FleetingNight's Vent Thread

[fleetingnight]

Making a personal vent thread just for yourself is a good idea, I'm gonna borrow it and make one for myself.

I wasn't sure if I should put it in suicide discussion or offtopic. I guess, someone please let me know if you think I should move it, or make a separate thread in offtopic, and I will.

I'll separate my vents with dividers.

~~~~~

Another day of doing absolutely nothing, even though I had a lot to do. I don't know why I'm holding out a couple more years to "get things done" if I never fucking do anything. I should know better, that's a part of why I want to die. But, it really shouldn't be hard. I had literally one thing to do today. One. Single. Fucking. Thing. I did goddamn nothing all day. I hate doing this, every day is wasted, and it just makes me hate myself more and more. I know stabbing has to be one of the least effective methods, and yet whenever I fuck something up again, I vividly daydream about stabbing myself over and over and over and slowly bleeding to death. I need to learn to give up some day, I'm basically torturing myself.

~

God I'm just set up for failure no matter what I do. I almost felt proud of myself for going back to school, but I remembered all the people in my family way younger than me who already have degrees. I'm not even working towards a degree yet, I'm still doing core courses. I'm so far behind, I'll never catch up. And is there even any hope if I've spent the past few years doing barely anything with my life? I doubt it. I'll probably drop out again or kill myself, or maybe both in that order. I'm so useless.

I drink so much caffeine to try and force myself to sleep as little as possible and do more, but I'm still useless as ever. Children are more successful and accomplished than I am. I think it's over for me, please somebody just shoot me or hit my with a truck or something

 

[fleetingnight]

Birth control and hysterectomies should be free for multiple reasons, one of them being the amount of people I know who get more suicidal every time they get it. I'm one of them. I've even heard of people who aren't suicidal most of the time, but start being once they're period starts.

A lot of people don't like treating the emotional side of PMS seriously. I wonder how they'd feel if I told them I cut myself twice as much as usual because of it. I've considered trying to get a hysterectomy covered by telling my doctor about that, but it's really hard to know how much detail you can go into about your mental health before basically being punished for it.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Heyyy you stole my idea no jk jk i think everyone should have a vent thread its nice

 

[fleetingnight]

Heyyy you stole my idea no jk jk i think everyone should have a vent thread its nice

Sorry for jacking your style like that</3 LMAO (Yeah it was a good idea! I don't feel as much pressure when complaining about random shit)

 

[fleetingnight]

I was starting to feel a little better for maybe thirty minutes, butnow I just have this sinking feeling in my chest again and a vague sadness about everything... All it takes to depress me is just thinking about reality. Literally, if I just think about my own life and the real world too hard, I almost always start having a panic attack. That's why I'm so hopeless. And that's why I'm high almost all the time, to prevent it. Even that's not enough to protect me sometimes, though.

 

[fleetingnight]

It's hard to make myself do anything at all. What's the point? I'll definitely be dead by next year, if not this one. Does it really matter if my room is clean? Why should I write at all, if I know I won't finish it? Does it matter if my health goes to shit? It won't matter in a year! Why not spend my last few hundreds on things that would make me happy? A rope doesn't cost that much. A high jump doesn't cost anything. I'm supposed to get up and clean, study, write, do a fucking thousand other things, but it's so hard to motivate myself when none of it will matter soon. Do I even really need to?

I told myself I'd go without posting today, but I have an addiction to running my fucking mouth about things I can;'t change, I'll try again tomorrow

 

[fleetingnight]

I don't want to die. I really don't. But I don't think there's another choice for me, I don't know what to do what to do

I could get a rope. I don't want to, but I could. I'm not that good at forcing myself to do thing I don't want to, but I can when I really have to. I think I have to

My dreams mean nothing. My "life's purpose" is a hobby that I'm fucking bad at. It's not worth the amount of pain I feel every day. It can't just be "bad luck." It can't just be "coincidences." It's me. I'm just useless. The only thing I can do correctly is feel pain and misery. I don't want to die, but I don't know how much more of this I can take

 

[fleetingnight]

Fuck, time passes by too quickly. It's overwhelming. I haven't finished things I was supposed to do last week. Somehow it's already Wednesday? Why does it feel like just yesterday was still March? Everything is a blur. Do I really move and think that slowly? I haven't prepared for anything. I'm not even ready for this week to begin, and we're halfway through it.

