Discussion For those who are lonely, do you try to meet people?

[Forever Sleep]

I have to begin by saying I am alone maybe 97% + of the time but, I'm lucky, in that I don't feel lonely often.

For members that are lonely though, I'm just curious really. Do you actively try to meet other people? Join clubs, sports or social groups etc?

I can completely understand the social anxiety side to it. That you can be socially anxious and still lonely. But, if you really think it would help to be around others, would you consider trying to tackle the social anxiety? I suppose I can't really talk though because- my job meant a lot to me and, I wasn't prepared to properly tackle my fears in order to progress in it. I guess money is an issue too. So many clubs etc. cost a lot.

Is it the fear of negative reinforcement or, rejection? That you've maybe had bad experiences in the past and, you fear a repeat of them? That certainly put me off. Is it just feeling like you can't connect with people?

I'm just curious really. There are so many posts by people who feel lonely. I suppose I just wonder if there are solutions.

For me also- with my own anxieties, I knew pretty much positively that new social interactions would be uncomfortable- they always were. So- I simply got to a stage where I wasn't willing to put myself through them. Then, I realised I was very comfortable alone anyway so- what would even push me to put myself through that?

I'm curious about people who are truly pained by their loneliness though- isn't it enough to push you to risk meeting people? Not meaning to victim blame here. I'm just curious of people's own experiences.

 

[DivineSpark]

There is place called Vilho in my city, where I can go and socialize with people, face to face, play board games, billiard, bowling and other activities together. Our city also offers free gym for mental health patients, gym, sauna, indoor swimming pool and such.

 

[Forever Sleep]

There is place called Vilho in my city, where I can go and socialize with people, face to face, play board games, billiard, bowling and other activities together. Our city also offers free gym for mental health patients, gym, sauna, indoor swimming pool and such.

That sounds awesome. That's what communities should be doing. Has it helped you do you think?

 

[DivineSpark]

That sounds awesome. That's what communities should be doing. Has it helped you do you think?

Great help. I need those activities in my life. Otherwise I would spend all my time on the internet front of my computer. Mental healthcare is taken seriously in my country (at least in my city)

 

[GlassMoon]

The contact to most friends was reduced during Corona times and has not recovered. Many also have other things to do - families, children and new neighbors. I'm somehow the odd one with the lowest number of interactions with them.

I tried to use the meet5 app to find new people, but so far without success. Went to two events, but most other users are at least 15 years older than me and I did not establish a connection to them. I'm keeping an eye open for interesting events. I considered starting my own event but then I don't want to be stuck there with people who are a lot older than me.

 

[foreverfalling]

Losing all hope was freedom.

I've always been lonely, it's not a state I'd prefer to be in. I imagine having friends I can trust and do things with would be nice. Some people I can rely on and who can also count on me. I spent years trying different things to meet new people in hopes of achieving that. It wasn't easy due to social anxiety and fear of trying new things.

I remember signing up for a 5km run, maybe I would have someone to talk to there. I wasn't even good at running, I walked most of it. At the finish line I realised nothing was going to happen. I looked around one last time hoping something would happen. There was a girl panting that also just finished. Do I go up and talk to this person or would that be awkward?

I tried going online looking for friends. I'd spend time writing thoughtful messages to people and keep a conversation going. The conversations all inevitably died off and we'd stop message after a while. It was always the same thing, talk about hobbies and the news, and then it would be hard to find things to talk about, like what was the point of just ping ponging messages?

I think I slowly realised meeting new people just isn't for me. I don't want to be lonely, but meeting people wasn't working and is just too much effort. Not worrying about trying to meet new people made my life more peaceful. Instead of the hope that I will have some 'normal' life with a bunch of friends and worrying and stressing that it won't happen, I accept that I will probably be alone the rest of my life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

The contact to most friends was reduced during Corona times and has not recovered. Many also have other things to do - families, children and new neighbors. I'm somehow the odd one with the lowest number of interactions with them.

I tried to use the meet5 app to find new people, but so far without success. Went to two events, but most other users are at least 15 years older than me and I did not establish a connection to them. I'm keeping an eye open for interesting events. I considered starting my own event but then I don't want to be stuck there with people who are a lot older than me.

