Venting First post

[wasted19]

Hi! So this is going to be my first post, I have been lurking for a small while but only yesterday did I decide to create an account on here. I feel privileged to even write something on here, because this is the only platform of this kind that I know of. I'm also a long time and avid lurker on 4chan but its more for entertainment as the people who vent are met with the usual trolling or rudeness. I'd be too embarrassed to post something like this there anyway.

Also i'm sorry this will be very long, please don't feel like you need to read the whole thing or anything at all!! I'm just hoping that putting thoughts to text will help me in some way :<

I will talk about my experience from today + yesterday, while knitting in other info, just in case I forget about using this platform as I have no motivation and consistency for anything....

To start with, I have been waiting for this week to happen for over 3 months now. This is because my mother that I live with finally went abroad to sort something out, which is rare. And while historically this is a time where I usually engage in an insane amount of gaming, bed rotting, isolation and starving myself, this time its different. This is because although my mother is very vigilant and caring (which I believe to have inevitably turned me into a helpless idiot), it was not enough to spot that I had a stash of wonderfully coloured pills sitting safely inside of my laptop. It took me ages to get to them but i'll get back to them a bit later in this post.

As she left yesterday morning, I thought this was it. I already convinced myself that this is what I've wanted. Actually, the thoughts of CTB have been piling on into a mountain in my mind, starting from August last year. Mind you, I felt this way beforehand, but I don't think I really understood these feelings the way I do now because I wasn't really an adult yet (although now apart from age I really have nothing to do with being an adult). Yet instead of going forward with my plan straight after she left, I decided to still go to college for some reason. I guess I felt obliged, but also she went really early and woke me up as a bonus so I was literally on autopilot mode and just did everything I usually do. Regardless, this experience never failed to let me down, and yesterday it did not either. As always I felt so alone and judged, for most of my days in that place I go without saying more than a simple hello to the teachers as I walk in, or the occasional thank you if someone holds a door open for me, and I know that everyone else in class is aware of this and probably makes fun of it. It gets worse when I mention that my course requires basically no effort, as we have no final exams and all the work feels more optional than mandatory, so it is basically just a social hangout for everyone else in the class. And sometimes, just sometimes, when I overhear my classmates talking about things I like, it rips my heart in half that I can't join the conversation because they would find it weird and awkward since I already put a big "quiet loser" label on my forehead. So I spent the time there as a spectator once again.

And on the trope of spectating, for the past few weeks this is all my life has been. Every single moment feels like I am observing it through someone else's rotten lens. I genuinely can't ground myself for even a second, despite trying even the normie surface level cringy advice such as meditation or "focusing on the present moment" that sometimes worked in the past. And I've heard that most people have an internal monologue, and so do I, in fact I always loved to daydream and have intense conversations with myself, trying to work through things that happened to me or simply pondering topics too complex for me to understand, yet trying to understand them anyway. But now, this internal monologue started to turn into something hellish; sometimes when it starts I can't make it stop until it wants to, and it either says things that it knows will disturb me or simply make no sense such as repeating meaningless phrases over and over in different pitches until it starts driving me nuts. My well crafted mask that I held together over my face with a shaky hand for the past few years has started to melt from the hellfire of despair that has brewed inside of me, and I wouldn't mention this obvious consequence of being emotionally unstable if not for the fact it started manifesting in public, which is literally my worst nightmare because i'm so scared of being judged and being different that even if I sneeze on the bus i'm embarassed and uncomfortable. Now, I would not say this next part in a literal CIA interrogation, but I feel like I can here; my "slips" appear as making weird high pitch noises, kind of like a dog whimpering, usually accompanied by me grabbing my hair or covering my face with my arms. More rarely I also hit myself around the head area, or I mutter random nonsensical words under my breath constantly for a few minutes. This has literally never happened to me publicly until a few weeks back, and since then its been happening from time to time which worries me a bit. I think people in public expect me to act a certain way as I am a tall young male, so when I started making that stupid noise and covering my head when I didn't realise somebody was walking behind me, I drowned in cringe as I saw their anxious and hurried step to get ahead of me seconds later while probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

