Fuck you

[cantThinkOfName]

I never got to transition as a kid. I wasn't taught about LGBTQ+ people. I wasn't taught about trans people. I didn't know about puberty blockers or HRT. Yet, despite all of that, I still turned out trans. I didn't go back to being normal or grow out of it. All that happened was I spent years of my life suffering. It interfered with my childhood, my ability to make friends, my education, my ability to get a job, my ability to find a relationship. I'm an mentally and socially stunted, virgin, loner, faggot.

I'm 22. I'll spend my whole life alone living though video games, fantasising about being someone I'm not. The only thing stopping me being an drug addict is that I don't know anyone who sells them and I have no money. I'm going to kill myself, it's just a matter of time. I can only pussy out so many times before I eventually do it. Why do some people think this is the right choice? Why do some people think that as an adult I need to keep suffering? Why do people want to make kids go though what I went through?

You're all cruel, selfish, stupid, apathetic people. There aren't enough good people on this planet worth keeping alive. Even in this place there's horrible people. If there was a god, I pray that this world ends and everyone in it suffers. I HATE EVERYONE. YOUR ALL THE SAME. I HOPE I GET BANNED FROM HERE THIS WORLD IS A SICK FUCKING JOKE

 

[StrugglingSienna]

God, this is exactly how I feel. No matter how well I pass I will always have so many reminders of the male puberty that disfigured me. I'll never get to know what my voice would have sounded like. I'll always be seen as a tranny for wanting to be a girl and as a faggot for loving men.

 

[BloomingAzaleas]

I'll never get to know what my voice would have sounded like.

I mean it's not like you are barred from knowing, puberty just extends your range to be deeper really, and reversing that process by speaking with a shorter vocal tract, made me unironically sound like a child before puberty again
And then you tend to mimic the voices of the people around you so I guess if you still talked to the same friend group, you could get a good idea of what you could have sound like

But aiyah, puberty really sucks, it's leaves a scar on not only your body but also your mind cause it's just horrifying seeing those kinds of changes happen to you, irl body horror. And the psychological damage it's done has prevented me from ever living "normally" and made me part of the 41% statistic

It's a shame the world doesn't even allow you to be openly trans too really
People treat you different when they find out you're trans, even if you pass perfectly, they'll never really acknowledge us as "real women", at least bigots can be laughed at, but nothing can be done about being socially separated by society, if we complain then we're the unreasonable ones. The only thing we can do is stealth and hide in the end.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'll never get to know what my voice would have sounded like.

There is vocal feminization surgery, along with tips on how to train your voice to shound more feminine. Even some cis-men are able to sound more feminine through training themselves to do so.

 

[StrugglingSienna]

There is vocal feminization surgery, along with tips on how to train your voice to shound more feminine. Even some cis-men are able to sound more feminine through training themselves to do so.

Haha, I'm actually planning on getting that surgery done this summer. And I recently gained an income as well, so I can pay for voice training classes by trans women who really know what they're doing in this area. I've promised myself I would not CTB while waiting for surgery, but man, it can be hard not to resign yourself to hopelessness sometimes. I appreciate your response <3

I mean it's not like you are barred from knowing, puberty just extends your range to be deeper really, and reversing that process by speaking with a shorter vocal tract, made me unironically sound like a child before puberty again
And then you tend to mimic the voices of the people around you so I guess if you still talked to the same friend group, you could get a good idea of what you could have sound like

But aiyah, puberty really sucks, it's leaves a scar on not only your body but also your mind cause it's just horrifying seeing those kinds of changes happen to you, irl body horror. And the psychological damage it's done has prevented me from ever living "normally" and made me part of the 41% statistic

It's a shame the world doesn't even allow you to be openly trans too really
People treat you different when they find out you're trans, even if you pass perfectly, they'll never really acknowledge us as "real women", at least bigots can be laughed at, but nothing can be done about being socially separated by society, if we complain then we're the unreasonable ones. The only thing we can do is stealth and hide in the end.