That's so true. I think covid did a number on a lot of us. I admire you for trying to meet people though. I'm sorry it hasn't quite worked out yet. Yeah, I think being similar ages helps. The whole peer support thing.

Losing all hope was freedom.

I've always been lonely, it's not a state I'd prefer to be in. I imagine having friends I can trust and do things with would be nice. Some people I can rely on and who can also count on me. I spent years trying different things to meet new people in hopes of achieving that. It wasn't easy due to social anxiety and fear of trying new things.

I remember signing up for a 5km run, maybe I would have someone to talk to there. I wasn't even good at running, I walked most of it. At the finish line I realised nothing was going to happen. I looked around one last time hoping something would happen. There was a girl panting that also just finished. Do I go up and talk to this person or would that be awkward?

I tried going online looking for friends. I'd spend time writing thoughtful messages to people and keep a conversation going. The conversations all inevitably died off and we'd stop message after a while. It was always the same thing, talk about hobbies and the news, and then it would be hard to find things to talk about, like what was the point of just ping ponging messages?

I think I slowly realised meeting new people just isn't for me. I don't want to be lonely, but meeting people wasn't working and is just too much effort. Not worrying about trying to meet new people made my life more peaceful. Instead of the hope that I will have some 'normal' life with a bunch of friends and worrying and stressing that it won't happen, I accept that I will probably be alone the rest of my life.

The 5k run story was adorable. That really is commitment. I thought about joining a ramblers club once. That's more my pace! I did go on a guided walk once in The Lake District (UK.) That was nice. You did actually find a fair bit about one another during the day. I reckon regularly, that could be nice.

I agree though, it's hard to keep frienships up. Especially as we get older and people start having their own families.

 

[Griever]

I don't even try to meet new people because it's better for me and everyone else if I stay alone in my own world

 

[Pluto]

 

[=^ه`ه^=]

I have to begin by saying I am alone maybe 97% + of the time but, I'm lucky, in that I don't feel lonely often.

For members that are lonely though, I'm just curious really. Do you actively try to meet other people? Join clubs, sports or social groups etc?

I can completely understand the social anxiety side to it. That you can be socially anxious and still lonely. But, if you really think it would help to be around others, would you consider trying to tackle the social anxiety? I suppose I can't really talk though because- my job meant a lot to me and, I wasn't prepared to properly tackle my fears in order to progress in it. I guess money is an issue too. So many clubs etc. cost a lot.

Is it the fear of negative reinforcement or, rejection? That you've maybe had bad experiences in the past and, you fear a repeat of them? That certainly put me off. Is it just feeling like you can't connect with people?

I'm just curious really. There are so many posts by people who feel lonely. I suppose I just wonder if there are solutions.

For me also- with my own anxieties, I knew pretty much positively that new social interactions would be uncomfortable- they always were. So- I simply got to a stage where I wasn't willing to put myself through them. Then, I realised I was very comfortable alone anyway so- what would even push me to put myself through that?

I'm curious about people who are truly pained by their loneliness though- isn't it enough to push you to risk meeting people? Not meaning to victim blame here. I'm just curious of people's own experiences.

Sometimes i enjoy solitude rather than suffering from loneliness, although sometimes it hits
one reason i stay away from people is having the ideation so i avoid contacting new people to not hurt them when i leave any moment.
Another reason disinterest and lack of connection? I feel lonely even when im with freinds and have to keep an act up. As for the the people im interested in or feel a connection with i feel like they deserve someone better than me

For the most part if i keep myself busy enough im more than fine with being alone

 

[KillingPain267]

No, people have me.

 

[darksouls]

I dont actively try to meet people in real life
because my fear of disappointment is too strong

 

[ForsakenEcho]

I don't feel as lonely all the time anymore.

During the pandemic, I spent a few years pretty isolated. I had just moved to a new city a few months before everything shut down, which didn't help much. I wasn't able to interact with old friends or make new ones.

Even after things went back to normal, I spent a while wondering if I even wanted to go out and try connecting with people again.

