problem is not dying . but having lived an empty life, threw multiple attempts and had hoped to the last minute,. Well i gave so many tries and the anxiety and fear of "eventually" some variables becoming too much of a hassle and there's no point in "carrying on" going where to? starting what? doesn't seem im playing around anymore, i mean, i must go all the all through, hours are becoming days which turned weeks. on an already losing struggle, one has to stop lying to himself and take full accountability of what can be taken. Wish i had made better choices, wished so many things. above most a normal regular boring life with a family and a dull routine.. Well guess what? i really messed up, more than twice. It doesn't matter if people change your diagnoses DSM IV / CID 10 . i've gave more money my entire life to pharmaceutical companies rather than buying booze or "not very legal" drugs. anyway now they think only because your brain is melted you can't think anymore.. then suggest stupid things as "psychotheraphy" anyway you know inside out gestalt, regular psycho-analysis. Some "professionals" say "they aren't qualified or don't know any "experts" who would deal with the issue properly. and shrinks? hell they're the well-dressed drug sales pusher, literally, pharm consultants go to psychiatric practices here and spend like 2 hours with small talk and salesman persuasive communication like, to convince some doctors into pushing their labs drugs (their market versions) and a lot of them are experimental.. so doctors get a % for each prescription.. sad isnt ? they create the problem at first giving drugs to kids and saying is ADD, calling you weird, then life comes you try getting married leaving home at 20 years old, to get into a lot of trouble later, becoming socially inapt. receiving goverment support, its humiliating but so is having nothing to eat and not caring about, just getting sicker and tired... like this text block. i failed so miserably that not even death wanted me, as if, when it wants someone, that someone will never see it coming. but waking up 1month later in ICU is traumatizing. there's not enough research here let alone people who speak english who could study before displaying worthless certificate frames with pictures "over the world" kind of thing.. nowadays shrinks don't even have the pile of books to pretend sometimes they read the pharmacoepeia or check for possible interactions ... anyway, 10 hours ago i was feeling like "ok its over , all will be over soon" now weakness is starting to set in. i have an appointment with the goverment lady who oversees abandoned people, elder, homelesses or people in extreme poverty.. man, THIS is not what "starting life over" looks like.... WHY has "life given me a chance" and brought me back some years ago just to live through the worse nightmares (literally) i have seen enough. don't want it anymore, also wanna return back thinking like a skeptic,, IF THERE IS something after death, i really hope its like the comatose trip. not a hellish punishment for eternity for having had enough of an "earthly nightmare", being born strictly to suffer.
"- So you are not christian? - "No, even though after i've witnessed and lived through bizarre unexplained set of coincidences (which i foolishly thought it was under control) anyway sometimes its better to stay curious and skeptical. Connect yourself to the Deep Web and the Deep Web connects to you, pretty much like the saying "stare at the abyss for too long and it stares back at you"
Why must one suffer and be denied the right to put himself out of his misery? why is it a crime? why does it involve a certain doomed punishment destiny? I DID NOT WANT those american medical students taking notes of the so-called "alien bacteria" and the morbid anti-biotic hospital machine that was hooked to me.. 9 tubes, nurses would come and administer injections like i dunno if they were serving beer mugs from several taps.. it was scary as hell, i mean, it was scary as it was.. you want to get out of there but after that life is not the same then later you miss the beeping machines, the care of the nurses, you can't tie your own shoes by yourself anymore can't mantain a house, looks like a crackden, but how on earth could lethargy by itself create so much trash and "untidyness"? - Why must we "give life a chance", "submit to religions", "give faith" a chance.. and only evil stuff happens (it can always be worse i know) Why can't we , feel some encouragement , even though i'l admit its a bit gloomy, but life ain't all sunshine and cupcakes. see these normal people they get by they are "happy" have kids are married, didn't sank their carreers didn't get cheated by wives or husbands, who searched your name on the obituary the first 2 days then later , im not even gonna say. .. but has life given me a choice? plenty i think , guess i must have been so depressed since i was a baby then i unfortunately made all the wrong choices, how bad... Why do i worry about going to the govt lady and make it clear state my intent. that there is no law that covers it and i am in control of my mental faculties although severely impacted by depression lack of neurotransmitters or whatever... don't blame all these alcohol bottles thats just my laziness... don't blame the mess. thats why i'm going to have to be sober not even the meds. (why do i even care? coroners will be more concerned about whats for lunch when stitching me up) and why does that even bother me ? So it sure looks like i want desperately to "give life another chance".. As if i had a "chance"
I'm not here to spread positivity, or to hope
I'm here to admit I am scared, and still in pain
I'm here to just live day by day meeting myself where I am at
But I don't want a meaning, I do not want hope, in case the end is peril
I'm here to remember I wanted to ctb for the wrong reasons, and I just want to live as it happens, so I'm not disappointed
Idk the future
I don't need to
Wish i could have lived like that, worrying too much for the future and feeling deeply disturbed by the past makes the "present" pretty much a cycle of unfortunates no one can avoid. Congrats for having a strong mindset