This is what I mean when I say that I have to die. I can't do this. I can't do anything. My life is passing me by, and I ruin every single chance I get by being too slow or too stupid. I want everything to slow down. I'm so tired. 24 hours in a day isn't enough, it feels like 24 minutes to me.

 

[fleetingnight]

My health only deteriorates every day. There's nothing I can do but end it. I need to give up and fucking end it. It doesn't matter what I want or how many regrets I have, I need to buy a rope NOW and end it fucking SOON. It's already over for me. It's only gonna get worse from here. I need to die.
I always said I'd kill myself if I got Long Covid, and I think I have it, but I'm not ready

 

[fleetingnight]

Today is fucking awful. I feel like I'm actually going crazy. I don't know if I can be around anyone or I might snap.

My friends and partner are trying to get me to spend time with them, which shouldn't be a problem, it's fine. But I can't. I can't do this I can't I can't I can't. I can't be around people. I can't tolerate anybody. I don't want to be a human being, I don't want to talk, I don't want relationships, I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be kissed, I don't want to be held or flirted with, I don't want to force myself to make random smalltalk while shoving that voice telling me over and over to hang myself into the back of my head and pretending I can't hear it. It's so loud, it feels like I'm being screamed at.

I can't even fucking get high to relax because my goddamn medical test got postponed til tomorrow which means being sober another day, but it's my fucking fauklt for forgetting to return their call. I complain about my life as if it's not all my fault. Break up with your partner if you wanna be single, you dumb piece of shit! Let them move on and stop anonymously talking shit about them! Cut off your friends if you don't want them! Work harder if you need a job instead of layign around doing goddamn nothing every day then wondering why your life sucks! Jesus Christ, I hate myself, I don't know what to do to fix any of the problems I've caused. And now I'm crying and crying makes the pain worse and I can't even make it go away with edibles JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

I don't want to kill myself, I have to kill myself, because I'm a fucking awful failure of a "person"

God I wanna die so bad, maybe I should just try to bleed out or hang myself with whatever's around my house, and inevitably fail and have to deal with the consequences of failure. Another 24 hours without any pain/anxiety management! I wish I was dead! Whatever, it's probably good I feel so awful, it's my own fault I'm in pain, and I deserve it

 

[fleetingnight]

Damn it, I shouldn't have scared myself. Reading descriptions of what hanging feels like and the risks of failure really freaked me out. I had thought I had decided on a method I could afford if I needed to do it soon, and it gave me peace of mind knowing I had a plan. Now I feel stressed again. God damn it all, why didn't I quit while I was ahead?

I'm so annoyed with myself for ruining my own mood like that. No one to blame but myself.

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Damn it, I shouldn't have scared myself. Reading descriptions of what hanging feels like and the risks of failure really freaked me out. I had thought I had decided on a method I could afford if I needed to do it soon, and it gave me peace of mind knowing I had a plan. Now I feel stressed again. God damn it all, why didn't I quit while I was ahead?

I'm so annoyed with myself for ruining my own mood like that. No one to blame but myself.

Honestly reading the risks of failure put me off hanging awhile back as well,reality is your only going to get fucked up if you get saved,if your setup fails its most likely going to do so before brain damage occurs so I wouldn't worry much about that

 

[fleetingnight]

Honestly reading the risks of failure put me off hanging awhile back as well,reality is your only going to get fucked up if you get saved,if your setup fails its most likely going to do so before brain damage occurs so I wouldn't worry much about that

Hmm, that's a good point, thank you. I'm not totally sure yet, but probably gonna do partial, so I think if it seems like something is going wrong, I can stop and try again later. I'll just need to be careful, I have bad luck with messing up my health, and don't want to make anything any worse

 

[fleetingnight]

People say I have bad luck, and I say so too sometimes, but I think it's just an excuse. There's no way so many bad things could happen to me just coincidentally, it HAS to be my fault. I'm sure I did something stupid without even realizing it.

I try to think so hard about every single thing I do before doing it, because I know I'm an idiot who gets everything wrong. I Google even simple, common sense questions, to be sure. Still, I somehow make mistakes anyways. I don't get how it's possible. I think of myself as a careful person, even overcautious cause of anxiety, but I'm just so awful at everything that it seems like I don't even try. I don't even know how it's possible for anyone to be so stupid. This is why I keep getting the feeling that I HAVE to die, whether I want to or not, because I don't know how someone so bad at being alive can make it in the world.

