Friend suddenly cut off communication with me, triggering an intense desire to ctb

[per_aspera_ad_astra]

I want to preface this by saying that I realize that this might seem a bit too trivial to trigger suicidal thoughts. To be honest, I consider how easily my suicidal impulses are triggered to be in support of me attempting a ctb. I've been easily set off for my whole life, and I'm getting sick of it.

Towards the last few months of last year, I made a friend that I ended up getting pretty attached to. I don't know if they were as invested in the relationship as I was, but I really valued their company. I knew that the relationship wouldn't be long lasting, as they would be leaving sometime in the summer, but I convinced myself to continue the friendship since I wanted to try building a healthy relationship that would end peacefully with closure. The onset of covid-19 caused us to be separated, and we hadn't exchanged phone numbers or social media, so we had no way of contacting each other. However, a few days ago, while scrolling through social media, I saw their profile and requested to follow them. They accepted almost immediately, and since I knew the chances of seeing them in person were extremely slim, I decided to take the opportunity to say goodbye in the following DM:

"hey, sorry if this seems sudden, but i wanted to say goodbye to you since i didn't take the opportunity when we last talked. i really enjoyed talking with you. i realize that there were a lot of things that could've gone better, like i could've made the effort to talk to you more often instead of hiding, i could've worked on being better at holding conversations, and i could've worked on my tendency to make people uncomfortable unintentionally. i don't know if any of those things bothered you, but for me, it was like a bright light exposing the parts of myself that i need to work on. i think having you as a friend made me more confident when dealing with people. thank you for putting up with me. we're probably never going to see each other again, so i want to say farewell, thank you, and i hope you're able to find your own happiness in your own life"

About six hours after sending the message, I found out that they blocked me. When I think about it rationally, I can see why someone would block someone else after receiving this kind of message. The message itself could provide a lot of closure to the reader to the point where they can't think of anything else to say, and it could also be interpreted as a message suggesting that they don't continue contact since they won't see each other again. But my psychotic depressive tendencies didn't take it that way. When I first found out I was blocked, I immediately assumed that I had done something wrong, like I hurt them with the message or that they thought I was annoying and didn't want be around. I have a history of losing friendships, and since I'm always on the losing side, it's probably the case that I was the one who ruined those relationships. I have trouble interacting with people normally, which makes me feel isolated from others and desperate for human contact. I get so lustful for love and acceptance that I feel like a monster that feeds on the kindness of others-I don't feel love in return, just a hunting instinct to capture and feed on the prey around me. As I said before, I'm not sure if the other person was as invested in the relationship as I was, and it makes me wonder if the warmth and connection I felt were really just me slowly eating the other person alive. When I consider those two fields for why I could've been blocked, I have no way of telling which one is true. Even if I have no way of verifying it, the mere possibility that I could've hurt someone while making deliberate attempts to form a healthy relationship with them is enough to trigger suicidal thoughts. If I can't form a good relationship when I try my best, then why even bother? It seems like all I do is hurt and disappoint people.

If I do try to ctb, I recognize that it would be an impulsive act. Even so, I've had a method stored in my room for a long time for when I felt I was in the right mindset to actually make an attempt. I've always wanted to die by suicide, but I'm scared of regretting it. I don't know if I'm going to go through with it, but I'm considering attempting tonight. Who knows what'll happen.

Anyways, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read about all my bs. I guess I just like the idea of having people who will listen when I cry out.

 

[SleeplessSoul]

I was friends with someone for 5 years. We'd been friends since day one of uni. I visited her one weekend and she suddenly stopped talking to me. A week after that she blocked me on all social media and stopped talking to me completely out of the blue. Since then I've found friends that I'm able to open up to and I can tell are as fully invested the friendship as I am. I think it's hard when friendships end especially out of the blue.

If you are having second thoughts, please don't do it tonight. You should only act if you're completely ready and doing something impulsively is not the way. If you've had it for a while you can wait another day.

It isn't bs. Friendships ending suck. Just remember that you can't change her mind and it doesn't mean that's your (or her) fault.

I'm terrible with people, but you can always PM me

 

[SipSop]

I want to preface this by saying that I realize that this might seem a bit too trivial to trigger suicidal thoughts. To be honest, I consider how easily my suicidal impulses are triggered to be in support of me attempting a ctb. I've been easily set off for my whole life, and I'm getting sick of it.

