For people who attempted ctb outside - how did you feel?

[moonlightbeach]

For this post let's say an attempt is a deliberate action to ctb, like you went out of your way to go do it. I'm thinking forest, bridge, cliff, building, road, train tracks, anything else that comes up in mind. This is for people that attempted and failed, or their SI got in their way, or they made a different decision but anyone else is also welcome to share their observations.

What WAS it like being there, what did you feel in the moment?

In my case it was a failed attempt. I chose train as my method, researched everything about it, 6 months later went on to do it. Had to walk 30 minutes to the level crossing. Everything about the walk was incredible - world seemed dreamy, lights were were soothing, everything was so peaceful. Right before I would run to the level crossing I put my up note, started running, dropped the personal belongings and jumped, quick and easy, to my surprise I didn't feel anxious or nervous at all. I would say it was the happiest I ever felt, besides gender euphoria. Same happened on my scouting for a spot later when i figured that the spot would be so quick and easy and there was no SI or anything. I'm sure there's lots of factors to this.

 

[Crow_88]

I tried to hang myself outside. I was in a field and had the rope hanging off a tree.

 

[fromange]

I tried to hang myself outside. I was in a field and had the rope hanging off a tree.

Full suspension? Do you know why you failed? I'm thinking of this

 

[Crow_88]

Full suspension? Do you know why you failed? I'm thinking of this

Yeah, full. The chair I had used to get up to the rope hadn't been kicked away far enough. My SI took over and I reached back for it and was able to step back onto it. I wouldn't suggest it. It was pretty painful when I was just hanging there for a few seconds.

 

[fromange]

Yeah, full. The chair I had used to get up to the rope hadn't been kicked away far enough. My SI took over and I reached back for it and was able to step back onto it. I wouldn't suggest it. It was pretty painful when I was just hanging there for a few seconds.

Hm really. I was pretty convinced of fsh. What are you thinking of now?

 

[khairan]

It is my goal to try partial suspension put in the wilderness, maybe a day or two hike away to guarantee no 'good Samaritan ' encounter.

I'm also thinking to soak myself while weather is cold and drink some serious alcohol. If for whatever reason hanging fails then hypothermia and exposure should get it done.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Yeah, full. The chair I had used to get up to the rope hadn't been kicked away far enough. My SI took over and I reached back for it and was able to step back onto it. I wouldn't suggest it. It was pretty painful when I was just hanging there for a few seconds.

did it felt like as if the rope would be some sort of sharp knife which wants to cut off your head or would you say it is "bearable" pain than one can go through for 10-20 sec if someone 100% wanna die?

 

[Crow_88]

Hm really. I was pretty convinced of fsh. What are you thinking of now?

That really put me off. It just hurt so much. Honestly, I'm hoping to die in my sleep. But we all know how ridiculous that is. I wish I was in the USA so a gun was easy to get.

did it felt like as if the rope would be some sort of sharp knife which wants to cut off your head or would you say it is "bearable" pain than one can go through for 10-20 sec if someone 100% wanna die?

It will definitely kill you. It was just the feeling of being suffocated which was absolutely terrible. I went to take a breath and just couldn't. One of the most painful feelings i've ever had. I suspect people that hang themselves in full suspension go through extreme pain before dying. I know of two people who have done it and I feel for them. Their last minutes must be absolutely agonizing. The few seconds I was hanging were terrible and I still have problems swallowing.

 

[fromange]

What I'm most worried about is failing with brain damage. Unless you jump, shouldn't break my neck right? My rope is strong but a little thin and it hurt when I partial for a few seconds just now. Maybe towel for padding will help. But suffocating is inevitable. It's less than 30 seconds though. And you can't go back. It's much like pulling the trigger, except the bullet going through your head is shoe motion. Is that good analogy?

 

[schatzbunny]

it was right after my breakup and i was at this balcony, pretty high up and i looked down and thought i wanted myself to be lifeless on the ground. i was not even drunk or anything i was completely sober but the emotions were so high and it was pretty cold outside, the cold can be numbing. i was about to jump and just before i did i realised that holy fuck i would actually do this rn, and that would be it. decided that i wont leave this world abruptly because i want to leave an explanation and want people who pushed me to this to know. so yea ever since i've just been planning and im stuck because of overthinking what to leave behind :(

 

[VoidButterfly]

I've actually attempted outside 2 and a half times. I always tell myself I won't do that but I end up doing it.

