Story former best friend is friends with my sexual assaulter knowingly

[mittymittens]

continuation to last post but i've been feeling pretty suicidal about this even today
my best friend who i liked romantically at some point, someone who may have also liked me romantically, someone who was very very close to me
they always supported me.

when i was at my worst, he wasn't there for me. never asked if i was okay even though i got distant unintentionally, even though he knew i was deeply depressed.
he saw me no longer be a outgoing person, and decided to leave
he decided to leave even though i had no one else.
without a second thought and he knew i had really bad social anxiety
it was so weird because before he decided to leave me he begged me to stay, guilt tripping me saying he was losing everything if i cut him off too.

i went to talk to him again 2 months ago, wanting a new fresh start because i cut him off feeling betrayed but i wanted to forgive him

it went well until i decided to confide in him about a former close friend to the both of us, sexually assaulted me in the summer because i didn't want to lie to him anymore
he gave weird support and said, "(name), confuses me sometimes"
later he tells me he doesn't really want to talk to me, i thought it was fine i guess until now i walk around school and see them together, laughing, in the same friend group, him fully knowing that person sexually assaulted me.

maybe im overreacting i don't know i'm just super depressed about it because this guy was my best friend and i can't wrap my head around why he is doing this— especially to someone who he used to not like (my SA'er despite all three of us being in a trio) maybe someone can give their thoughts/opinions? i really need it

 

[BornHated]

Hi there. I understand this form of loss is really bad, and going off what other members have said before I think it genuinely is best to move on.

He's shown the type of person he is early on. He doesn't want to interact with you, and it seems the rejection is clear.
I assume you don't feel comfortable talking to your parents about this, which makes sense, but I would put S. assault on an absolute "do not interact with this person or anyone who goes with them" list. They will not do you well in the short or long run.

One of the most important things I've learned is that if you can't understand why someone does something, the reason is that they are not like you. That's all the closure you'll need, really. You can twist in your mind a lot to try and learn from things but eventually doing this forever will drive you insane.
I have my own ideas about why certain things may be happening, but I want you to focus on the fact that it might not really improve things for you to do so. It's not good to try and keep up with people who don't care about the harm they've to you.
Give yourself time to grieve, but focus on finding new and better people.

I don't know if it's a school-age mindset thing that may take a while to grow out of, but my life genuinely opened up so much after realizing I could literally go make friendships anywhere, outside of school, and extra easily with the internet to find folks with the same interests. You do not have to limit yourself to school.

My only added suggestion is that if they start to get weird and try to bully after you start avoiding them, definitely tell someone.

 

[mittymittens]

Hi there. I understand this form of loss is really bad, and going off what other members have said before I think it genuinely is best to move on.

He's shown the type of person he is early on. He doesn't want to interact with you, and it seems the rejection is clear.
I assume you don't feel comfortable talking to your parents about this, which makes sense, but I would put S. assault on an absolute "do not interact with this person or anyone who goes with them" list. They will not do you well in the short or long run.

One of the most important things I've learned is that if you can't understand why someone does something, the reason is that they are not like you. That's all the closure you'll need, really. You can twist in your mind a lot to try and learn from things but eventually doing this forever will drive you insane.
I have my own ideas about why certain things may be happening, but I want you to focus on the fact that it might not really improve things for you to do so. It's not good to try and keep up with people who don't care about the harm they've to you.
Give yourself time to grieve, but focus on finding new and better people.

I don't know if it's a school-age mindset thing that may take a while to grow out of, but my life genuinely opened up so much after realizing I could literally go make friendships anywhere, outside of school, and extra easily with the internet to find folks with the same interests. You do not have to limit yourself to school.

My only added suggestion is that if they start to get weird and try to bully after you start avoiding them, definitely tell someone.

thank u ! i know i'll meet people later on it just wrecks my brain cause these were both people i loved. a lot. and everytime i feel like i have moved on, i see them walk together and it breaks my heart again

 

[SexyIncél]

when i was at my worst, he wasn't there for me. never asked if i was okay even though i got distant unintentionally, even though he knew i was deeply depressed.
he saw me no longer be a outgoing person, and decided to leave
he decided to leave even though i had no one else.
without a second thought and he knew i had really bad social anxiety
it was so weird because before he decided to leave me he begged me to stay, guilt tripping me saying he was losing everything if i cut him off too.