Thank you for your reply. I guess I just need to gather the energy to voice train.

Yeah, I really wish I could feel proud about being trans. We should fucking feel proud. It's a massive struggle. My reward for passing has been getting to see all the transphobic shit people spew when they don't think any of us are around. Including my new boss (who I thankfully don't think has any idea). We're like what, 0.1% of the population? What did we do to deserve so much hate again? Being weird?

 

[BloomingAzaleas]

And I recently gained an income as well, so I can pay for voice training classes by trans women who really know what they're doing in this area.

If that teaching is worth the money I promise you you won't even need surgery.

I'd be happy to help out since I have experience teaching other trans women as volunteer work.

But this is also SaSu so the help I can provide without exposing my identity is kinda limited…

 

[Spicy Tteokbokki]

If that teaching is worth the money I promise you you won't even need surgery.

I'd be happy to help out since I have experience teaching other trans women as volunteer work.

But this is also SaSu so the help I can provide without exposing my identity is kinda limited…

Can use something like SimpleX Chat to be totally anon if you wanna do stuff outside this site before you eventually maybe build enough trust to reveal more if desired ig, or use DMs and third-party hosts for audio/file sharing maybe.

 

[cantThinkOfName]

There is vocal feminization surgery, along with tips on how to train your voice to shound more feminine. Even some cis-men are able to sound more feminine through training themselves to do so.

Surgery is unaffordable and having the right voice only works if you look the part as well. It doesn't matter what we do. It's just an attempt to delude ourselves that the world is worth living in when it never will be. Either things stay the same, get worse or we'll be too old for it to matter when things do get better.

God, this is exactly how I feel. No matter how well I pass I will always have so many reminders of the male puberty that disfigured me. I'll never get to know what my voice would have sounded like. I'll always be seen as a tranny for wanting to be a girl and as a faggot for loving men.

For me it's not even just that. I could maybe struggle along if I'm able to medically
transition as an adult early enough and the world was supportive and cared. It wouldn't be good, and I'd probably self harm, be an alcholic or take drugs, but I could see myself barely living. But having to deal with people is so cruel. The best of them are apathetic, intentionally stupid, and still prejudiced. The worst are down right evil and belong in hell. There is a slither of a minority of people on this planet who care.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

I started my medical transition in 2020 at the age of 24. Having undergone full male puberty, HRT didn't really do much for me in terms of allowing me to pass. I can say that voice training did help me a lot, but YMMV. Most people just look at me weird because the voice does not match the body. Everybody's circumstances are different, but with transitioning, "better late than never" is a valid thought pattern to have if only to get you by a few more years. I wouldn't be alive today if I had never started HRT, and I'm clawing my way to get FFS so that the only thing that would really give me away is my physique (I am quite built).

Having a support network of accepting friends also helps, but of course that's also easier said than done. I don't have many friends myself, and am highly anti-social, but the few I keep around help me greatly. One of them ended up becoming my current lover, but now my heart aches because I feel like I'll never be good enough for him because of me being trans. He is very much more proud of me than I will ever be for myself.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I empathize with you people, I really do, imagine you are infantilized so much that you need to hit a certain age to access hormone therapy and fucking puberty blockers. Imagine a burn victim that is a 13 year old not being able to use opioids or ketamine to soothe the pain of severe burns, sounds really fucking dumb and it is , the idea is that people can see physical pain but the moment mental anguish is described, they go into some kind of hot potato game where they start saying things like "walk it off" , "it's not that bad" , "stop bitching" and eventually arrive to "you are overreacting, your problems aren't real".

Why can't trans people get access to mere puberty blockers or HRT? for fuck sake we already know trans people exist for years, there is no excuse , nothing is done, as nothing was done for the benefit of gay/lesbian people and how nothing was done for the people with mental illness , we exist and are acknowledged for thousands of years. Shit fucking sucks, I truly believe people are in society only for the benefits of it and for none of the work because there is no way we all have it this bad.

