Venting first thread - venting

[emuhly47]

I happened to stumble upon this site referenced elsewhere while looking up "suicide forums," something I've done before ever since I watched Suicide Room back in 2012. I'm 26 and I am too dysfunctional to be on social media like Twitter, Instagram, or Reddit. So I just use Facebook so I can see pictures of my niece. I guess I feel lonely and isolated. Everyone in my city knows me for my depressive episodes, failed attempts, hospital stays. I don't go out and I don't have many friends. I don't have a job because I cracked under the pressure of my last one, which means I've lost health insurance. Without health insurance, I can't get weekly therapy sessions and pursue care for my chronic pain condition.

Some may think it should be an easy decision for me to CTB--overdue, even--but I have never had the cojones to do so with enough lethality. So far I've tried OD'ing 4 times (diagnosed with chronic gastritis due to the extensive scarring in my stomach) and cutting once (this was one of my more impulsive attempts when I was 17, but I cut for about 9/10 years overall). Statistically, a woman with BPD and bipolar should not be happily married. I shouldn't have a man who is more my caregiver than my husband, who seems to be fine with it. I want to free him of this life, but he says he is the happiest he could ever be. Millions would tell him to run far, far away from me. Yet he clings to me, and I cling to my own life because of it.

I feel like there are things, animals or people that cling to us. Like tendrils from the ground, latching onto us and pulling us close until we can't hurt ourselves. If it weren't for them and the motivational, positive lies they try to fill our heads with, people like me may find courage.

 

[MeltingBrain]

Everyone in my city knows me for my depressive episodes, failed attempts, hospital stays.

Any particular reason why you feel suicidal ? Or is it just because of BPD ?

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it sounds tiring what you've had to go through, suffering from failed suicide attempts sounds so dreadful to me but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[kl44r]

I recently got diagnosed with bpd. I never really had a serious attempt but i failed once.
I totally get you and im not surprised that you want to end this, this disorder is so hard to live with especially in a relationship. Im imagine the regret you must feel because of your earlier failed attempts. I know how much you want peace of mind.
I wish you luck in whatever you decide next.

 

[SaltySuh]

@kl44r, if it would not burden you, could you explain how BPD feels like? I was recently diagnosed it Paranoid PD, so I've never known of other PDs.

 

[bluebus]

Hey, I'm sorry about everything you're going through. I hope you can find some peace

 

[kl44r]

@kl44r, if it would not burden you, could you explain how BPD feels like? I was recently diagnosed it Paranoid PD, so I've never known of other PDs.

I think for me bpd mostly feels like there is a battle inside my head. I feel like theres so many versions of me that just fight between each other and its just so exhausting.
I love all the people around me, i love the world and i think theres so many beautiful things around me. I want to give everyone that love and warmth i know i have inside of me but on the other hand, i also wanna feel loved.
Thats why i can do everything to be loved, that means i get attached really easy and obsess over my favourite person. When i feel like im not receiving the same amount of love and commitment i can get suspicious that the other person will leave me, replace me etc that quickly turns into anger and i split or just subconsciously self sabotage my relationship.
Its awful, after every split or hateful thing i say i just feel ashamed and guilty cause i know im not that person, i know i dont want to hurt others. I just want to be understood. That leads me into more frustration and feeling depressed and i blow up again.
It all changes so quickly, its all so painful living with constant paranoid thoughts and just never getting a break.. I feel like i experience every emotion at once, ofc its much more complex, theres a lot of other things but thats how it mainly feels to me.

 

[emuhly47]

I feel like theres so many versions of me that just fight between each other and its just so exhausting.

This kind of thinking has been with me since I was a pre-teen. I always felt like I was actually multiple people, some who were mean, cold and cruel and others who were so profound, loving and generous. I actually didn't get diagnosed until last fall, but I'm currently reading a book on the disorder since I knew next to nothing about it. Thank you for your kind words btw

Hey, I'm sorry about everything you're going through. I hope you can find some peace

thank you friend, very much appreciated

Any particular reason why you feel suicidal ? Or is it just because of BPD ?

I didn't want to spill all my guts in the post, but I recently applied for a position at a local college as an instructor (I have a MS in English), and I didn't get the job. Not only was this my dream career, something I've wanted since I was a senior in high school, but some of my friends are getting employed by the same college and our local university... so those self-loathing and depressive BPD symptoms are hitting way harder than usual

 

[SolomonKado]

I happened to stumble upon this site referenced elsewhere while looking up "suicide forums," something I've done before ever since I watched Suicide Room back in 2012. I'm 26 and I am too dysfunctional to be on social media like Twitter, Instagram, or Reddit. So I just use Facebook so I can see pictures of my niece. I guess I feel lonely and isolated. Everyone in my city knows me for my depressive episodes, failed attempts, hospital stays. I don't go out and I don't have many friends. I don't have a job because I cracked under the pressure of my last one, which means I've lost health insurance. Without health insurance, I can't get weekly therapy sessions and pursue care for my chronic pain condition.

Some may think it should be an easy decision for me to CTB--overdue, even--but I have never had the cojones to do so with enough lethality. So far I've tried OD'ing 4 times (diagnosed with chronic gastritis due to the extensive scarring in my stomach) and cutting once (this was one of my more impulsive attempts when I was 17, but I cut for about 9/10 years overall). Statistically, a woman with BPD and bipolar should not be happily married. I shouldn't have a man who is more my caregiver than my husband, who seems to be fine with it. I want to free him of this life, but he says he is the happiest he could ever be. Millions would tell him to run far, far away from me. Yet he clings to me, and I cling to my own life because of it.

I feel like there are things, animals or people that cling to us. Like tendrils from the ground, latching onto us and pulling us close until we can't hurt ourselves. If it weren't for them and the motivational, positive lies they try to fill our heads with, people like me may find courage.

If it wasn't for my three beautiful dogs I'd already be gone. They look to me to take care of them and pay my back with licking my face when I'm balling my eyes out.Can't get people to show compassion as much as my dogs do. I can't even leave my house for fear of people. If I can't be around people then why the hell am I still here…them…

I've also been bad about wanting to take care of someone. Seeing someone in pain and thinking I want to get better with them and grow stronger because of it. You would think after my 3rd one I would learn my lesson that if someone can't find solace on their own then I won't be able to bring them something they can't find themselves in this shitty world.