Venting Flaws

[FailureToAll]

I'm so flawed. I am so repulsed by myself, I can't stand when other people look at me they must feel disgusted. I don't leave the house alone and when I do go out with family all I can think about is how awful I look. Where to even start there's so many things wrong with how I look, I have an overbite that I was going to get surgery for but was delayed for years due to covid and now I have been told I can't have it unless I improve my mental health bcuz it's a risk to them if I ctb after surgery. I haven't had braces yet either bcuz I was supposed to get them with the surgery. So I still have crooked teeth and I've also ruined them with my terrible diet, I have so many fillings and I'm terrified of future dentist appts because I had a root canal at my last one and it was so painful and I think at the rate I'm going all my future apps will be painful and I'll probably lose all my teeth or something. My bad diet also caused me to be obese and covered in stretch marks and if I lose weight then I'll have loose skin. I've covered myself in self harm scars. I have a skin condition that caused something that people assume is a scar on my chin and lip. It makes my face look even more unsymetrical. My skin has been getting really dry the last few years I think it's worse in winter and I feel so gross and dirty. My eyelids are too droopy and unsymetrical and my eyebrows are too straight. My forehead is too big and my hairline is too square. My hair is too poofy and always messy. The skin condition also has side affects of joint pains so I feel like a 90yr old. It's probably not that visible to others but ik always so stiff and I've made it a lot worse by being fat. I don't even have a good personality to make up for physical flaws. I used to think atleast I'm nice but I'm not even that anymore. I'm awful, I'm overemotional, untrusting and jealous and mean. I'm not funny or helpful or nice. I have no traits to make me valuable as a friend or partner. I'm also in debt and always make bad spending choices. I keep making things worse for myself. I hate cooking and I'm not good at cleaning. I'm so co dependant and I don't work. I'm useless as a daughter, as a friend, as a girlfriend, as a human in general I bring nothing good or useful into the world. I despise myself so fucking much, I'm just a problem. But to ctb will also being a problem to, I will traumatise whoever finds me, I will cause my family grief, I will cause my family more financial difficulties by having to pay for my funeral and if I ctb at their home I will decrease its value. But if I stay alive I keep costing them money for my living expenses since I don't work atm. They've been taking me to hospital appts for 10 years relating to the jaw surgery that now I might not get and they seem to think its achievable bcuz all I need to do is stop selfharming and take baby steps to improve mental health and I'll still be accepted but I don't want to do any of that and also I still might be denied bcuz of my weight anyway and I just cba to put any effort into this after waiting so lomg and clinging onto the hope of jaw surgery fixing things and destroying myself in other ways in the mean time I know the surgery is pointless bcuz I'll still have a million other flaws that make it hard to leave the house and make me unlovable anyway and I also plan to die soon so I feel awful they are still wasting their time to take me to appts. I tried to get them to cancel this one but it was hard to explain why without saying I plan to die anyway so it's pointless. I think I've vented about this all before but anyway I think just having an appt today is making me think a lot. I don't want to go, I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to see anyone or do anything. I'm sick of living. Everything is too much effort