 

[cantThinkOfName]

I started my medical transition in 2020 at the age of 24. Having undergone full male puberty, HRT didn't really do much for me in terms of allowing me to pass. I can say that voice training did help me a lot, but YMMV. Most people just look at me weird because the voice does not match the body. Everybody's circumstances are different, but with transitioning, "better late than never" is a valid thought pattern to have if only to get you by a few more years. I wouldn't be alive today if I had never started HRT, and I'm clawing my way to get FFS so that the only thing that would really give me away is my physique (I am quite built).

Having a support network of accepting friends also helps, but of course that's also easier said than done. I don't have many friends myself, and am highly anti-social, but the few I keep around help me greatly. One of them ended up becoming my current lover, but now my heart aches because I feel like I'll never be good enough for him because of me being trans. He is very much more proud of me than I will ever be for myself.

I don't have money and access to care is getting harder and harder. Also social anxiety has crippled my ability to make friends so I haven't had any since I finished high school in 2017. But I agree, if anyone can get care and does have a support group it would make a big difference for people even if not ideal. I just hope people don't end up having everything pile on. I'm stuck in a feedback loop of "I'm trans and can't/didn't get treatment so I'm depressed" -> "being depressed makes you push everyone away" -> "you don't develop social skills" -> "social anxiety" -> "you have no friends" -> "no support group makes you lonely and depressed" -> repeat.

But I hope you manage to save up enough to get ffs though .

 

[untothedepths]

i know its not much but....have an internet hug.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

I don't have money and access to care is getting harder and harder. Also social anxiety has crippled my ability to make friends so I haven't had any since I finished high school in 2017. But I agree, if anyone can get care and does have a support group it would make a big difference for people even if not ideal. I just hope people don't end up having everything pile on. I'm stuck in a feedback loop of "I'm trans and can't/didn't get treatment so I'm depressed" -> "being depressed makes you push everyone away" -> "you don't develop social skills" -> "social anxiety" -> "you have no friends" -> "no support group makes you lonely and depressed" -> repeat.

But I hope you manage to save up enough to get ffs though .

Thank you, it's a long road ahead. For what it's worth, I was in a similar boat to you for the longest time. The biggest thing that broke me out was getting over the "I need IRL friends" rhetoric that society convinced me of. All but 1 of my friends are people I met on Discord, and I've definitely lost and been betrayed by a lot of them over the years. I will never tell anybody that it's easy.

You've identified the feedback loop you're in, this is actually a very good start even if you can't feel it yet. You can't change being trans, but perhaps you can change how you respond to your depression so that you're less likely to push people away. This is of course much easier said than done, but it is not impossible. Perhaps you can find a trans support group somewhere online to break some of the rust. If even one of the links in the chain of depression you're in weakens, you become that much closer to self liberation, even if it's only a little.

I hope that you can find peace, however it works for you.

 

[hhtroc]

Everything here is so relatable, i confined about my crippling bdd in a friend today and he was really annoyed which makes me think he wouldnt be if i looked different but he thinks i look fine and then i think oh i need to go out and make friends but then i cant because im scared of being humiliated its fucking hell, i want out of this body but the thought that theres an offchance that im wrong despite my experiences doesnt let me, FUCK man. I wish i knew a definitve answer, once I have SN i think ima just act up and see if i get humilated for looks or if i dont and then ill have my definitve answer. Thers so many surgeries I want and i can technically get some of them and maybe live a normal life after but even talking to someone about me wanting them is hard, jesus christ plus ill be old as fuck.

 

[cantThinkOfName]

Thank you, it's a long road ahead. For what it's worth, I was in a similar boat to you for the longest time. The biggest thing that broke me out was getting over the "I need IRL friends" rhetoric that society convinced me of. All but 1 of my friends are people I met on Discord, and I've definitely lost and been betrayed by a lot of them over the years. I will never tell anybody that it's easy.

