Venting Fully relapsed after less than a month

[willitpass]

It's been less than a month since I've been home. The ketamine miracle has already finished. I've been in a gradual downward decent for a few weeks now and it's reaching a bad spot. I've returned to weighing myself every morning. I bought laxatives today. I've been more and more restrictive with food. And I'm lying to people about how I'm doing. The degree of self worth I had accumulated is dwindling back down to zero. CTB is on my mind more and more. I'm glad ketamine allowed me the chance to come back home. I got some time to experience the things and people I love for a little bit after 6 months away. And I knew it wasn't a forever cure, but fuck why did it have to be such a short time?

 

[maniac116]

 

[willitpass]

I'm so ready to let go. I'm not yet ready to actively CTB, mentally just not at a low enough point to be able to do it. But I am at a low enough point to wish I was.

 

[Daft-Bear]

I'm so ready to let go. I'm not yet ready to actively CTB, mentally just not at a low enough point to be able to do it. But I am at a low enough point to wish I was.

That feeling is one of the worst in the world.

 

[taylorj]

That feeling is one of the worst in the world.

Agreed...being stuck in a place of not wanting to exist anymore but being too numb/tired or simply not motivated enough to fully commit feels like...idk purgatory?

 

[WhiskeySolstice]

Agreed...being stuck in a place of not wanting to exist anymore but being too numb/tired or simply not motivated enough to fully commit feels like...idk purgatory?

Right??? Like how do I hurry my "ready"-ness tf up???

 

[taylorj]

Right??? Like how do I hurry my "ready"-ness tf up???

I know sometimes I wonder if it'll ever come. I think that maybe that readiness comes when the pain becomes greater than the natural urge to stay alive. It's crazy how enduring the human spirit is because man I've suffered some lows that felt so excruciatingly painful it felt almost unbearable yet here I am still...