Venting Forcing myself to stay alive

[g&hexmhn]

I know I'm gonna sound incredibly selfish and stuff but I want to ctb so bad it's painful.

My partner lives across the other side of the world and I've been planning on visiting her for a while now. My mom recently found out about my self-harm (She knew about it before, but she thought that I've been sober) therefore she's not sure I can go. The money isn't the problem, its that my mom has to plan the trip, but she can't go to work or do anything because she constantly worries about me. I know I'm technically not under her care anymore cause I'm soon turning 19, but because of my mental health, I've been stuck when it comes to school. I've been held back multiple grades and because I cant take care of myself, I need her help with everything.

I might be visiting my girlfriend this summer break (June - August) but I genuinely can't stay alive that long. I've been surviving all up to Halloween, which is tomorrow, just because I'm planing on having a movie night with them over discord, and that was hard enough despite it only being a month. I can't survive another 10 months but I cant ctb either. I'm scared that my partner will feel betrayed and hurt, and if I do end up failing, my mom definitely wont allow me to go.

I can't survive, I cant ctb, I cant FAIL too ctb and I'm genuinely stuck right now. This is selfish, I know and I'm sorry.

 

[lulumoon]

I don't think you are being selfish. Not at all! It sounds you are being pulled in so many different directions which sounds so hard. Trying to find the best way or most bearable thing is not selfish!

 

[cheese.out]

Nothing about this is selfish - i think its the oppisite. You care so much about your mother and gf that you stay. Ofc its your decision if you want to ctb but I definitely get your point why you feeling stuck. But the fact that you are willing to stay shows how strong you are so please dont blame yourself!

 

[g&hexmhn]

I don't think you are being selfish. Not at all! It sounds you are being pulled in so many different directions which sounds so hard. Trying to find the best way or most bearable thing is not selfish!

This made me feel better, thanks :)

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in, I get that it's dreadful feeling so trapped in this existence when you just wish to be free. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[leavingsoon99]

You're not selfish. It sounds like you are having a huge internal conflict with yourself. I hope you can find peace, clarity, and that you will be gentler with yourself.