Earlier, you also explained "we parted at some point because things got awkward". Hmmm, I'm trying to imagine this? I keep hearing people cite awkwardness as a thing that destroyed friendships, as if it's a force that exists independently of the participants

Awkwardness can be useful — as joke fodder. Puts people at ease, makes awkwardness cool

It may help to understand what friends want — and make sure they regularly get it. Now, the question if whether you enjoy supplying it & how often

it went well until i decided to confide in him about a former close friend to the both of us, sexually assaulted me in the summer because i didn't want to lie to him anymore
he gave weird support and said, "(name), confuses me sometimes"
later he tells me he doesn't really want to talk to me, i thought it was fine i guess until now i walk around school and see them together, laughing, in the same friend group, him fully knowing that person sexually assaulted me.

She probably inoculated him by badmouthing you. He sounds like a pleasure-seeker. So does she. Relationships based on pleasure don't endure well — this has been known for millenia

If you want enduring relationships, it helps to build virtues & find those with compatible virtues. Such people are rare: you build moral virtues through acting morally, and intellectual virtues by teaching. Fortunately, they'll find you rare too

On romantic relationships, here's my personal view, fwiw

It hurts many (not all) people when you lean "too much" on them. Best rotate friends, to keep them healthy. And you never want to be desperate, it'll corrupt you and make you less fun. So get backup friends

Backup friends have some worthwhile effects on the less virtuous:

• you can walk away at any time; so you gain bargaining power
• the halo effect of social approval; many value you by looking at how others value you

 

[mittymittens]

Earlier, you also explained "we parted at some point because things got awkward". Hmmm, I'm trying to imagine this? I keep hearing people cite awkwardness as a thing that destroyed friendships, as if it's a force that exists independently of the participants

Awkwardness can be useful — as joke fodder. Puts people at ease, makes awkwardness cool

It may help to understand what friends want — and make sure they regularly get it. Now, the question if whether you enjoy supplying it & how often


She probably inoculated him by badmouthing you. He sounds like a pleasure-seeker. So does she. Relationships based on pleasure don't endure well — this has been known for millenia

If you want enduring relationships, it helps to build virtues & find those with compatible virtues. Such people are rare: you build moral virtues through acting morally, and intellectual virtues by teaching. Fortunately, they'll find you rare too

On romantic relationships, here's my personal view, fwiw

It hurts many (not all) people when you lean "too much" on them. Best rotate friends, to keep them healthy. And you never want to be desperate, it'll corrupt you and make you less fun. So get backup friends

Backup friends have some worthwhile effects on the less virtuous:

• you can walk away at any time; so you gain bargaining power
• the halo effect of social approval; many value you by looking at how others value you

well basically me, my sA'er (whom was also my best friend at the time) and my old best friend were in a trio.
it was toxic so we decided to split but i remained friends w my old best friend
things got awkward such as we had less things to say to eachother— he wasn't fond of this and i guess got bored of me when i had less things to say when i was super depressed

 

[SexyIncél]

Well, I hope you remember: these are low-quality people. He's a low-quality guy

It may not be obvious, becauase you may remember something cute about him, or how he made you feel, or sympathize with his sadnesses & weaknesses. But there's much hotter humanity out there. If you find them, you'll look back at him and... he won't even rise to the level of a joke. He'll be a dissipating sneeze

 

[mittymittens]

Well, I hope you remember: these are low-quality people. He's a low-quality guy

It may not be obvious, becauase you may remember something cute about him, or how he made you feel, or sympathize with his sadnesses & weaknesses. But there's much hotter humanity out there. If you find them, you'll look back at him and... he won't even rise to the level of a joke. He'll be a dissipating sneeze

but i don't know how long it will be till i find a better person. i mean obviously i have better people in my life but due to my bpd and he was my fp (favorite person), it's gonna be hard to find another