But eventually, I met a few people online through a shared hobby, and that really helped. It opened the door to making new friends around here too.

 

[bankai]

I'm pretty careful who I let into my life. I'm pretty suspicious of most. I used to be the opposite but after repeated difficult relationships I have just given up.

 

[PrettyWhiteFlower]

I got sick physically about 8 years ago which has kept me mostly housebound. Turns out people don't want to be friends with you when they have nothing to gain from it. No loss though as they were bad friends anyway. I've tried apps but they are just full of desperate men looking for sex so I've given up.

 

[Dejected 55]

I'm not a club-joiner. The only reason I would have to join any club would be to meet someone, which means I would be doing something I don't want to do somewhere I didn't want to be just to meet someone. There isn't much point in that.

The only people I ever meet are people who are at where I'm going anyway... so that was school when I was young, work when I was employed, and stores or places of business where I have to go for errands.

These days, I'm not trying to meet anyone, though. I'm trying to keep my head down until I get back to the house.

 

[limpimitation]

I'm not a club-joiner. The only reason I would have to join any club would be to meet someone, which means I would be doing something I don't want to do somewhere I didn't want to be just to meet someone. There isn't much point in that.

The only people I ever meet are people who are at where I'm going anyway... so that was school when I was young, work when I was employed, and stores or places of business where I have to go for errands.

These days, I'm not trying to meet anyone, though. I'm trying to keep my head down until I get back to the house.

Exactly the same way I feel. It's just easier to do my own thing and pretend I'm invisible.

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

Sometimes. But it always fails.

 

[ireallylikedyou]

Yes, but it feels like I'm the only one putting effort into any relationships anymore.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I moved away from the city to a rural area and then became sick and mostly housebound. My friends slowly stopped contacting me. I can't socialize and meet new people irl. It's been tough to deal with mentally. I think everyone gets bored with me eventually. I don't have much going on.

 

[Rynalia]

Nope. I isolate by choice now.

Not because I want to, but because it is by far the healthiest option I have.

Last thing I want is to have fake hope, get attached to someone, not be their first choice, and then start seeing them in a different light unconsciously even though they haven't done a single bad thing to me at all. Then have all those poisonous thoughts about them flip around and aimed directly at me (by none other than myself) into more reasons to seemingly detest myself.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Why would I need real people when I have my lovely puppets inside my head? Right? ...right?

 

[Hymn223]

i don't have many interests off the computer that i could pursue in a club, but i've been considering joining a target shooting club lately. i'm scared it won't work out though, and it costs a lot of money

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Whenever I try to meet people I end up even more lonely.

 

[Rynalia]

Why would I need real people when I have my lovely puppets inside my head? Right? ...right?

Absolutely. That's why when I go to a diner alone I ask for a booth, because the inside of my head is a party.

 

[FoxSauce]

Yes I do try more online than anything.

As for real contact is more difficult for me cuz im moslty socially awkward.

But I try pushing myself despite that. Mostly I try to people come to me first. I'm awful at trying to meet new people makes me hella anxious.

 

[jatty]

I have been getting more friends recently. I've been getting less scared, and I'm not totally sure why. But my social anxiety and simply not knowing how to socialize (and the pecking order) really put me off for many years.
And no, I didn't "fix" my anxiety and then get friends. Friends came to me out of kindness, and I got better. I think it goes around like that a lot. But no one sees that.

But even with my new friends its really, really hard. We come from such different backgrounds. It honestly puts a pit in my stomach further, then I get scared they are going to leave me. But I've been trying.

I want people like me. I guess that's why I like this site so much.. It feels safe and stable I guess. I wish there was an active chat outside of this forum just for socializing about our backgrounds.

 

[Dejected 55]

Exactly the same way I feel. It's just easier to do my own thing and pretend I'm invisible.

It's not so much that it is easier... I mean, it sort of is in the sense that if I don't try then I don't get disappointed again. But when I get back home alone any "easy" I saved while I was out comes back at me in waves. I think the only way I could survive (not at all thrive) being lonely forever would be to win the lottery so I could afford to fully isolate myself as a hermit and barely interact with anyone ever again. But that's not likely.