Towards the last few months of last year, I made a friend that I ended up getting pretty attached to. I don't know if they were as invested in the relationship as I was, but I really valued their company. I knew that the relationship wouldn't be long lasting, as they would be leaving sometime in the summer, but I convinced myself to continue the friendship since I wanted to try building a healthy relationship that would end peacefully with closure. The onset of covid-19 caused us to be separated, and we hadn't exchanged phone numbers or social media, so we had no way of contacting each other. However, a few days ago, while scrolling through social media, I saw their profile and requested to follow them. They accepted almost immediately, and since I knew the chances of seeing them in person were extremely slim, I decided to take the opportunity to say goodbye in the following DM:

"hey, sorry if this seems sudden, but i wanted to say goodbye to you since i didn't take the opportunity when we last talked. i really enjoyed talking with you. i realize that there were a lot of things that could've gone better, like i could've made the effort to talk to you more often instead of hiding, i could've worked on being better at holding conversations, and i could've worked on my tendency to make people uncomfortable unintentionally. i don't know if any of those things bothered you, but for me, it was like a bright light exposing the parts of myself that i need to work on. i think having you as a friend made me more confident when dealing with people. thank you for putting up with me. we're probably never going to see each other again, so i want to say farewell, thank you, and i hope you're able to find your own happiness in your own life"

About six hours after sending the message, I found out that they blocked me. When I think about it rationally, I can see why someone would block someone else after receiving this kind of message. The message itself could provide a lot of closure to the reader to the point where they can't think of anything else to say, and it could also be interpreted as a message suggesting that they don't continue contact since they won't see each other again. But my psychotic depressive tendencies didn't take it that way. When I first found out I was blocked, I immediately assumed that I had done something wrong, like I hurt them with the message or that they thought I was annoying and didn't want be around. I have a history of losing friendships, and since I'm always on the losing side, it's probably the case that I was the one who ruined those relationships. I have trouble interacting with people normally, which makes me feel isolated from others and desperate for human contact. I get so lustful for love and acceptance that I feel like a monster that feeds on the kindness of others-I don't feel love in return, just a hunting instinct to capture and feed on the prey around me. As I said before, I'm not sure if the other person was as invested in the relationship as I was, and it makes me wonder if the warmth and connection I felt were really just me slowly eating the other person alive. When I consider those two fields for why I could've been blocked, I have no way of telling which one is true. Even if I have no way of verifying it, the mere possibility that I could've hurt someone while making deliberate attempts to form a healthy relationship with them is enough to trigger suicidal thoughts. If I can't form a good relationship when I try my best, then why even bother? It seems like all I do is hurt and disappoint people.

If I do try to ctb, I recognize that it would be an impulsive act. Even so, I've had a method stored in my room for a long time for when I felt I was in the right mindset to actually make an attempt. I've always wanted to die by suicide, but I'm scared of regretting it. I don't know if I'm going to go through with it, but I'm considering attempting tonight. Who knows what'll happen.

Anyways, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read about all my bs. I guess I just like the idea of having people who will listen when I cry out.

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, life makes us change ourselves."
A change in your attitude, point of view, I hope will unburden you from the guilt or shame that you feel.

 

[Despondent]

Strangely enough, the same thing along those lines (but differently) happened to me yesterday. I'm really sorry that you've experienced this :( It certainly isn't pleasant. It triggered the impulse for me also, so you're not alone ❤ I've even been craving irrational ctb today

 

[DeathNoot]

I had that with a friend since childhood, didn't even bloc me just started ignoring all my messages while posting on social media like nothing was wrong. It's been a year and I still don't know why. I was suicidal before then, but it was a major turning point for me. I don't think of it as a trivial reason, no matter how long the friendship. I understand, its heartbreaking, and it hammers the nail in deeper. Please don't do anything impulsive, but whatever you decide, know that there is support and love for you here.

 

[Alyatl]

Ah this made me tear up, I'm with you here.

I had a best friend since grade 5, and this year, after idk 10 years or more of friendship, they randomly cut me off without giving me a reason why. It genuinely did break me for a bit, because I had conflicting thoughts of "I didn't do anything wrong" and "I pushed him away".

i have an awful fear of pushing people away and losing friendships, mostly because I do pin the blame on myself and think that I'm not deserving of good and meaningful relationships. It's fucking heartbreaking. But I also understand that people are people and they have their own reasons for shit. We can only try as hard as the other person will permit us — if we pour our hearts out to people how they receive it is up to them.

The end of friendships, especially meaningful ones that you thought were great, is genuinely so shitty and I can't bullshit myself into saying anything but that, because yeah it really does suck. But finding those meaningful friendships with people who are open with me and genuinely care how I feel is kind of what lessens the blow of those randomly lost friendships. I now have friends who want me to be okay, who communicate with me.

