While a lot of me does have a true desire to hurt myself, sometimes I get intrusive thoughts and the only way to make them go away is to do it. It's been speculated by providers that amongst my true self harm desires, I also have some self-harm OCD. Right now I'm a few weeks in to a self-harm/suicidal desire to die by sepsis from an infection. That seems to be progressing, slowly but surely. And boy does it have me feeling like absolute shit and being in a lot of pain. That isn't an intrusive desire. But I now have started having unrelenting thoughts about heating up boiling water in my kettle and "accidentally" spilling it on myself. I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I'm fucking suffering enough right now and my brain is dead set on making me live in more of a hell. I don't even really want to do this, but the only way to make it go away is to do it. Fuck my brain. I'm so ready to die. I don't want to live in my head anymore I can't keep living like this. I'm going to attempt to distract by taking a shower and such, but I have a feeling I may cave to the urge tonight.
Shower didn't help. Still can't stop thinking about it.
Shower didn't help. Still can't stop thinking about it.
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