~~~~~~

I know it's better not to forget the terrible things I've done, so I don't wish for that. I just wish that I could go back and undo it, so badly. I can't understand how I ever thought it was okay, no matter how hard I think about it. It doesn't sound like something I'd do, but I did. Even if I decide I don't want to die, I know I surely deserve it for that. I may have no choice. I know people change, but it's something I can never forgive myself for.

I hope the person I did it to forgets. It won't undo all damage, but it's probably best not to think about anyways.

Sorry, I can't bring myself to elaborate on what I did, even though everyone deserves to know

 

[fleetingnight]

Wasted the whole day again

I didn't do jack shit

I don't know why I try

I fucked around all day doing fucking nothing

Of course my life is dogshit when I spend it like this

If I'm so miserable living like this, why can't I just make myself change? Don't I have free will? Can't I do what I want? Apparently not. It doesn't seem like it, because I can't do anything no matter how much I want to

I want to cut myself, but not even for pain or punishment, just relief

I don't even deserve the relief, but I want it

 

[excellum]

Wasted the whole day again

I didn't do jack shit

I don't know why I try

I fucked around all day doing fucking nothing

Of course my life is dogshit when I spend it like this

If I'm so miserable living like this, why can't I just make myself change? Don't I have free will? Can't I do what I want? Apparently not. It doesn't seem like it, because I can't do anything no matter how much I want to

I want to cut myself, but not even for pain or punishment, just relief

I don't even deserve the relief, but I want it

This sounds a lot like me. I used to internalize a lot of hatred towards myself because I thought changing was so easy, yet I couldn't take the first step. Granted, I'm still not where I want to be, and I still struggle with suicidal ideation, but a lot of the self-hatred ceased once I learned how the human brain works. How our brain functions is not so different from a human 300,000 years ago, as we're pretty much atomically the same - we're still Homo sapiens. The problem is you weren't born 300,000 years ago when all we had to do was find food, play, raise kids, and occasionally we'd come face-to-face with a predator. That is when our fight-or-flight kicked in.

Today this anxiety response gets triggered constantly by thinking about bills, house payments, car payments, worrying about becoming destitute, perceived cultural obligations, degrees, money. Once it is triggered, your brain literally can't tell the difference between that and a physical tiger in front of you, because it doesn't have the capacity to, it's just running code to keep you alive. We're pretty unique though, like you won't find a Zebra suffering from crippling anxiety because a lion might eat them in the future - it's just going to do Zebra things until it has to run away from the lion. I'm not trying to romanticize Paleolithic living, but it's not your fault our culture panned out like this when we're obviously not biologically attuned to it.

This stuff around you evolved, and continues to evolve at light-speed compared to us. You had no control over any of it. Even if someone decides to change, and they find the will to do it, they have no control over their environment and the material quantum fluctuations in their body and brain that bring about that disposition in response. What does that say about praise or punishment? It doesn't make sense. If you want to learn more about that, you can look up determinism. Robert Sapolsky is a neurobiologist that I haphazardly paraphrased here, but I recommend his work.

