Discussion Forcing myself to recover. Feels like Torture

[sanction]

I've been depressed and suicidal for almost 7 years now. The fact that after such long time, I still haven't been able to push myself to take that final step to CTB, I simply can't afford to keep remaining like this anymore. Its not that I don't want to CTB. Its just that it's way too difficult to do. I'm sure many people understand what I mean and can relate

So out of no options, I'm going to have to force myself to recover in 2024. Of course it definitely won't be some 100% recovery, nor will it be anything positive. It is simply because I can't afford to be like this anymore. If for any reason, I end up staying alive for even another 7 years (based on the current past 7 years experience), and I'm still constantly depressed, leading to never making any actual progress with life, I will just end up even way worst by that point. Like 50 times worst

Due to this, I now need to force myself to learn new skills to make money, try to meet new friends, start rebuilding my health, and the list goes on.... a lot of things to catch up on, after being super behind from all these years of depressed and zero motivation

My constant worry is I will end up regretting this "recovery" later, and think to myself why didn't I just CTB instead. Because sometimes its not as simple as "recover". Lets say I do go out there to meet new people, in order to at least have some social circle, otherwise there is really no point to live if I am just going to be alone every single day

And after building up those new relationships, I can't just suddenly disappear and go CTB. It will be very selfish and also extremely awkward / embarrassing. So it seems like it will become more of a trap, to force me to stay alive by that point, even if I don't want to in the end. Its just going to instead trap me and make me feel stuck

Life is such a headache......... can anyone relate to this???? Really hope I can just drop dead in my sleep and never wake up instead. That will be the easiest

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Oh wow, this puts things into perspective and I feel slightly enlightened after reading this. In my case, I don't think I can 100% recover (same as you) due to the fact that my problems is due to life itself and how it's unavoidable that I have to slave away. That being said, I didn't think about it from the perspective that, if I'm unable to ctb, I should try to make the time I have left as painless as possible.

However, like you already said, I wonder if I would also regret not having ctb instead. I mean, I know I will regret that but what's the point when I can't ctb anyway? Also, even with this knowledge, it can still be hell to try and recover because humans like their comfort zones and really dislike change and recovery is one hell of a change. Even with the knowledge of suffering massively short term to suffer less long term, it doesn't help much as people are naturally wired to focus on the short term impact more

Your recovery post is the only one that makes sense to me and I see this as the only reason why I should bother with recovery. Nonetheless, it will be a hard path to trudge through and therefore I wish you the best

 

[kawaiiphantom]

I've been depressed and suicidal for almost 7 years now. The fact that after such long time, I still haven't been able to push myself to take that final step to CTB, I simply can't afford to keep remaining like this anymore. Its not that I don't want to CTB. Its just that it's way too difficult to do. I'm sure many people understand what I mean and can relate

So out of no options, I'm going to have to force myself to recover in 2024. Of course it definitely won't be some 100% recovery, nor will it be anything positive. It is simply because I can't afford to be like this anymore. If for any reason, I end up staying alive for even another 7 years (based on the current past 7 years experience), and I'm still constantly depressed, leading to never making any actual progress with life, I will just end up even way worst by that point. Like 50 times worst

Due to this, I now need to force myself to learn new skills to make money, try to meet new friends, start rebuilding my health, and the list goes on.... a lot of things to catch up on, after being super behind from all these years of depressed and zero motivation

My constant worry is I will end up regretting this "recovery" later, and think to myself why didn't I just CTB instead. Because sometimes its not as simple as "recover". Lets say I do go out there to meet new people, in order to at least have some social circle, otherwise there is really no point to live if I am just going to be alone every single day

And after building up those new relationships, I can't just suddenly disappear and go CTB. It will be very selfish and also extremely awkward / embarrassing. So it seems like it will become more of a trap, to force me to stay alive by that point, even if I don't want to in the end. Its just going to instead trap me and make me feel stuck

Life is such a headache......... can anyone relate to this???? Really hope I can just drop dead in my sleep and never wake up instead. That will be the easiest

Hey even the fact you're trying is already incredible. Being suicidal and depressed for so long, It can be hard to recover from all of the mental pain you've gone through in your life. Life is not easy. It really is a headache :'< i can relate. Taking a step in the right direction is great I believe in you :> people here will have ur back

 

[sanction]

