Resource For those on the fence between living or ctbing

[TAW122]

Here is a little technique and/or strategy (w/e you want to call it) that I used for deciding whether I am going to CTB or continue living. There are often many times in life where I find myself stuck in limbo between determining whether I will get busy preparing to CTB or get busy rebuilding in life going towards the road of recovery. My technique is simply just telling myself 'It's ok, I will do my best and play all the right cards, make the best choices that I can, and if I fail, then I can always just kill myself later on.' By allowing myself permission and the liberty of death, it is like a big burden being lifted off of me and a huge short-term confidence boost. It allows me to do the best because I know I always have a way out. This is further reinforced and strengthened by the fact I actually have a method to follow through with CTB'ing (firearm).

Therefore, my most recent example is back over a month when I was travelling, I told myself, "if things goes well, I'll live, but if things go to shit, I'll just kill myself later on, in May 2019". Luckily, since things went very well, I've went on the path of recovery and went from being actively suicidal to just passively suicidal. Finally, I disagree with people who say that if someone thinks about suicide, then they won't give their best efforts and would just be demotivated. (Might be true for some people, but not all). That's a myth and it's far from the truth, if anything, I feel enlightened, confident (even if temporary), and motivated to just give everything I have since I know that I have a way out, so the worst case (which is the best case actually) is free from this shitty existence while the best case is having renewed tolerance and ambition to live a bit longer.

Hopefully, this will help some of you on the edge or fence between living or ctbing, or maybe even give you the strength to go towards recovery.

 

[Santiago]

Those who aren't sure shouldn't CTB. Period.

 

[TAW122]

Those who aren't sure shouldn't CTB. Period.

Yes, that part is true. However, if they are deciding whether to go onto CTB or attempt to recover and are really in between the two, then they could use something (doesn't always have to be a catalyst) to help them decide on one of the two choices. For me, it was more about that I've decided that if I failed to achieve my objective, then I die, but if I succeeded in getting my objective, then I'll live longer and work on recovery in life.

 

[Oppenheimer]

That´s actually a great advice you gave me my friend. I´m usually stuck on my comfort zone for fear of failure, if I put Success on one side and CTB on the other it sounds really liberating. Thanks.

 

[TheFinalCountdown]

I've been living with that "I can always kill myself if things go wrong" mentality for most of my life. It's caused me to do a lot of reckless things that I now regret. Besides there's a huge difference between suicide as a backup plan and actively choosing to commit suicide. Suicide is a lot less reassuring when you're staring it in the face

 

[JadedGray]

I've been living with that "I can always kill myself if things go wrong" mentality for most of my life. It's caused me to do a lot of reckless things that I now regret. Besides there's a huge difference between suicide as a backup plan and actively choosing to commit suicide. Suicide is a lot less reassuring when you're staring it in the face

I can relate, unfortunately. I've been on a one way ticket to complete self-destruction since my pre-teens because all I could think about was how I was going to CTB anyways. I've destroyed what little health I had left and what few friendships I could have had. I've messed my life up beyond repair, to the point where suicide really is the only option. I am at the point now where I will never be able to function in this world and my only future will be languishing in an institution until a natural end, which for me is a fate worse than death. I guess it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[JWL]

Those who aren't sure shouldn't CTB. Period.

What about being sure, but wishing you didn't have to if circumstances didn't dictate ctb as only option?

 

[TAW122]

What about being sure, but wishing you didn't have to if circumstances didn't dictate ctb as only option?

This is the situation in which I was referring to, and in fact, I guess I do fit that. In early March 2019, before I went traveling, I actually was sure that I would CTB if things didn't work out or things went to shit. I told myself "if things gone to shit, then I'll CTB near end of May 2019, but if things went well or at least as expected, then I'll live." After allowing myself that liberty, I actually felt 'freer' because the worst case is that I die in a few months, while the best case is that I live a bit longer with a better quality of life (still miserable, but not to the point of actively wanting to CTB).