Discussion From others' pov, would my CTB be considered rational (and well thought-out, non-impulsive)?

[TAW122]

While I already know the answer and my decision will remain unchanged, I figured I would at least get others' inputs to see if they confirm or refute mine. I won't go into all the details or a long story, background of everything as that will be too long, end up repeating myself (I have other threads already addressing various reasons and venting various problems already), and rather keep some details to myself (personal). I will, however, list major events and facts that I deem relevant in order to answer my (main) question.

As we all know, there are two kinds major categories of CTB, the impulsive (and oftenly unplanned, rushed) and the well-planned (carefully planned, not spur of the moment, generally when someone has suffered for an extended amount of time and has given the thought of CTB careful consideration as well as acquiring the means and preparation for the action). I believe I fall in the well-planned category.

My decision to CTB and wanting to CTB is coming from a lifetime of suffering, anguish, and also from a place of rationality and philosophy, not irrationality nor impulsivity. I see the bigger picture of my decision and it's impact, including the pros and cons of my action. Anyways, I will briefly list the facts, events, and milestones that led to my conclusion as well as my decision.


(Facts, events, and milestones)

• Ever since I was born, I never really enjoyed 'life'. I saw work and school as a tedious grind, only existence was forced and responded to my survival and primal instincts (to eat, sleep, exist).
  
  
• My childhood sucked in many ways, parents were emotionally abusive, school sucked, didn't get to do many cool things. Corporal punishment was a thing too.
  
  
• Had Aspergers before knowing about what it was. I only learned about the condition late adolescence and not really fully realized until early adulthood. Things were different and people treated me differently. I felt like I lived in a different world, communication was laborious and tedious.
  
  
• Started to question life and whether it was worth living or not teenage years (deeply) especially with all the unfairness and the way life treated me. Only proves how the world sucks. Thought about CTB abstractly but not really plan, nor had the means.
  
  
• 9/11 (in the year of 2001) and other world changing events limited freedoms and what people used to be able to do (in the past) can no longer do them and what was considered benign before, is then treated as a serious threat, crime, or ill and is dealt with. Can no longer joke about certain things without raising suspicions or getting into legal and other trouble.
  
  
• During my adulthood and early 20's I oftenly thought about CTB, planned it thoroughly and fantasized about it. I was (and still am) a major supporter of the right to die, voluntary euthanasia when I first learned about the topic and subject. Even if life was going ok, tolerable, or even during the good (but short lived) times, I always had the thought of euthanasia not because I was suffering at the time, but wanting it as an act of freedom, free will, and strongly advocated for it (as seen in my threads in the past, even prior to joining the SaSu forum).
  
  
• Other philosophies I have embraced are nihilism, antinatalism (more on that in a different topic), and just pessimistic realism. While I get criticized for being a Debbie-Downer, I would rather that than live in ignorant bliss. I would rather see the world for what it is than be blind by distractions and copes indefinitely.
  
  
• In 2019, several milestones and despite achieving them, knowing the world would be shit in the future. Made friends with TiredHorse (I really, really respected the guy and befriended him - of course he either CTB'd or found peace as the last time I had communication with him was August 2019). He seemed to believe I was rational and my wanting to CTB isn't impulsive or just going through a rough patch. I'm glad he is able to look at my reasoning and look at it objectively unlike what most prolifers do when they ask about reasons, which is merely just filler to their ears.
  
  
• In 2020 of course the pandemic, only reinforced my willingness to CTB. Other life events and of course inaccessibility to my method due to other circumstances.
  
  
• Furthermore, I can see things (as a whole) getting worse and not just directly related to me, but even indirectly (which will have some impact too) affecting me in the long run so if I CTB, I will avoid the future suffering. While I may miss out future pleasures, those pleasures are not worth all the suffering to obtain.

There are so many more events, incidents, and facts over the span of my lifetime that I did not list (because that would easily take up many posts and that's not the point of this thread), but I thought I'd just list a few, briefly, for the purposes of answering the main question. While I did omit lots of other details during my life and other events, facts, and brief reasons, I listed most of the major ones (again for the sake of the reader being able to answer the question).

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With all that said, does anyone arrive at the same conclusion as I did? In other words, would anyone consider my decision to CTB to be rational, non-impulsive, and/or through prolonged suffering? If not, please explain your reasoning.

