ambivalent_thespian
Depressed Theatre Adult
- Oct 5, 2023
- 38
after some urging from edtwt of all places, I finally attempted to talk to a doctor abt how I almost definitely have some form of ptsd because I've been symptomatic for the last two damn years, but unfortunately since I wasn't in active risk of being harmed (even though I did watch it happen to loved ones), I don't fit the diagnostic criteria and thus my treatment plan cannot be altered.
when I say I wanted to crash the fuck out...
but I thought better of losing my shit in a pediatric office because it's a bad time to go inpatient, anyway yeah anyone who says talking about your problems allows you to get help is a bloody goddamn liar and I hope that on the day I inevitably CTB, it's not considered a tragedy. it's willful ignorance, that's what it is.
yk I find it so fucking amazing that they pour so so much taxpayer money into teen suicide prevention, it always makes the news, the community is so shocked. but I haven't even been trying to hide it really. how in the name of fucking hell is finding out your teacher was a goddamn pedophile somehow not traumatizing enough to justify receiving mental health. how the fuck were we all expected to move on with our lives as if nothing even happened. it's always so fun to talk about until you have to tell your best friend that you were considering ramming your car into a telephone line over EVER having to be subjected to another 'progress review' again.
I dont think it's high school drama when you're a sophomore in college and it's actively preventing you from doing your job more often than not. nothing is enjoyable anymore. every show is just a blend of lights and sounds until you have to tear it all down and start it all over again. I can't bear the thought of getting to know anyone there and having to watch the same shit happen again. it's going to happen over and over again because that's just what this industry does to people. it's not what I'm passionate about. I was told I had to go to college and it was either a relatively easy theatre degree or being fucking homeless or stuck in a dead end job.
so yeah. help is inaccessible. and I dont ever want to hear otherwise ever again. and hey why dont I just leave this fucking site because if my trauma isn't valid enough to be diagnosed than surely it's not valid enough for me to kill myself over.
fuck everything.
when I say I wanted to crash the fuck out...
but I thought better of losing my shit in a pediatric office because it's a bad time to go inpatient, anyway yeah anyone who says talking about your problems allows you to get help is a bloody goddamn liar and I hope that on the day I inevitably CTB, it's not considered a tragedy. it's willful ignorance, that's what it is.
yk I find it so fucking amazing that they pour so so much taxpayer money into teen suicide prevention, it always makes the news, the community is so shocked. but I haven't even been trying to hide it really. how in the name of fucking hell is finding out your teacher was a goddamn pedophile somehow not traumatizing enough to justify receiving mental health. how the fuck were we all expected to move on with our lives as if nothing even happened. it's always so fun to talk about until you have to tell your best friend that you were considering ramming your car into a telephone line over EVER having to be subjected to another 'progress review' again.
I dont think it's high school drama when you're a sophomore in college and it's actively preventing you from doing your job more often than not. nothing is enjoyable anymore. every show is just a blend of lights and sounds until you have to tear it all down and start it all over again. I can't bear the thought of getting to know anyone there and having to watch the same shit happen again. it's going to happen over and over again because that's just what this industry does to people. it's not what I'm passionate about. I was told I had to go to college and it was either a relatively easy theatre degree or being fucking homeless or stuck in a dead end job.
so yeah. help is inaccessible. and I dont ever want to hear otherwise ever again. and hey why dont I just leave this fucking site because if my trauma isn't valid enough to be diagnosed than surely it's not valid enough for me to kill myself over.
fuck everything.