The first time I was on a bench by a field, and yeah I didn't feel any SI. I was a little sad actually, but it was a very pretty early morning, I'd been awake all night. It was an overdose attempt, a lot of pills. As I was taking them this elderly couple walked by, they didn't acknowledge me at all. I took everything I had, which included a bunch of sleeping pills so things get very blurry at a point. I don't remember losing consciousness, but I eventually woke up further in the field. Hurt a lot, and my tongue dissolved down the middle, I was very yellow, and I just went home and laid in bed and hoped to die.

The other time is when I went over a cliff. That was a beautiful day, it felt like being in a dream. I'd been up there practicing for months, quite often sitting with my legs dangling over the edge, or practicing running up as close as I dared to in the night. That day though felt different, I knew I was going to do it. Eventually I decided I'd climb down the cliff and if I fell and died then that was the whole point and if I somehow succeeded then it'd be a cool story. I did not make it far at all before the rock I was gripping crumbled in my hand and I fell. It was exciting, I wasn't scared at all, I felt very alive for a moment. The cliff, it turns out, protruded more than I anticipated from looking at the top, and I hit ground and then slid over rocks for a while until I was caught just before another big drop. I wasn't convinced the drop would kill me so I had to call the coastguard to come rescue me since I was about half way down and the rocks holding me were clearly giving way over time. After being rescued they told me that they had to take me to hospital, I begged not to be (I was pretty cut up but otherwise in tact) and they eventually agreed and drove me home.

The "and a half" time of my two and a half attempts outside, I hadn't slept for days and I went to a bench at night and just watched the sea. It was really nice just sitting there taking pills without any real care or rush. After some time I must have fell asleep though because the next thing I remember is a passer by poked me with a stick (for some reason?) and I woke up and went home. I hadn't taken nearly enough to cause any real harm by the time I fell asleep.

 

[moonlightbeach]

it was right after my breakup and i was at this balcony, pretty high up and i looked down and thought i wanted myself to be lifeless on the ground. i was not even drunk or anything i was completely sober but the emotions were so high and it was pretty cold outside, the cold can be numbing. i was about to jump and just before i did i realised that holy fuck i would actually do this rn, and that would be it. decided that i wont leave this world abruptly because i want to leave an explanation and want people who pushed me to this to know. so yea ever since i've just been planning and im stuck because of overthinking what to leave behind :(

Thank you for sharing, that sounds very chilling and I can imagine the feelings and acute suicidality rushing through your brain right after a breakup with someone you loved so much and especially when it's cold it feels like you could just freeze in place and get numb. it's totally normal to be shocked about the idea of suicide, hesitate or regret it. it comes at a bad part of life. and with that being recent, that must still be bothering you a lot daily. in my mind i imagined those post-soviet buildings when you said balcony pretty high-up and it made it even more daunting.

I've actually attempted outside 2 and a half times. I always tell myself I won't do that but I end up doing it.

Yeah right? I would feel bad for attempting at a hotel or at my home or something, cause they would find the body and I don't want that to happen or someone to interrupt.. I remember right before jumping at the train there was a stranger passing by and it was pretty close to a small village so maybe just an evening stroll. I remember thinking "SHIT I'M SORRY". They must've been the one to call the emergency services too.

The first time I was on a bench by a field, and yeah I didn't feel any SI. I was a little sad actually, but it was a very pretty early morning, I'd been awake all night. It was an overdose attempt, a lot of pills.

Oh I feel you so much here, the staying up all night, awake early morning is all so familiar. I find it hard to attempt as soon as you wake up in the morning or in the afternoon. Seems to be less SI too if you're sleep deprived.

Definitely get what you mean by sleeping pills and blacking out even though you don't remember. Such an interesting feeling

I relate to you saying that the beautiful cliff attempt day felt "dreamy" , because before my actual train attempt when I was walking there I was appreciating the beauty and deep blue night sky, I felt like I was in my favorite film.