Things can get better, and good valuable friendships can arise, and people who see your effort CAN come into your life and cherish you in the way you deserve, but I can't deny I wanted to ctb after my friend cut me out. If you can hold on one more night, please do. If you're having second thoughts, please stay one more night. There are people on here who will help you realize that good friendships do exist, and that you're capable of forming and maintaining them, you deserve it.

Please PM if you need a good chat, I'm so here for you because I know how it feels

 

[SipSop]

Strangely enough, the same thing along those lines (but differently) happened to me yesterday. I'm really sorry that you've experienced this :( It certainly isn't pleasant. It triggered the impulse for me also, so you're not alone ❤ I've even been craving irrational ctb today

Same here 4 days ago.
I was about to do it by hanging.
And it was so easy for me to do it because of that pain. It felt that the only peace of soul I could get was suicide ideation.
But now I am fine somehow.
I didn't do it then.
Perhaps you sholdn't either.
This community helped me.
So I hope now this message will help you.

 

[SleeplessSoul]

I had that with a friend since childhood, didn't even bloc me just started ignoring all my messages while posting on social media like nothing was wrong. It's been a year and I still don't know why. I was suicidal before then, but it was a major turning point for me. I don't think of it as a trivial reason, no matter how long the friendship. I understand, its heartbreaking, and it hammers the nail in deeper. Please don't do anything impulsive, but whatever you decide, know that there is support and love for you here.

Social media makes it worse doesn't it? My friend tweeted about getting toxic people out of her life and then blocked me

I also want to emphasise this bit ' Please don't do anything impulsive, but whatever you decide, know that there is support and love for you here.'

 

[Remember to forget]

It really angers me when people just block friends a don't say why. It's spineless and damn fucking rude. You are better off without people like that. Everyone needs closure otherwise they go over things time and time again, blaming themself.
Just try to emember that most people have had this happen in some way or another and no one is worth you feeling so shitty about yourself.
Big hugs to you all xx

 

[Jean Améry]

I have no intention to judge you and this is obviously nothing more than my own take on things but you did write 'farewell' in your message. That generally signifies an end to a relationship regardless of the cause(s). It might be that he/she thought it was you who wanted to severe the relationship. It's fairly contradictory to say farewell to someone after you've requested to stay in contact with them.

It's clear you experience difficulties expressing yourself to others as you stated yourself (which is understandable and nothing to be ashamed of) but I would avoid sending such mixed signals if you intend to build any sort of relationship with people you think worthwhile. Even a surface reading (without any knowledge of what might have transpired earlier or how you previously interacted) indicates a message meant to tie off a social relationship. That's probably how they took it.

That being said I recognise you did not choose to be in this situation and having lost one important friend I know how painful it can be. Don't feel ashamed to want or need human contact: that is literally a fundamental human need and a deficiency in that area is responsible for a lot of suffering and mental problems.

Perhaps it would be useful to talk to a therapist about this so you can learn about how to better communicate your needs, desires, thoughts and feelings to people. Social behaviour can be learned: I'm living proof of it as I used to be very shy and withdrawn. The more you practice and interact with people the better it goes, generally speaking. Now I function both professionally and socially although I do prefer one on one friendships and don't do very well in groups.

Of course it's up to you and it's quite possible you already went that route but I would try to resolve what might be a fixable problem before opting for the permanent solution of CTB. I'm sure the friend that you lost saw something worthwhile in you so if you learn to communicate better I don't see why you wouldn't be able to have genuine, fulfilling friendships and other relationships.

I'm hesitant to post this as it might come off as condescending but I simply want to help in some way. However small.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You said that when you think about it rationally, the other person's action makes sense.

Well, I'm also thinking about it rationally, and I'm not trying to call you irrational, maybe from my perspective that you're trying to rationalize in their favor why they would block you. That was an extreme and negating response. It says more about them than it does about you. What it says, I don't know, but their action is not yours to own. If you were blockable before, why accept the friend request, only to block you after saying, "Hey, you helped me better myself, and I probably won't see you irl again, but I wish you well"?

You were vulnerable with them, and they shit on it. That's on them. Far better, when you're feeling stronger, to review the friendship and see where there was reciprocal balance, and non-reciprocity. Were there things you were willing to make excuses for when it didn't feel good? Did it feel more draining than fulfilling? Did it make you feel good about yourself, or questioned, or negated? This relationship and how it ended can be a valuable learning experience -- not in how you were wrong or lacking as a person or friend, but in learning how to hone and honor your perceptions.

Maybe instead of responding with self-destruction, just for now, you could try something like printing their photo and putting it on a pillow and beating the fuck out of it, instead rejecting them and pretending to destroy them and their stupid face.