Learning about this stuff helped me realize I was being unnecessarily hard on myself. It also absolved me of some culpability for how I turned out. Though, at first, I relied too heavily on this perspective as a crutch in order to avoid doing the hard thing. It's very tempting to do that, but my decisions ultimately affect those around me. I don't think free will exists, but society runs as if it does so we have no choice but to pretend and play along. It's on us at the end of the day to subject ourselves to the randomness of the universe and adapt. I hope this didn't come off offensive or tone deaf, I have no idea what your circumstances are and I don't have any easy solutions, but I hope I did "something" to help another human being, whatever that is.

 

[fleetingnight]

This sounds a lot like me. I used to internalize a lot of hatred towards myself because I thought changing was so easy, yet I couldn't take the first step. Granted, I'm still not where I want to be, and I still struggle with suicidal ideation, but a lot of the self-hatred ceased once I learned how the human brain works. How our brain functions is not so different from a human 300,000 years ago, as we're pretty much atomically the same - we're still Homo sapiens. The problem is you weren't born 300,000 years ago when all we had to do was find food, play, raise kids, and occasionally we'd come face-to-face with a predator. That is when our fight-or-flight kicked in.

Today this anxiety response gets triggered constantly by thinking about bills, house payments, car payments, worrying about becoming destitute, perceived cultural obligations, degrees, money. Once it is triggered, your brain literally can't tell the difference between that and a physical tiger in front of you, because it doesn't have the capacity to, it's just running code to keep you alive. We're pretty unique though, like you won't find a Zebra suffering from crippling anxiety because a lion might eat them in the future - it's just going to do Zebra things until it has to run away from the lion. I'm not trying to romanticize Paleolithic living, but it's not your fault our culture panned out like this when we're obviously not biologically attuned to it.

This stuff around you evolved, and continues to evolve at light-speed compared to us. You had no control over any of it. Even if someone decides to change, and they find the will to do it, they have no control over their environment and the material quantum fluctuations in their body and brain that bring about that disposition in response. What does that say about praise or punishment? It doesn't make sense. If you want to learn more about that, you can look up determinism. Robert Sapolsky is a neurobiologist that I haphazardly paraphrased here, but I recommend his work.

Learning about this stuff helped me realize I was being unnecessarily hard on myself. It also absolved me of some culpability for how I turned out. Though, at first, I relied too heavily on this perspective as a crutch in order to avoid doing the hard thing. It's very tempting to do that, but my decisions ultimately affect those around me. I don't think free will exists, but society runs as if it does so we have no choice but to pretend and play along. It's on us at the end of the day to subject ourselves to the randomness of the universe and adapt. I hope this didn't come off offensive or tone deaf, I have no idea what your circumstances are and I don't have any easy solutions, but I hope I did "something" to help another human being, whatever that is.

Hey, I'm so sorry I took so long to ever reply to this. My health problems have been acting up a bit and I felt like I couldn't stay focused enough to respond to it.

But, seriously, thank you so much for all of this. I'm rlly grateful you took the time to offer advice and try to help, it's really nice<3 I should do more research. I've been interested in learning about psychology (to understand wtf's wrong with me lol) but I get lose pretty quickly, it's probably good to know, though. I wish I knew how to change my circumstances, but I guess everyone does. I'll just have to keep trying for now. I'm not great at going easy on myself, especially because I'm sure I actually deserve it in some cases, but it's still nice to hear about someone else's perspective, I'll definitely keep it in mind. And I'll look up Robert Sapolsky, I'm interested in what I can understand of it.

 

[fleetingnight]

In so much pain, I feel like i'm being torn aparrt. I dont want ti die, but I don't want to live like this. Idek what else to say besides it hurts. i need somethuing painless. I can'ttake any more. Everytime I start feeling better, my pain gets worse. Why? Am I being mocked by god? I can't live in too much pain to do anything, I can't. I need a gun

Jeus Christ how much do I use this fuxking thread if I've had it for less than one monht? God. User title checks out lol

 

[fleetingnight]

I feel like I'm doomed. I've realized the biggest problem for me is literally talking to people.