I'm surprised you were able to practice running up close and dangling your feet off the cliff!! But to be fair when I was at Bempton Cliffs there were also no coastguards or anyone watching. Also for sure they protrude so much:((( And wow that description of you climbing down and you getting caught right before the other drop that might've just left you with permanent damage. Like holy shit I would NOT believe what I'm feeling and seeing that's already such a cool story to me, totally evokes some feelings.

Thank you for sharing your stories in detail, I find them very relatable and i see that we both are longing for peace, and we'll find it eventually.

 

[Otter55]

Hell
Death is peace 4 the tortured

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I've been to the train tracks too, though my experience wasn't quite as pleasant or dreamy as yours.

I was out running errands late at night and realized there was an opportunity. I'd sort of been planning it for three days, but it felt impulsive in the moment. The entire time I was biking over to the tracks, I was sobbing and shaking because part of me didn't want to do it. My suicidality has a psychotic nature to it (passivity phenomena), so I don't always have control over it. This was one of those times. It was incredibly uncomfortable and scary— I was walking toward the tracks and I literally couldn't stop myself. I felt like I was being forced to walk closer and closer even though I was terrified. I sent my goodbyes to my friends because I was sure that was it. But then, randomly, a friend I hadn't spoken to in days— and hadn't even texted goodbye to started messaging me frantically, saying "don't do it" over and over. I ended up calling her and we talked for 90 minutes. She pulled me out of the trance and saved my life (which I kind of lament now, to be honest).

The night ended with 20 police officers and six squad cars showing up with orders to drag me back to the psych ward. The whole ordeal— from the sobbing bike ride to the lack of control was just uncomfortable, scary and regrettable.

 

[moonlightbeach]

I've been to the train tracks too, though my experience wasn't quite as pleasant or dreamy as yours.

I was out running errands late at night and realized there was an opportunity. I'd sort of been planning it for three days, but it felt impulsive in the moment. The entire time I was biking over to the tracks, I was sobbing and shaking because part of me didn't want to do it. My suicidality has a psychotic nature to it (passivity phenomena), so I don't always have control over it. This was one of those times. It was incredibly uncomfortable and scary— I was walking toward the tracks and I literally couldn't stop myself. I felt like I was being forced to walk closer and closer even though I was terrified. I sent my goodbyes to my friends because I was sure that was it. But then, randomly, a friend I hadn't spoken to in days— and hadn't even texted goodbye to started messaging me frantically, saying "don't do it" over and over. I ended up calling her and we talked for 90 minutes. She pulled me out of the trance and saved my life (which I kind of lament now, to be honest).

The night ended with 20 police officers and six squad cars showing up with orders to drag me back to the psych ward. The whole ordeal— from the sobbing bike ride to the lack of control was just uncomfortable, scary and regrettable.

I understand the psychotic nature absolutely. I have also known and seen many people who would sob and shake, it's rough. And you having the cumpolsory thought of going over to the tracks too wow. I'm curious if you had a history of non suicidal self injury where it would help you with the pain before?

When i first started considering suicide as a last choice I would cry about it partly because I knew that i'm in a minority (transfem/anarchist) where there's lot of suffering going on in our lives and that it sucks that other people murdered us basically. Thinking about dying is terrifying for sure and 20 cops ordering you to the psych ward must've felt rough at the time. I hope they were nice to you in the psych ward and it didn't hurt your sense of belongingness. I understand that you might be in suffering more now, and that its harder than it was- i hope you find peace.

 

[Jisatsu]

I once worked at s hospital and I had keys to the roof . I stood on the edge of the roof for hour .... I watched the sun set and it was absolutely beautiful. Cried a lot and just cut myself instead... left a lot of blood on the roof lol...

I stood on a bridge once too, a ... friend called me and told me to rethink it.... Sadly that friend isn't around anymore.... I have no friends now... so... no stopping me next time.
When I do fsh from a tree.

 

[kouna]

I jumped from the 3rd floor of a building site just across from the office I was working at.

