.
I think funerals are what I most often think about for when I eventually ctb. Does anyone else think like this? Do you have expected funeral plans or a way in which you hope it'll it treated? Or do you believe a funeral doesn't necessarily matter as you will be gone?