One of the main reasons I have these long breakdowns/episodes/whatever you'd call them and waste hours of my day is just to recover from talking to people. I've just been dissociating and self harming for hours, and it's just because I had to take a phone call for a while. It stressed me out so much, I could hardly control myself for about four hours. I know that's insane. That's why I'm cooked. I started noticing a couple days ago how I can't get anything done after a phone call. I thought at first it was just when the call was serious or heavy, but tonight, it wasn't any of those things. It was pretty simple, even fun at some points. But I felt so overwhelmed I lost control.

How am I ever going to do anything? Can't even talk to someone without dissociating, what's wrong with me?

I think it's a little better with the people I live with, because I have more time to get used to it. I'll have to start keeping track of it, though. It's not like talking to my parents doesn't stress me the hell out, lol.

Is it even possible to get by without talking to people? And why do I LOVE talking online, like here, but lose my fucking mind when I have to call someone?? It makes no sense. Like I've said, I feel like suicide is unavoidable for me, and this is another reason why

Edit: I counted and it was actually 6 hours. Holy shit what the actual fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so hesitant to hang myself if I do shit like this? It'd be merciful to kill myself

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm such a bitter, hate-filled person. I get angry at people just for being happy. No one deserves to have to be around me. Why won't they just leave? I don't try to treat my loved ones badly, but I obviously do, so why won't they leave? There's nothing that special about me. I don't think I'm that good at acting nice, so what is it? Is it just because I'm pitiful? "Pathetic" can be easily mistaken for "nice." Everyone should be able to tell what I am. I'm so filled with disdain, you should be able to sense it by being near me.

 

[zjay-0v3rit!]

I'm such a bitter, hate-filled person. I get angry at people just for being happy. No one deserves to have to be around me. Why won't they just leave? I don't try to treat my loved ones badly, but I obviously do, so why won't they leave? There's nothing that special about me. I don't think I'm that good at acting nice, so what is it? Is it just because I'm pitiful? "Pathetic" can be easily mistaken for "nice." Everyone should be able to tell what I am. I'm so filled with disdain, you should be able to sense it by being near me.

I feel the same ways sometimes. I have so much hate and negativity inside. Im way too loved and it never made sense to me. I cant return the love i have in my life. I wish people would forget about me. Ive been isolating so much so i dont have to be fake around people

 

[fleetingnight]

I woke up in so much pain. I want to believe that downing all my pharmacuticals would be enough, and somehow be quick and not that painful. I just want it to be easy to be impulsive right now. If I could take them all, and the pain would stop and I'd fall asleep, I would. Even if I found some pill cocktail that might work, I know I'd just throw them up. It's so tempting to try anyways. I have a lot of meds.

Edit: Researching this and the best that'll happen is even worse pain and maybe a seizure. I wish they could just give me something stronger. It should be my fucking choice how I fucking use it if I pay them for it

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are some cliffsides here, not nearby, but I could get there. This might be my new plan. A lot of them are by beaches, which is nice, because I love the beach a lot. I'd be a bit afraid to jump into water, because I'm terrified of drowning, but maybe if it was high enough and I knew the fall would kill me.

Only problem is I'd have a lot of time to think it over on the trip there. If I change my mind, I guess I'd have to explain to my parents why I'm in a city so many miles away. I can by time for the trip there, pretend I'm out somewhere else, but not the trip back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have no choice but to try and pretend the pain isn't there and work anyways. I can hardly focus, though. I won't even be able to sleep tonight, and I shouldn't have last night. I can't even stop my hands from shaking, so I hope I'll be able to write steadily somehow

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm trying to plan, but it doesn't help. I dont' need a plan for the future, even if it's soon, I need it to stop NOW. TODAY.

