I cut tonight. But all I fucking had was a kitchen knife and apparently it was dull. Barely fucking bled and that's the biggest source of relief. Now I just feel worse and I want a razor. A real razor. Something that will let the blood actually flow so I can get some relief. Fucking can't take this. I can't even cut right. Usually my leg is completely covered in blood and the water turns red. Been doing it too long for cat scratches to provide relief. Punched the wall hoping it would break my hand but nope hand isn't even swollen. I need the pain. It's the only thing that makes me less suicidal and now I'm more. God I wish I had access to a razor. I just want my thoughts to fucking stop and now I don't know how the fuck to get them to just leave me alone. Fuck might as well have blue balls now. Just everything sucks. I don't want to be here. I don't know how to stay and keep fighting. I'm losing this battle.
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