Story Foraging for Grace

[SpaceForGrace]

45. Mother to two preteen daughters. Wife to a devoted husband. Daughter to aged parents. Because I was able to get a good job, my husband and I decided that he will take care of the house and children - which was wonderful and working great. But even on my parents side, I am Atlas - the sole breadwinner and everyone depends on me. I live in the SEA region - a culture of extended families and with old parents living with their children.

22 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Survived that and went on to create a family and started rebuilding our lives financially ruined by my diagnosis. 10 years at a fairly successful career. Spent the last few years trying to build a decent house and a decent life for my family. This year I was hoping to finish some debts and start saving.

November 2019 I had a hysterectomy due to fibroids. I decided to remove everything because of my medical history. I thought wow, finally I will be free from worrying about a possible related malignancy happening in the future.

Then the leg pain. Started about September 2019. It has been bearable then, but since mid December 2019, I have been unable to weight bear on my affected leg. A leg MRI showed a suspicious mass and a neck ultrasound showed multiple solid thyroid nodules. I am in constant risk of fracture. My voice is constantly hoarse.

Everything has been a blur since. Like I am floating.

But one thing I know for sure. I do not want to be swallowed by the medical system - to be prodded and pocked and managed, and then wait helplessly and anxiously for what's next. My company health card cannot possibly cover everything that they would want to do to me, short of truly healing me.

I would like to end all of this while I still can. A prolonged process would leave me jobless and my family in desolation. I think I have a window of a few months - CTB would leave my family with some insurance, at least while I am still employed.

Since January, I have been living in a haze of fear and anxiety. I cannot sleep and have hardened my heart to all the things that I have lost and stand to lose - from the small moments to the big ones. I shake them off for fear that I will break down. I show a brave face like everything will be ok. It's taking all my strength to do so. I am foraging for Grace, but have braced for none.

I have been planning for the exit that would bring the best benefit to my family. I work from home, so I can make make some preparations. I think I may have a few months to work on this. I really want to CTB by N - anyone willing to share or partner, would appreciate it. I have some funds from my work income and I will try to extend this for as long as I can. If you come here, maybe we can face the end together.

I have ordered SN from two sources - they are on their way, including some meto and domperidone. But I am worried that it might fail - I think I can handle some pain, I have been suffering enough. Please help me with better alternatives if you have, I will save funds for it. N would be perfect.

Since I have discovered this site two days ago, I have been here for almost 80% of my every day. It's my oxygen now.

Thinking of how my loved ones would feel about my condition and my plans devastates me. I do not want to dwell on it because I will lose my courage. I am convinced that CTB is the only way to give them their best chance when I am gone. And to give me control over my remaining days, free of agony and painful waiting for the release.

My life has always been about overcoming challenges and struggles. I thought I had a fighting chance. So I was wrong. All I can ask for now is a sure and soft place to fall. A merciful end please.

I have always lived my life with kindness and compassion and generosity. My heart is full of rage and pain over this. But am reaching out for Grace instead. In any form. In any kind. In any space.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I am here reading and caring. Saw your other thread, I'm a 48-year-old female.

Something I've gotten benefit from here is seeing people ask questions, and the conversations that follow. Not only when it comes to a method, but the practical details like considering a different angle of how someone will be impacted, weighing my tolerance for suffering against the suffering of others, what to say in a message to family or the police or the person who will find me, the best location, etc.

You are so eloquent. I really engaged with your post. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing. It is a benefit of community to support and be supported.

A thought. I'm sure you've considered writing to your loved ones. If I were the child or partner of someone in your exact situation, I would love to receive and keep a letter that told me what you saw in me, what qualities and strengths I displayed, what potential you see in me, how you were positively impacted by my being in your life, and what you would have envisioned for the future if you had not had challenges you do now. (So sorry if this made you cry, or consider things you still need to guard against for a bit.)

 

[LegaliseIt!]

Hi
Welcome! This is a safe and caring community.
You've been through so very much and I am glad that you have shared your poignant story with us.
I'm sending hugs and compassion.

You may feel more at ease after you've looked at these links:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resource-compilation.3/

I was going to share the partners Megathread, but I see that you've already found it.

As far as finding other parents on here, you might want to try the search function to see if there is a "Parent" thread. On my phone, it's the magnifying glass up in the right hand corner of the screen. It's pretty easy to use.

With terminal illnesses, your life insurance is often still good if you use services like Dignity or Pegasos in Switzerland. My mum had legal MAID in Canada, and her insurance was still good. FWIW.