Okay so then after college I had to get home, which was unpleasant as usual, and when I finally got home I remembered about the plan. I sat on the edge of my bed thinking for a bit before I finally grabbed a screwdriver and took the vacuum sealed bags of magic (and hopefully) bus catching sphere's out of my laptop's casing. I put them in my backpack next to a previously purchased bottle of alcohol, a black veil to cover my face so that I wouldn't traumatise anyone who would find me and a plushie I put in there so I wouldn't be alone while I fizzle out into nothingness. I also wrote a quick letter that I put on a pillow, that said to look on the laptop's desktop, where I had left only a mp3 which very briefly explained how I felt about everything in my life. I put on some layers so I wouldn't be cold in the forest I was planning to travel to as it was the evening and it was already dark. However, as I was ready to leave my house, excuses and SI-like stuff flooded my brain...

"Oh its dark you hate the dark you'll be terrified when you get there", "What if it doesn't work out?", "Are you really ready for this or is this just another nothingburger?", "You're a wimp, even if you get there you won't do it.", "What if the stuff you bought is garbage and you will suffer or it won't do anything at all?", "What if one of your parents call?", "What if you vomit?", "What if you get randomly searched by police?" (<-- Welcome to the UK lol) , "What will you do if you get there and you realise its not really as isolated as you thought?"

And so I spent the next 2 hours or so, vocally reasoning with myself about all these points and what I should do. It devolved into the usual paranoia, as although there is currently nothing better for me than to be alone, I have problems with derealisation which only really manifest when I am in fact alone. In this state I am hyper aware of all the noises around me and even the slightest movement of anything around makes me freak out, not even that, my abstract thoughts themselves make me spiral into panic. Eventually, I turned to quietly begging for literally anything to just give me a sign of what I should do because at that point, the hunger from the whole day of starvation, the tiredness, the emotions and my indecisiveness on something I thought I wanted for so long started to break me. In the end I burst into tears, and funnily enough I didn't even realise I fell asleep around that moment until I woke up this morning, still in my coat and dirty shoes, on a mildly damp pillow. I sat on the edge of my bed (this is a repeating theme isn't it) and thought of what happened at night. I listened for, and observed, and even tried to invoke SI thoughts, but I had this complete clarity and detachedness that is really prevalent in mornings for a lot of people so I thought i'm all good to go. I went to the train station and bought a ticket, albeit I was partially sad that I haven't played my favourite game or bed rotted for at least a little bit. But I knew that if I could finally CTB all this crap wouldn't matter anymore because feelings are a trait of the conscious, so I tried to shove these feelings in my pocket... and then I felt the pit from the night before swallow me again.

You can probably deduce I didn't go through with it.

Now I feel not only like a loser, but also a coward. Didn't even get on the train. I just couldn't go further with it in this state of mind, even though I've attached my whole week on this exact moment. Technically I still have time before my mother comes back but I have work tomorrow and I am so not fucking ready, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to live long enough to see tomorrow but it happened which should've been predictable, and now I have to wake up in 5 hours to go there. I don't even know if I can sleep. I'm too paranoid and all the lights in the house are on. As of typing this I haven't brushed my teeth for 3 days, I haven't took a shower in over a week so I probably smell like shit (I can't tell anymore), I haven't changed clothes for 4 days, I'm starved because of this whole failed plan and there is nothing to eat because I haven't bought myself anything but a bounty chocolate bar on my way home, my hands are shaking for no reason, the only things I have to drink are the bottle of alcohol meant for CTB, tap water and some shitty tea... I am a fucking mess and this is unfixable and hopeless, I silently wish I went through with it or that there was someone that made this decision for me yesterday and went with me and forced everything down my throat in that forest and left me there like the bitch I am.

Thanks for reading and goodnight :>

 

[Lost21]

Dont't feel bad . I have chickened out of ctb many times

 

[krsm98]

Hi! So this is going to be my first post, I have been lurking for a small while but only yesterday did I decide to create an account on here. I feel privileged to even write something on here, because this is the only platform of this kind that I know of. I'm also a long time and avid lurker on 4chan but its more for entertainment as the people who vent are met with the usual trolling or rudeness. I'd be too embarrassed to post something like this there anyway.