I had a panic attack at the office, locked myself in the toilet for a few minutes and when I came out I just run to the building site (no builders that day), run up the stairs, run across the floor and jumped over the balcony, no pause at all. I don't remember the fall AT ALL, I think my brain turned off to protect me from the mental trauma.
Don't know for how long I was unconscious, but I woke up with my right side from foot to elbow all fucked up, my head didn't have any damage, except for my glasses cutting my right eyebrow.
I assume I landed on my right foot and my right arm instinctively protected my head hence the damage on my right elbow.
My left side sustained 0 damage.

How I felt: disappointed that I was alive. A feeling which remained for the first weeks at the hospital after the surgeries. I couldn't move anything below my waist, only my torso and my hands.
All my mental problems disappeared once the first small movements of my legs came back, I had a purpose and I was happy with my little daily progress.
That was 3 years ago. They were good years. Now my life is back to hell in a matter of a few months.

Since I do cliff diving, I have no fear of heights, I could easily jump from any height without hesitation, I only have to imagine that I'm jumping in water.
There is a 10 floor apartment building in my town and it is one of my options for CTB. However,I'm leaning towards FSH in a few weeks.

....and 1st post

 

[like_a_bird]

I jumped from the 3rd floor of a building site just across from the office I was working at.

I had a panic attack at the office, locked myself in the toilet for a few minutes and when I came out I just run to the building site (no builders that day), run up the stairs, run across the floor and jumped over the balcony, no pause at all. I don't remember the fall AT ALL, I think my brain turned off to protect me from the mental trauma.
Don't know for how long I was unconscious, but I woke up with my right side from foot to elbow all fucked up, my head didn't have any damage, except for my glasses cutting my right eyebrow.
I assume I landed on my right foot and my right arm instinctively protected my head hence the damage on my right elbow.
My left side sustained 0 damage.

How I felt: disappointed that I was alive. A feeling which remained for the first weeks at the hospital after the surgeries. I couldn't move anything below my waist, only my torso and my hands.
All my mental problems disappeared once the first small movements of my legs came back, I had a purpose and I was happy with my little daily progress.
That was 3 years ago. They were good years. Now my life is back to hell in a matter of a few months.

Since I do cliff diving, I have no fear of heights, I could easily jump from any height without hesitation, I only have to imagine that I'm jumping in water.
There is a 10 floor apartment building in my town and it is one of my options for CTB. However,I'm leaning towards FSH in a few weeks.

....and 1st post

Thanks for sharing. Do you know where/how for the fish?

 

[kouna]

Thanks for sharing. Do you know where/how for the fish?

I don't get it, what fish?

 

[like_a_bird]

So

I don't get it, what fish?

Sorry, autocorrect got me there. FSH: full suspension hanging

 

[Gangrel]

i tried to hang myself, i was desperate and anxious, felt like i had to do it or else i would explode or something

 

[jonsantorni]

tried to hang myself. I went unconscious but since I didn't really think it through, my rope snapped. I was gonna play a song(pretend by Alex g) as I went unconscious but my phone fell and stopped playing and I didn't feel like somehow fixing it with my feet/loosening the knot. It was peaceful, however when I woke up on the ground I was pretty freaked out.

 

[moonlightbeach]

i tried to hang myself, i was desperate and anxious, felt like i had to do it or else i would explode or something

that's rough. how do you feel now?

tried to hang myself. I went unconscious but since I didn't really think it through, my rope snapped. I was gonna play a song(pretend by Alex g) as I went unconscious but my phone fell and stopped playing and I didn't feel like somehow fixing it with my feet/loosening the knot. It was peaceful, however when I woke up on the ground I was pretty freaked out.

it's kind of poetic how everything failed yet it was peaceful, says a lot about you /pos. also great great great song choice love to see alex g mentioned. it must mean a lot to you if you decided to listen to it right before. i have a favourite song i played right before my attempt its called glass beach by glass beach.

 

[kouna]

So

Sorry, autocorrect got me there. FSH: full suspension hanging

I will FSH at our house's basement. There are big wooden beams at the ceiling.
I've done some testing and it's high enough as long as I keep the tail of the rope short.

 

[like_a_bird]

Spu

I will FSH at our house's basement. There are big wooden beams at the ceiling.
I've done some testing and it's high enough as long as I keep the tail of the rope short.

Sounds like a solid plan. Wishing you peace