 

[fleetingnight]

Back here again so soon, wow

I'm unironically wondering if my period is a valid enough reason to push me over the edge. It's gross, it's very painful, it messes my emotions up even worse than usual, and I seriously never want to have one again. I'm sick of this happening to me every month. It's like knowing you're going to get a stomach flu every single month for years and not being able to do anything about it. I want a hysterectomy, but I don't know how to trust anyone having access to my body while I'm unconscious, or even while I'm awake, I skip routine checkups because of it

I wonder how many doctors would believe me if I told them any of this, they probably wouldn't take it seriously. No one thinks of periods as something that could seriously effect you, it's either funny, you're overreacting, you're weird for daring to talk about it, or all of the above

 

[fleetingnight]

I can't take much more. I keep saying that, but not committing to death. I need to go out before the world itself dies, but it's dying faster than I'm ready for. I'm sick of trying to fight back against the evil in the world. Who gives a fuck if a nobody like me protests something in the streets? Who gives a shit what a nobody thinks is right or wrong? Why do people want to delude me into thinking I'm making a difference? "Use your voice, speak up against what's wrong," I can't anymore. I'm tired. No one listens, and I'm let down every time. It's only downhill from here. I'm tired of fighting it. I don't care if it makes me a bad person. I already am one. I'm laying down and surrendering now. I just don't have the strength to fight. I only hope I have the strength to end it all before it's too late.

 

[fleetingnight]

(This should be my last post before logging off for a bit. I'm kinda repeating myself here, cause I'm gonna see about getting the other post where I discussed this deleted. I'm too tired and busy now though, so I'll deal with that later.)

Something came up, so I now have only one more month to try and get some money or I have no choice but to attempt

I don't really want to yet. At least the pain would be over
(I wish it was easier to explain how it can be a need but not a want. I feel like that's confusing.)

I'll be working on my note and will and finding a jumping spot in between searching for jobs
I feel stupid for wanting to die but not wanting to die at the same time. I guess it's not uncommon to feel that way, but I still hate it. I hope I can get everything done in time, I'm really feeling worn out

 

[fleetingnight]

I need to get out of my parents house if I ever want to feel eve a little bit okay. I need to get out if I wanna be myself even a little bit. I needed to get away from them a long time ago, I can't take much more. I don't want to see them every day. I don't want to talk to them every day. I don't want them to do things for me. I don't want them to know everything about me.

But it feels like it'll never be possible no matter what. One job isn't enough to cover cost living, and I can't even get one. Two jobs might not even be enough anymore. If it is, that's still not enough, because having two jobs is for sure a death sentence for me. I couldn't take it. The only thing I want to be alive for is making art. If I have no time to do that, then what's the point?

I don't want to live and die in my fucking parents house. I don't want to fucking be here. Looking at my own room makes me so sick. I'm so tired of it.

 

[fleetingnight]

I can't stand when people say they love me. I feel so guilty saying that, I know a lot of people here really want to be loved. I would redirect any love towards me to you if I could. I can't stand people saying they like me, they want to see me, and especially that they want to hug/touch me. I feel disgusted. I don't even know the reason. It's not only that I don't think I deserve it. It makes me uncomfortable on its own. I feel like they see me as someone I'm not and love who they expect me to be. I feel a bit like I'm being tied down. But there's a part of it I can't put into words. It makes me feel gross and panicked without knowing the reason.

I crave attention, but only in small doses. I don't want to belong to anybody. I don't want to be someone they rely on, because I'm not reliable. I dont want people to think that they know me, and act like they know me, because they don't. And I don't want them to.

 

[fleetingnight]

I don't want to die, but I honestly deserve to
I've done things I can't make up for. I can't even bring myself to be honest about them here, where I'm anonymous

 

[fleetingnight]

It's nights like this I feel like giving up on everything and attempting
I'm having a panic attack over nothing. Nothing at all happened. If this keeps happening, I can't go on. There's no reason to live, if it's gonna be like this
No matter what I do, I'll never be free of feeling like this
I know I can be a really shitty person, but I'm not sure I did enough to deserve this

I keep fantasizing about slitting my own throat. I know I couldn't do it. The worst thing I could do is try. There's no way I could do it deep enough, so I'd just hurt myself. Maybe I should try to cut deeper to practice. Self harm is always a bad idea, but I don't know what to do.

I keep grabbing my own throat like it'll help me calm down. Maybe I really should hang myself. At least it'd be over. Nothing anymore. I don't want that, but it must be better than this.