Sorry to babble, and pm if I can help with anything.

Peace,
L.
Female, 56

 

[SpaceForGrace]

I am here reading and caring. Saw your other thread, I'm a 48-year-old female.

Something I've gotten benefit from here is seeing people ask questions, and the conversations that follow. Not only when it comes to a method, but the practical details like considering a different angle of how someone will be impacted, weighing my tolerance for suffering against the suffering of others, what to say in a message to family or the police or the person who will find me, the best location, etc.

You are so eloquent. I really engaged with your post. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing. It is a benefit of community to support and be supported.

A thought. I'm sure you've considered writing to your loved ones. If I were the child or partner of someone in your exact situation, I would love to receive and keep a letter that told me what you saw in me, what qualities and strengths I displayed, what potential you see in me, how you were positively impacted by my being in your life, and what you would have envisioned for the future if you had not had challenges you do now. (So sorry if this made you cry, or consider things you still need to guard against for a bit.)

Hi. Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate them. Yes. The writing, I think, will be most difficult for me. I live in a conservative country and CTB is taboo - my loved ones will be stigmatized, that is why I do not want them to know, if I can. So many burdens to carry....

Hi
Welcome! This is a safe and caring community.
You've been through so very much and I am glad that you have shared your poignant story with us.
I'm sending hugs and compassion.

You may feel more at ease after you've looked at these links:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resource-compilation.3/

I was going to share the partners Megathread, but I see that you've already found it.

As far as finding other parents on here, you might want to try the search function to see if there is a "Parent" thread. On my phone, it's the magnifying glass up in the right hand corner of the screen. It's pretty easy to use.

With terminal illnesses, your life insurance is often still good if you use services like Dignity or Pegasos in Switzerland. My mum had legal MAID in Canada, and her insurance was still good. FWIW.

Sorry to babble, and pm if I can help with anything.

Peace,
L.
Female, 56

Hi L. Thanks for responding. I will make sure to read your links. I wish I can afford going to Switzerland, but I think it is not feasible from a physical and financial perspective at this point. How I wish I can. Truly.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Hi. Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate them. Yes. The writing, I think, will be most difficult for me. I live in a conservative country and CTB is taboo - my loved ones will be stigmatized, that is why I do not want them to know, if I can. So many burdens to carry....

Oh crap.

However...you have cancer. You can write to them as if it were the cancer that is ending your life, and that you are writing while you are still capable. You can date them earlier than now. You can hide the letters so that they are found accidentally, not left out. Anyhow, I'll refrain from saying more. You know your situation and your needs.

When you say your loves ones will be stigmatized, I'm not sure what that would be like because I am not from your culture. In Western countries, it is natural that people will look for someone or something to blame, such as a condition, a relationship ending, or an abusive parent. People in the West like to point a finger. So here, the stigmatism would be against the person they blamed either for doing something, or for not doing enough.

 

[SpaceForGrace]

Oh crap.

However...you have cancer. You can write to them as if it were the cancer that is ending your life, and that you are writing while you are still capable. You can date them earlier than now. You can hide the letters so that they are found accidentally, not left out. Anyhow, I'll refrain from saying more. You know your situation and your needs.

When you say your loves ones will be stigmatized, I'm not sure what that would be like because I am not from your culture. In Western countries, it is natural that people will look for someone or something to blame, such as a condition, a relationship ending, or an abusive parent. People in the West like to point a finger. So here, the stigmatism would be against the person they blamed either for doing something, or for not doing enough.

Everyone's response and outreach give me comfort. Thank you.

As to the stigma - Catholic country - Mama in hell. Mama coward or did not love them enough to stay for as long as she could. If they only knew... So many cruel words...

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

You seem very brave and selfless .
I hope you get through this as best as possible.
You are in my thoughts .

As regards your kids , they will understand down the track I think .

I'm glad you have found somewhere to vent and unload .

I live in such a different world , that I feel foolish commenting , but I admire your courage and I
hope we can be around for you in ways we are able to .

 

[SpaceForGrace]

You seem very brave and selfless .
I hope you get through this as best as possible.
You are in my thoughts .

As regards your kids , they will understand down the track I think .

I'm glad you have found somewhere to vent and unload .

I live in such a different world , that I feel foolish commenting , but I admire your courage and I
hope we can be around for you in ways we are able to .

Thank you. I am grateful and comforted by the time you took to read my lengthy post.