Also i'm sorry this will be very long, please don't feel like you need to read the whole thing or anything at all!! I'm just hoping that putting thoughts to text will help me in some way :<

I will talk about my experience from today + yesterday, while knitting in other info, just in case I forget about using this platform as I have no motivation and consistency for anything....

To start with, I have been waiting for this week to happen for over 3 months now. This is because my mother that I live with finally went abroad to sort something out, which is rare. And while historically this is a time where I usually engage in an insane amount of gaming, bed rotting, isolation and starving myself, this time its different. This is because although my mother is very vigilant and caring (which I believe to have inevitably turned me into a helpless idiot), it was not enough to spot that I had a stash of wonderfully coloured pills sitting safely inside of my laptop. It took me ages to get to them but i'll get back to them a bit later in this post.

As she left yesterday morning, I thought this was it. I already convinced myself that this is what I've wanted. Actually, the thoughts of CTB have been piling on into a mountain in my mind, starting from August last year. Mind you, I felt this way beforehand, but I don't think I really understood these feelings the way I do now because I wasn't really an adult yet (although now apart from age I really have nothing to do with being an adult). Yet instead of going forward with my plan straight after she left, I decided to still go to college for some reason. I guess I felt obliged, but also she went really early and woke me up as a bonus so I was literally on autopilot mode and just did everything I usually do. Regardless, this experience never failed to let me down, and yesterday it did not either. As always I felt so alone and judged, for most of my days in that place I go without saying more than a simple hello to the teachers as I walk in, or the occasional thank you if someone holds a door open for me, and I know that everyone else in class is aware of this and probably makes fun of it. It gets worse when I mention that my course requires basically no effort, as we have no final exams and all the work feels more optional than mandatory, so it is basically just a social hangout for everyone else in the class. And sometimes, just sometimes, when I overhear my classmates talking about things I like, it rips my heart in half that I can't join the conversation because they would find it weird and awkward since I already put a big "quiet loser" label on my forehead. So I spent the time there as a spectator once again.

And on the trope of spectating, for the past few weeks this is all my life has been. Every single moment feels like I am observing it through someone else's rotten lens. I genuinely can't ground myself for even a second, despite trying even the normie surface level cringy advice such as meditation or "focusing on the present moment" that sometimes worked in the past. And I've heard that most people have an internal monologue, and so do I, in fact I always loved to daydream and have intense conversations with myself, trying to work through things that happened to me or simply pondering topics too complex for me to understand, yet trying to understand them anyway. But now, this internal monologue started to turn into something hellish; sometimes when it starts I can't make it stop until it wants to, and it either says things that it knows will disturb me or simply make no sense such as repeating meaningless phrases over and over in different pitches until it starts driving me nuts. My well crafted mask that I held together over my face with a shaky hand for the past few years has started to melt from the hellfire of despair that has brewed inside of me, and I wouldn't mention this obvious consequence of being emotionally unstable if not for the fact it started manifesting in public, which is literally my worst nightmare because i'm so scared of being judged and being different that even if I sneeze on the bus i'm embarassed and uncomfortable. Now, I would not say this next part in a literal CIA interrogation, but I feel like I can here; my "slips" appear as making weird high pitch noises, kind of like a dog whimpering, usually accompanied by me grabbing my hair or covering my face with my arms. More rarely I also hit myself around the head area, or I mutter random nonsensical words under my breath constantly for a few minutes. This has literally never happened to me publicly until a few weeks back, and since then its been happening from time to time which worries me a bit. I think people in public expect me to act a certain way as I am a tall young male, so when I started making that stupid noise and covering my head when I didn't realise somebody was walking behind me, I drowned in cringe as I saw their anxious and hurried step to get ahead of me seconds later while probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

Okay so then after college I had to get home, which was unpleasant as usual, and when I finally got home I remembered about the plan. I sat on the edge of my bed thinking for a bit before I finally grabbed a screwdriver and took the vacuum sealed bags of magic (and hopefully) bus catching sphere's out of my laptop's casing. I put them in my backpack next to a previously purchased bottle of alcohol, a black veil to cover my face so that I wouldn't traumatise anyone who would find me and a plushie I put in there so I wouldn't be alone while I fizzle out into nothingness. I also wrote a quick letter that I put on a pillow, that said to look on the laptop's desktop, where I had left only a mp3 which very briefly explained how I felt about everything in my life. I put on some layers so I wouldn't be cold in the forest I was planning to travel to as it was the evening and it was already dark. However, as I was ready to leave my house, excuses and SI-like stuff flooded my brain...

