Fuck it, I’m going tonight

[Everydayismisery]

Tracker says SN is still with US customs. I cannot fucking bear another fucking day in limbo sitting around waiting for something that might take another week. Im literally just an emotionless and expressionless corpse at this point.

I'm just going to do full suspension from the garage railings around 1am when my family is asleep, already tested it. It'll hold my body weight. Unfortunately I don't have a rope so I'm going to try my best to make due with a fitted bedsheet or this long body pillow case that I have, it's going to be a bitch to figure that out but it's all I have so fuck it. I do have a silk necktie that I tried with partial but I don't trust that'll hold my full weight.

Time for the hanging megathread for the night to double check some things. Fingers crossed this shit works and I don't bitch out last minute.

 

[Muse]

Wish you peace whatever you choose.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have never attempted hanging personally. To me it sounds like a difficult method and I fear it. I do wish that I had the courage. I understand the feeling of being desperate to leave. Living really is torture and I know that it is hard to carry on when all you want is to be gone. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[Nirrend]

I hope you can be at peace!

We are here if you need us <3

 

[eternalflame]

How much do you weight? Try pulling that bed sheet once it's tied down. I wouldn't trust it with my life or death if i were you.
I wish you strnght and luck.

 

[Everydayismisery]

How much do you weight? Try pulling that bed sheet once it's tied down. I wouldn't trust it with my life or death if i were you.
I wish you strnght and luck.

Around 155lbs. Still haven't made my mind up 100% on which way. instead of the garage railings I might just do it from my closet door, like these pictures from a psych ward suicide prevention site that just gave me ideas lmao. I'm pretty short so I can def pull this one off.

Around 155lbs. Still haven't made my mind up 100% on which way. instead of the garage railings I might just do it from my closet door, like these pictures from a psych ward suicide prevention site that just gave me ideas lmao. I'm pretty short so I can def pull this one off.

Nevermind, forgot about fucking convulsions. Garage it is

 

[eternalflame]

Check everything twice.

 

[london3]

Tracker says SN is still with US customs. I cannot fucking bear another fucking day in limbo sitting around waiting for something that might take another week. Im literally just an emotionless and expressionless corpse at this point.

I'm just going to do full suspension from the garage railings around 1am when my family is asleep, already tested it. It'll hold my body weight. Unfortunately I don't have a rope so I'm going to try my best to make due with a fitted bedsheet or this long body pillow case that I have, it's going to be a bitch to figure that out but it's all I have so fuck it. I do have a silk necktie that I tried with partial but I don't trust that'll hold my full weight.

Time for the hanging megathread for the night to double check some things. Fingers crossed this shit works and I don't bitch out last minute.

Really sorry about what you are going through, i hope you find peace soon

 

[Everydayismisery]

Check everything twice.

Of course! Like Santa!

 

[adventurer]

safe travels, and best of luck. i hope you find the peace you need.

 

[Mimilade]

The pictures are from "Measured Response to Identified Suicide Risk and Violence: What You Need to Know About Psychiatric Patient Safety" if somebody cares

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I wish you luck if that's what you want to do. I believe everyone has the choice to leave when they think they should. I hope it works out for you the way you are planning and I hope you can find that peace you've been seeking.

 

[Everydayismisery]

Update: still here, failed :( Set everything up and then took way too many benzos to lower SI. Figured I'd wait an hour for them to kick in but it straight knocked me out in 30 minutes. SN still with US customs too. Fuckkkk. Prolly going to try again tonight but without the benzos.

 

[keitaro]

yeah, i used to use benzos to fall asleep, so doing anything complicated after taking them might be tricky. they also made me confused.

 

[QuietEnd]

I hope you find peace

 

[Everydayismisery]

yeah, i used to use benzos to fall asleep, so doing anything complicated after taking them might be tricky. they also made me confused.

Yea it wasn't the best idea. I knew it was going to make me sleepy but underestimated how strong it would hit.

