Venting fuck.

[Liammm]

Fuck everything. I said i would be a good little fucking christian and husband, and i would keep turning the cheek with my wife, I'd give her what she wants, and trans is a sin and misgender fucking "trannys." And then i get awesome fucking news that trump is kicking my trans military friends out, and other fucking abusive archaic things.

I cant stop fucking caring because I LITERALLY LIVE IN GENDER DYSPHORIA EVERY FUCKING DAY, and I'm the fucking bad guy when i struggle to cope with it. Sorry I don't like sex every single day with my fucking disgusting penis, sorry I dont want to have a baby when I'm FUCKING suicidal and you--- ohh its so fucking funny too, how she, my wife, already attempted suicide multiple times because I either said being a trans was not a sin when she asked my opinion, or, I said I wasnt ready for a baby after being FUCKING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED BY MY DAMNED CLOSE FRIEND ON MY BIRTHDAY, or you know, because I try to have an honest conversation of how I feel. I CAN FUCKING DO THE MOST GYMNASTICS WITH MY WORDS AND YOU FUCKING HURT YOURSELF OR TRY TO KILL YOURSELF IN FRONT OF ME!!
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AND THIS DAMNED RELIGION. I FUCKING HATE ALL OF IT.

I love to think about the fact that the very few people who have ever accepted me are going to FUCKING hell because they decided to transition, or in the case of my best friend is a fucking lesbian. Ah yes, I LOVE that I get to live with gender dysphoria when theres a FUCKING CURE dangled over my head but NO, ITS FUCKING SINFUL.

I hate it so much. So damn much. If i get sent to hell for fucking killing myself, it doesn't even fucking matter.

Another day, cosplaying as a fucking man, having to block my best friend on social media so that my wife doesn't kill herself if she found out I don't hate her her, another day fucking trying to pray to a God king who could give less than two shits about me, trying to be a good little fucking boy, when I never even got the chance to live how i want to.

i hate it here. This is hell, and it's only part 1 for me and those that i love. Isn't that fucking funny? i wish i could be born an uppity God fearing straight man who loves the gym. But no, not all of us are lucky like that. fuck.

Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have my wife search my phone again and find this and try to use it against me.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

having your identity denied is inherently cruel. no one fucking deserves that. I think living as your true self is the best gift you can give yourself within this sphere of conversation around being trans. im sorry those around you and religion has built you such a cage. I hate it for anyone. you are valid. your feelings are valid. however you identify in your heart is fucking valid.

I know I know very little here but (unless kids are involved etc and even still), could you separate from the parts of your life that deny your truth?

I don't have the answers but here if you want to talk.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Honestly, you should just divorce her. If she truly loved you then she wouldn't be attempting suicide every time you say that being trans isn't a or that you aren't ready to have a baby after (esepcially when she is aware of the fact that you were sexually assaulted before). I feel like what is doing can probably be classified as straight up manipulative. What's the point of staying with someone who makes you feel miserable?

Also, have you ever tried looking into seeing someone about your gender dysphoria? You could try looking into transitioning. Of course, I understand if you aren't in a place where you feel comfortable doing this, but you could try seeing someone who specializes in helping patients cope with gender dysphoria in the meantime. I feel like that could potentially be beneficial. It's at least worth a try (that of course being if this type of stuff is something you can find access to. I understand that depending on where you live and/or your income, this might not be an accessible option).

 

[SVEN]

I haven't any idea how you manage to cope with living with this on a daily basis, you have my sympathy. Best wishes for somehow finding a way to get out of this situation.

 

[dontwakemeup]

You live your life however you want and don't make any apologies for those who don't accept it! If you're trans, be trans and never be ashamed of who you are!

Even if you weren't trans, people will talk about you regardless! My daughter came out as gay but I already knew she was and I taught her what I stated above. I don't suggest telling everyone but those who need to know. It's not hiding but only tell people who need to know.

If your wife is making you unhappy then leave! We only have so long to be here and while I'm here I refuse to associate with anyone who can't accept me or bring unnecessary drama into my life.

I'm sick of these Bible scholars who claim everything is a sin and blah blah. We all sin! Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are!

Be strong. People are ignorant. Understand a lot of people have never met a trans person only heard of trans people. So I say this to say, you set the bar as to how people will view trans people when you come around, trust me they are watching. I personally met 1 trans person who I worked with. I treated that person as I did everyone else. The person ended up quitting that job because they talked so badly about her and they were always gossiping about to her. Stay strong, this world isn't nice.

 

[Can’tbearanything]

I'm so sorry a lot of what you've said sounds terrible… about the things your wife had been saying to you. I agree with what is being said above that it sounds like she is being very manipulative with you by threatening suicide.

Have you considered contacting an LGBT+ organisation to discuss what's going on for you? I don't know where you're based in the world… but if you'd be up for sharing then myself and I'm sure others on this forum would be up for making relevant suggestions…