For me it's either enlightment or suicide

[Sadbanana]

I know this is quite obscure topic and a lot of you will probably think I'm just crazy.

It's been around 2 years since I realized that this thing is actually real on a psychadelic trip. Over time I found people that call it non dual awakening. It's basically a state of mind where you don't identify with thoughts, but with something more primary. From all the glimpses I had, I realized that identification with thoughts are responsible for almost if not all suffering. The first shift in identity is a start of a process where the ego slowly gets dismantled and you stop suffering altogether.

I spent a long time meditating, doing self enquiry and some other techniques that should help me "wake up". But so far it nothing happened.

This is the only thing that gives me hope. But if it won't happen for me then my life will just keep being torture. I think that if it doesn't happen soon I will just kill myself instead. Either way I will accomplish ending my suffering.

 

[most_en_koren]

Hey sadbanana,
I feel very much the same way. Just like you I long very much for this 'waking up'.
I meditate every day and it makes me feel free from this 'person feeling so-and-so, thinking this-and-that', it also helps me see fear into perspective. I think this nondual experience you talk about is more real than any reality created by thought.
But it's like a gear to shift in, and afterwards slowly the 'regular mind' comes back. making me suffer and especially making me believe I cannot take the suffering (thinking about how much suffering inevitably lies in the future, etc.). And maybe I can't.
I have ME/CFS which leads to a lot of 'physical' suffering already. Then I am socially very isolated and have been depressed for a long time. I see no future and really want to give up. All effort is just 100x more effortful than it used to be, I am so worn out, I can't go on.
All I want is peace. To just dissolve into space and be nothing; just not be this suffering person.
I'm honestly not sure if enlightenment is really possible. Some say that enlightenment is a joke, it's just another thing you believe you need to achieve, making you miserable when you feel like you're 'failing'. My view on this is that it's not by merit/work that you can 'achieve' enlightenment. When you try too hard, it doesn't come to you. Sometimes it naturally presents itself and you don't have to put in any effort. It's really not something you can summon.
If enlightenment is possible, I don't think I can make it, I'm too exhausted.
I hope to find enlightenment at the moment of death. But sometimes I strongly doubt this.
Would you say you are metaphysically confused? I certainly am. The more I thing of these things, the less sense they make.
Do you have any idea about what happens after death?

I wish you, and everyone reading this, eternal peace. <3

 

[Sadbanana]

Hey sadbanana,
I feel very much the same way. Just like you I long very much for this 'waking up'.
I meditate every day and it makes me feel free from this 'person feeling so-and-so, thinking this-and-that', it also helps me see fear into perspective. I think this nondual experience you talk about is more real than any reality created by thought.
But it's like a gear to shift in, and afterwards slowly the 'regular mind' comes back. making me suffer and especially making me believe I cannot take the suffering (thinking about how much suffering inevitably lies in the future, etc.). And maybe I can't.
I have ME/CFS which leads to a lot of 'physical' suffering already. Then I am socially very isolated and have been depressed for a long time. I see no future and really want to give up. All effort is just 100x more effortful than it used to be, I am so worn out, I can't go on.
All I want is peace. To just dissolve into space and be nothing; just not be this suffering person.
I'm honestly not sure if enlightenment is really possible. Some say that enlightenment is a joke, it's just another thing you believe you need to achieve, making you miserable when you feel like you're 'failing'. My view on this is that it's not by merit/work that you can 'achieve' enlightenment. When you try too hard, it doesn't come to you. Sometimes it naturally presents itself and you don't have to put in any effort. It's really not something you can summon.
If enlightenment is possible, I don't think I can make it, I'm too exhausted.
I hope to find enlightenment at the moment of death. But sometimes I strongly doubt this.
Would you say you are metaphysically confused? I certainly am. The more I thing of these things, the less sense they make.
Do you have any idea about what happens after death?

I wish you, and everyone reading this, eternal peace. <3

I wish I knew what happens when we die. But I don't think this awareness can ever die, so probably some radically different type of experience.

I'm deffinitely confused, but as this point I'm no longer trying to make any metaphorical assumptions about the universe, you can't really check if it's true anyway.

I watched a lot of youtube channels about non duality. My personal favorites are simply always awake and Ascendor. It can help a lot when they talk about common traps of the ego.

I don't think awakening has anything to do with deserving it, but maybe there are certain conditions that can help facilitate it, like being open to it and do practice, I don't think there is much more you can do. From that point on it's up to the universe.

What would you say that is holding you back from waking up?