 

[keitaro]

i can understand why you used them for that, though. even though i know exactly why i want to ctb and that everything seems ultimately pointless, my body still gets tense when i think about actually carrying anything out. i got too scared when i went to a bridge to jump off. the only time i felt relaxed about it was when i mixed benzos with alcohol wondering if i wouldn't wake up.

i think i need to process through the things that are holding me back so that i can try to move on with peace.

whatever you choose, i hope you find peace.

 

[swab]

Hopefully it works out for you so you can find a peacefull exit

 

[Everydayismisery]

Double update: still here. Tried full last night in the garage. After I pushed over the little step ladder, SI kicked in to the max. The garage is cluttered so after SI hit, which was rather quick despite my determination, my legs planted on an exercise bike that was next to me to hold myself up. Now I have a ton of tiny red spots under my eyes. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO KILL YOURSELF. SI is my new arch nemesis.

SI is the most bizarre and unique feeling I've ever felt. Never felt it before trying to ctb. Im not religious but it's honestly like almost exactly what I would think divine intervention feels like. Beforehand I'm crying like please work please let me fucking die, PLEASE and when I drop and feel tingly/suffocating and going numb, there's this jolt and almost euphoric feeling of "NOPE not gonna happen" and my body takes over & my thoughts in that moment are like someone else's. My brain is like look at what you're doing! this is so crazy! you're really trying to kill yourself? Imagine the pain you will pass on? You will be gone forever dude, imagine giving up now and being done for infinity?

I undid the knot, dropped down, yell in frustration like what the fuck was that!! I DO want to die and am okay with all of that. Brains are fucking annoying, it literally feels like it's someone else is in my head because I never think that way.

Still waiting on my SN. I'm a million percent positive I can successfully do that. It's been a week today since I ordered with express shipping so I'm assuming it's still with US customs?? Wtf! I see other people getting it in 5-6 days. I deleted the tracking email and wiped my phone last night because I was sure I was going to die. I emailed the seller so hopefully I'll be provided another tracking email.

Idk wtf to do anymore y'all…….. I need out so bad.

 

[keitaro]

that sounds like a terrible struggle. it sucks that life hurts so much.
and about the sn: maybe you could order from a different company to see if that one ships faster.

 

[Everydayismisery]

that sounds like a terrible struggle. it sucks that life hurts so much.
and about the sn: maybe you could order from a different company to see if that one ships faster.

Thanks, yea it is shitty. With the SN, I just got a reply from the seller with the tracking number and it's still with customs. I don't blame the seller at all for this hold up. I bought from IC but I've also read about DD on here. If anyone knows how to get in touch with DD can you pm me? I'll literally buy right now lol

 

[keitaro]

Thanks, yea it is shitty. With the SN, I just got a reply from the seller with the tracking number and it's still with customs. I don't blame the seller at all for this hold up. I bought from IC but I've also read about DD on here. If anyone knows how to get in touch with DD can you pm me? I'll literally buy right now lol

i actually ordered from DD last night, and this morning i got an email saying they shipped it. i can pm you.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

sorry that you had to experience all the things, that led you to your decision.
I hope you find peace which ever way you decide.

 

[notlildarkie]

i actually ordered from DD last night, and this morning i got an email saying they shipped it. i can pm you.

Can you pm me so I can get in touch with DD?

 

[keitaro]

Can you pm me so I can get in touch with DD?

your account hasn't been used enough to allow pm.

 

[notlildarkie]

your account hasn't been used enough to allow pm.

Can I share my socials or is that not allowed?

 

[keitaro]

Can I share my socials or is that not allowed?

i don't think that's allowed. you should keep yourself anonymous, i think.

 

[Sunset764]

i actually ordered from DD last night, and this morning i got an email saying they shipped it. i can pm you.

Can I have a link to DD please?

 

[keitaro]

Can I have a link to DD please?

i will tell you what DD stands for, and it's up to you to find the website.
***
NOTE: anyone else reading this thread, please don't ask me for a pm about DD. i am tired of it.
however, there are other people around who love to share links all the time, so ask one of them.

 

[ATM]

Thanks for the description of SI. This is what I fear when I go to ctb.