 

[Unworthyoflove]

hej, it seems hard for me to view decisions that come from an emotional state as rational. but I understand where you are and am very empathic towards your mindset. so I basically find it highly understandable . wishing you all the best. hugs

 

[Forever Sleep]

I believe all suicides are justified- as in- things felt SO bad for that individual, death became their only escape.

Rational is a little harder to answer... How can any of us really know if our brains are functioning normally? Are we even meant to be that rational?- We are emotional beings. If you are asking- what would most people do after living your life? (And I'm sorry it has been so difficult) I truly don't know. I kind of feel like me being me, I'd likely come to the same suicidal conclusion living anyone else's life.

The problem is- and I'm not calling you mad... My neighbour (by his own admission) went off the rails once. He described it- not as feeling confused but as seeing the light. His thoughts felt rational to him at the time. To everyone else, they looked crazy.

I think people naturally look at someone's history- if they attempt or succeed at suicide and I think they sympathise much more if their life had been very difficult. Still, there will still be some that believe suicide is absolutely forbidden and the result of a distorted mind.

I suspect the majority of people here will think your wishes are rational though because it's likely we all feel the same.

 

[foreverfalling]

Yeah I can relate to a lot of the milestones you have listed. At a young age I had already concluded life was just a grind, and I never had any goals or aspirations, just doing what I was told and expected to. I was still quite young during 9/11, but I sensed something wrong was starting to happen to the world after it. I didn't understand what the 'safety' measures actually achieved, apart from making people 'feel' safer. And the events of the last few years has opened my eyes and gave new understanding to those feelings.

I don't think think it is important to answer whether it is rational, as that just boils down to meaningless debate on where to draw the line and what beliefs one has. The world is an insane asylum, and we have to let them decide what is rational? You've had these feelings for >20 odd years so how impulsive could that be? And looking at it from a similar lens of course I would say it is not compulsive, as I also understand the state of having internalised that life has no meaning or value.

 

[chocolatebar]

Rationality and suicide is an interesting topic, in which most people will discuss without using their rationality, as ironic as it can be.

When specialists discuss whether animals can commit suicide or not, they consider that animals can't do such a thing because the don't have the necessary rationality needed to understand life, their mortality and the causality of certain actions and death. However, when it comes to humans, the "specialists" will say that it's not a rational decision at all, but an emotional one, or, in other words, a product of brain structures we share a good part with other animals. I find it to be a contradiction.

I would go even further and conjecture that emotion is what keeps many of us in here. In many circumstances, a purely rational thinking would lead one into suicide.

Now, about you, I find it hard and unnecessary to make a judgment. You say that you've been suicidal for a long time. Do you have non suicidal time frames? Could an emotional response be sustained for such a long time?

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, it does sound like you have put a lot of thought into your decision. I believe that wanting suicide can be a rational response to not seeing life as being worth living and/or seeing the world for what it really is, such a cruel horrifying place. Suicide doesn't even need a reason at all. I do think that regardless of the circumstances, everyone has the right to exit and it means nothing what other people think. Only the individual knows if suicide is the right thing for themselves and suicide could never be wrong no matter what.

 

[suicidalwillreturn]

At the end of it all, what YOU think is all that matters when it comes to that decision. You wouldn't know what other people's judgement on your action because you're already dead. i just don't want to feel that regret right before my last breath.

 

[TAW122]

Thanks for the responses everyone. It seems like there are quite a mixture of responses, some seem to be agree with my take on it (which is good since that means I'm not the only person who thinks what is best) and some are rather grey about it (meaning they are ambivalent and neither agree nor disagree). Ultimately, it is my decision and I already decided in the future that I will CTB and the main purpose of this thread was just to see if people agreed or disagreed with my take since I am not other person and am only seeing it from my pov.

 

[LittleJem]

I think not enjoying life is enough of a reason

 

[Midnight-rain]

In tune with what Forever Sleep said, I find the concept of rationality funny when applied to suicide. Who's to say that what one says is rational actually is? We are driven by emotions at our core, for better or for worse. We can't live our lives being a hollow shell that doesn't feel anything. The people against us could look at the most planned and well thought-out suicide, and still they'll express sadness and blame it on a mental illness that made them "irrational".

As an antinatalist myself, I too have arrived to the conclusion that suffering is a fundamental part of being alive and is cruel to force anyone to live through it. Life is monotonous. "No one should blame you for waking out early" - Doug Stanhope.

So yes your decision is rational from my viewpoint.