Thanks for this. Very thorough. My early college career was pretty similar to yours- living in a toxic family environment and struggling at a 2 year school. I went to real college a year ago when I was about to turn 21 and I already felt like it was too late to have a proper college experience. If you don't mind sharing, how did you make friends in college despite being both autistic and older than most of the other students? I'm both of those things and I haven't even tried to talk to anyone at this school because I feel so out of place. Also, from 22-27, did you still feel bad about how behind you were when you were 21?
Some of meeting people was luck and being in the right place a the right time. A girl at the transfer orientation turned around during a presentation and asked if I and the transfers next to me wanted to come to a pasta party at her place with a bunch of other transfers. That got me pulled into a group of transfers that ranged in age from 18 to 23. I remained friends with many of them for the remainder of my time at the college. However, this may of been luck, but this wouldn't of happened had I not taken the risk of going to the transfer social events or talking to people around me. It was nerve-wracking, I'm saying this as a hardcore introvert with social anxiety. But if you don't take risks and put yourself out there, nothing is going to change or get better.
I spent a lot of time learning about how humans socialize. Not remotely an expert. The best way to make conversation is to talk about shared experiences, starting with small talk, then asking someone questions about themselves, then asking follow-up questions. Need to learn how to do this without interrogating people. Lot of good resources on youtube. Ex. When we were standing in line for something at a transfer event, I would just ask someone why the transferred to this college. Shared experience of transferring. People love talking about themselves. They would often mention their major as part of the first question. Follow-up question right there. "Oh wow, nursing sounds like such a great field to get into! How long have you wanted to be a nurse?" All that conversation led me to have acquaintances and eventually led to that pasta party. The girl likely wouldn't of turned around to invite me and my acquaintances had we all just been sitting there not speaking.
Too many autistic people try to look at conversation as a list of steps based on the info they find online. That's when it turns into an interrogation. Use info you find as a framework, a general guide.
As for the group I was one of two people that were 23. Honestly, it can be very hard to differentiate people during the ages of 18-25. Even when I turned 25 people guessed my age as 21. I don't look overly young or anything. At that age, as long as you are youngish, most people view you as part of the same social group as opposed to the "real adults". I didn't feel bad about being behind. I felt like I belonged with people.
The second way I made friends was through activities. I joined a lot of groups, but the most successful was my school newspaper. I was the only one who really put in a lot of effort in my department (a lot is a stretch, I was the only one who really put in effort at all), so I eventually became the manager. This gave me a role to play and a purpose. I was able to recruit people from my classes to help out with the IT department, and these people often became my friends. One was a very cute girl who started to like me, despite being an average-looking, very awkward autistic dude, simply because "she thought I worked so hard." Things eventually leaned romantic, though I stopped it before it went so far.
Again, the trend is taking a risk and putting yourself in a situation where something can change. If you do nothing, nothing will change.
If you are looking for resources that helped me, especially as a depressed person with limited social skills, I would suggest Kain Ramsay, who you can find on Udemy. I think 99% of self-help people are frauds or completely unhelpful. Kain is, imo, amazing. He's been through some crazy shit, from depression and suicidality to being completely lost and homeless. He's a very genuine dude. The courses look expensive, but udemy constantly has steep sales. Kain's courses on confidence and communication skills (second page) were seriously transformational for me. Again, not trying to sell you anything and I'm not getting any kickbacks. They just seriously helped me with all the good stuff that happened from 22-27. Pretty much every other self-help person I've bought stuff for has been a joke.
