passivethought121
Specialist
- Jun 11, 2023
- 323
Truly don't know how else to tag it. Its not a reason to live until 70. Just wont attempt for a couple years. I will fantasize about it daily, and the thought of waiting pains me, but I've been doing it for almost 7 years now.
In a couple of years, I will be able to buy a gun. I will have the money, since I have a job. And I will have a clean record (if I don't CTB and fail.) And I have an alright idea of my brainstem location. It will be shortly after I graduate. And I have enough privacy and time to shoot myself.
If i am still living with my parents in a coupl of years, it will happen. Not a threat, or desire, but a fact. Living in this household slowly kills me. I shift from persistent depression to an acute major depression. Functionally depressed to nearing a disability. I can't remember for shit and I have no appetite, spending the day shuffling around or staring at nothing. I am ripped to shreds for every thing I do and don't do. I am annoying if I speak and rude if I'm quiet. I'm tired.
For the last week this hope has been working. I think of dying, and I push it off by promising it'll happen. This isn't a new concept, as I have been setting promises and deadlines to die since I was 13, each one lasting the same couple years. Except every time I did nothing, expecting it to just "happen". Now, I have planned for it to happen.
I'm a bit relieved. No more episodes where I rage about not being dead. Because its going to happen. I can see it happen.
In a couple of years, I will be able to buy a gun. I will have the money, since I have a job. And I will have a clean record (if I don't CTB and fail.) And I have an alright idea of my brainstem location. It will be shortly after I graduate. And I have enough privacy and time to shoot myself.
If i am still living with my parents in a coupl of years, it will happen. Not a threat, or desire, but a fact. Living in this household slowly kills me. I shift from persistent depression to an acute major depression. Functionally depressed to nearing a disability. I can't remember for shit and I have no appetite, spending the day shuffling around or staring at nothing. I am ripped to shreds for every thing I do and don't do. I am annoying if I speak and rude if I'm quiet. I'm tired.
For the last week this hope has been working. I think of dying, and I push it off by promising it'll happen. This isn't a new concept, as I have been setting promises and deadlines to die since I was 13, each one lasting the same couple years. Except every time I did nothing, expecting it to just "happen". Now, I have planned for it to happen.
I'm a bit relieved. No more episodes where I rage about not being dead. Because its going to happen. I can see it happen.