Thanks for the kind words @ijustwishtodie and @kawaiiphantom

Yeah recovery is definitely not the easiest. For people who aren't depressed or suicidal, recovery means improvement and moving forward. But for myself, I instead see it as moving backwards, because will just end up trapping myself longer in this world, to prolong the unnecessary suffering

Life is just so damn complicated eh?? Lol

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Thanks for the kind words @ijustwishtodie and @kawaiiphantom

Yeah recovery is definitely not the easiest. For people who aren't depressed or suicidal, recovery means improvement and moving forward. But for myself, I instead see it as moving backwards, because will just end up trapping myself longer in this world, to prolong the unnecessary suffering

Life is just so damn complicated eh?? Lol

I agree. It's so incredibly painful and difficult. I'm trying to find a motivator rn and it's so hard

 

[sanction]

I agree. It's so incredibly painful and difficult. I'm trying to find a motivator rn and it's so hard

Same here. You're trying to recover too, right?

Every single day I'm trying to find a reason to continue, but can clearly see the negatives outweigh the positives by a lot. Its really a torture

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Same here. You're trying to recover too, right?

Every single day I'm trying to find a reason to continue, but can clearly see the negatives outweigh the positives by a lot. Its really a torture

I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't have the freedom (financial and other freedoms) to actually pursue suicide so I guess I must endure life for now and maybe try to recover.
It's really just so hard to do anything. I'm in college, a big reason for why i am suicidal, and I can't bring myself to care about anything. It is torturous. I just feel like "I give up" all the time, every day.
It's really hard for me to see a reason continuing because all 'recovery' promises me is that I will continue to live life and I will have to endure hardship after hardship, problem after problem, pain after pain. I'd really like to live a life free of any pains whatsoever. That might be an impossibility.

 

[sanction]

I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't have the freedom (financial and other freedoms) to actually pursue suicide so I guess I must endure life for now and maybe try to recover.
It's really just so hard to do anything. I'm in college, a big reason for why i am suicidal, and I can't bring myself to care about anything. It is torturous. I just feel like "I give up" all the time, every day.
It's really hard for me to see a reason continuing because all 'recovery' promises me is that I will continue to live life and I will have to endure hardship after hardship, problem after problem, pain after pain. I'd really like to live a life free of any pains whatsoever. That might be an impossibility.

I definitely agree. Its not that I don't want to live a "normal" or "happy" life. Its just that I truly can't see a point. I feel the future just consist of 90% hardship, and maybe only 10% positive

So whatever is considered positive, simply can't justify the amount of hardship it took to get there. It doesn't balance at all

Majority of our lives is just spent trying to survive. Whether its school, job, commuting, doing chores, running errands, fixing problems, maintaining different things, trying to pivot from different issues, taking care of our health, constantly moving around.... its basically just non-stop work and hassle

All this effort for what?? Just so we can wait for a day off, so we can stare at a screen and watch YouTube? Or go somewhere to eat, or go for a walk at some park, or visit some store/ mall?

And then repeat this same routine over and over, until one day our body finally breaks down, and eventually just die??? Its like.... I just can't see much of a point to it. Not worth all the effort and hassles

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I definitely agree. Its not that I don't want to live a "normal" or "happy" life. Its just that I truly can't see a point. I feel the future just consist of 90% hardship, and maybe only 10% positive

So whatever is considered positive, simply can't justify the amount of hardship it took to get there. It doesn't balance at all

Majority of our lives is just spent trying to survive. Whether its school, job, commuting, doing chores, running errands, fixing problems, maintaining different things, trying to pivot from different issues, taking care of our health, constantly moving around.... its basically just non-stop work and hassle

All this effort for what?? Just so we can wait for a day off, so we can stare at a screen and watch YouTube? Or go somewhere to eat, or go for a walk at some park, or visit some store/ mall?

And then repeat this same routine over and over, until one day our body finally breaks down, and eventually just die??? Its like.... I just can't see much of a point to it. Not worth all the effort and hassles

That's exactly what I'm thinking. All the happy moments in my life were fleeting and I am stuck with a lot of drudgery and hardship thereafter, and I don't even remember a lot of those good moments - I seem to recall the bad moments more easily (this might be the depression talking)
It's still hard to justify the math though, you're right, to me it looks like 90% hardship and maybe 10% good stuff... why even bother at that point?

And the actual rewards of life don't sound good either. So I get a break from work or school... okay, so what? I have to go back to work or school anyway, it goes back to the 90% hardship 10% good stuff thing again.

I fear I might be being too negative for the recovery space but I really can't fathom how to comprehend this any other way.