You've identified the feedback loop you're in, this is actually a very good start even if you can't feel it yet. You can't change being trans, but perhaps you can change how you respond to your depression so that you're less likely to push people away. This is of course much easier said than done, but it is not impossible. Perhaps you can find a trans support group somewhere online to break some of the rust. If even one of the links in the chain of depression you're in weakens, you become that much closer to self liberation, even if it's only a little.

I hope that you can find peace, however it works for you.

Thanks but with the way I am and how the world is turning out, I don't think I'm interested in getting better.

 

[Winterreise]

Fuck USA

 

[RadiantNumber]

I never got to transition as a kid. I wasn't taught about LGBTQ+ people. I wasn't taught about trans people. I didn't know about puberty blockers or HRT. Yet, despite all of that, I still turned out trans. I didn't go back to being normal or grow out of it. All that happened was I spent years of my life suffering. It interfered with my childhood, my ability to make friends, my education, my ability to get a job, my ability to find a relationship. I'm an mentally and socially stunted, virgin, loner, faggot.

I'm 22. I'll spend my whole life alone living though video games, fantasising about being someone I'm not. The only thing stopping me being an drug addict is that I don't know anyone who sells them and I have no money. I'm going to kill myself, it's just a matter of time. I can only pussy out so many times before I eventually do it. Why do some people think this is the right choice? Why do some people think that as an adult I need to keep suffering? Why do people want to make kids go though what I went through?

You're all cruel, selfish, stupid, apathetic people. There aren't enough good people on this planet worth keeping alive. Even in this place there's horrible people. If there was a god, I pray that this world ends and everyone in it suffers. I HATE EVERYONE. YOUR ALL THE SAME. I HOPE I GET BANNED FROM HERE THIS WORLD IS A SICK FUCKING JOKE

There is no god and if there is he is worst that Hitler or Stalin and being in hell would be priviledge
I feel sorry for You

 

[Dongle]

God, this is exactly how I feel. No matter how well I pass I will always have so many reminders of the male puberty that disfigured me. I'll never get to know what my voice would have sounded like. I'll always be seen as a tranny for wanting to be a girl and as a faggot for loving men.

God damnit it's about time that I read what I'm feeling inside. I feel this shit so hard

 

[bankai]

Let it out,let it all out.

 

[cantThinkOfName]

Every day I look at the news hoping it will just be a little bit better. That no matter how shit yesterday was, today could be better. It never is. No matter where I look. Specific news sites, reddit, trans spaces, discord servers, on the TV
No matter where I look its always worse. People are cheering and celebrating the courts clarifying the definition of a women excluding trans people and with healthcsre rapidly dwindling, slowly becoming a slightly more pretentious version of the US. The US is doing whatever the fuck the US is doing. The rest of the world, is marginally better at best or down right horrifying at worst. Nothing is getting better.

Every step I take to try to feel better, to get help, I look in the mirror and see a man with beard shadow and a mascuale frame. I seek medical treatment only to be stuck on a waiting list with the risk I will never receive the care needed. I tell myself "I just need to work hard and be patient and it will all work out" knowing full well my reward for successfully transitioning, for getting over my social anxiety, and dealing with my self-esteem, is that I'll be an unattractive, non passing trans woman in this shit world.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

You're in the UK?

 

[cantThinkOfName]

You're in the UK?

ye

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

I see, yeah I'm in the US. For me, the largest barrier was being able to make any kind of money to pay for a private provider of HRT. I've only heard horror stories regarding the NHS, so I don't have any advice for you there. Maybe another UK member can show you the way, but I don't know how many are left here due to the UK block.

 

[DontTouchMeImFamous]

Sorry you had to go through this. You don't deserve this. But I feel you. Life is hell. Nothing and no one worth living for. Like wherever I look, I can't see a glimpse of hope to make me think life is worth giving a chance. It's a true hell on every side of this earth but with varying degrees.

 

[Artificial-Angel]

I feel this entirely. God put us on this earth to suffer.