"Oh its dark you hate the dark you'll be terrified when you get there", "What if it doesn't work out?", "Are you really ready for this or is this just another nothingburger?", "You're a wimp, even if you get there you won't do it.", "What if the stuff you bought is garbage and you will suffer or it won't do anything at all?", "What if one of your parents call?", "What if you vomit?", "What if you get randomly searched by police?" (<-- Welcome to the UK lol) , "What will you do if you get there and you realise its not really as isolated as you thought?"

And so I spent the next 2 hours or so, vocally reasoning with myself about all these points and what I should do. It devolved into the usual paranoia, as although there is currently nothing better for me than to be alone, I have problems with derealisation which only really manifest when I am in fact alone. In this state I am hyper aware of all the noises around me and even the slightest movement of anything around makes me freak out, not even that, my abstract thoughts themselves make me spiral into panic. Eventually, I turned to quietly begging for literally anything to just give me a sign of what I should do because at that point, the hunger from the whole day of starvation, the tiredness, the emotions and my indecisiveness on something I thought I wanted for so long started to break me. In the end I burst into tears, and funnily enough I didn't even realise I fell asleep around that moment until I woke up this morning, still in my coat and dirty shoes, on a mildly damp pillow. I sat on the edge of my bed (this is a repeating theme isn't it) and thought of what happened at night. I listened for, and observed, and even tried to invoke SI thoughts, but I had this complete clarity and detachedness that is really prevalent in mornings for a lot of people so I thought i'm all good to go. I went to the train station and bought a ticket, albeit I was partially sad that I haven't played my favourite game or bed rotted for at least a little bit. But I knew that if I could finally CTB all this crap wouldn't matter anymore because feelings are a trait of the conscious, so I tried to shove these feelings in my pocket... and then I felt the pit from the night before swallow me again.

You can probably deduce I didn't go through with it.

Now I feel not only like a loser, but also a coward. Didn't even get on the train. I just couldn't go further with it in this state of mind, even though I've attached my whole week on this exact moment. Technically I still have time before my mother comes back but I have work tomorrow and I am so not fucking ready, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to live long enough to see tomorrow but it happened which should've been predictable, and now I have to wake up in 5 hours to go there. I don't even know if I can sleep. I'm too paranoid and all the lights in the house are on. As of typing this I haven't brushed my teeth for 3 days, I haven't took a shower in over a week so I probably smell like shit (I can't tell anymore), I haven't changed clothes for 4 days, I'm starved because of this whole failed plan and there is nothing to eat because I haven't bought myself anything but a bounty chocolate bar on my way home, my hands are shaking for no reason, the only things I have to drink are the bottle of alcohol meant for CTB, tap water and some shitty tea... I am a fucking mess and this is unfixable and hopeless, I silently wish I went through with it or that there was someone that made this decision for me yesterday and went with me and forced everything down my throat in that forest and left me there like the bitch I am.

Thanks for reading and goodnight :>

heyo i read the whole story and dang thats pretty rough honestly im sry that it has had to be that way (and sry if i dont rlly provide a good response i kinda suck at speakin with others :'/). And like the comment above, dont feel bad for it, i've also chickened out and failed on many attempts at ctb when i would have thought i had the perfect chance to do it.

And well have also a pretty similar story to yours where i created the account just recently and have been here lurking for a while lookin for ways to just ctb lol.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

Thanks for being honest enough with yourself to make this post OP, most people aren't even brave enough to peer their own abyss, much less understand it and articulate it to others.

i'm so scared of being judged and being different that even if I sneeze on the bus i'm embarassed and uncomfortable.

you aren't alone in this, I feel uncomfortable and most of the time refrain from even committing small movements in public like taking on or off my headphones because I feel it's making too much movement which makes me conspicuous to others... social anxiety and acute self awareness has no limit to how bad it can get

Now, I would not say this next part in a literal CIA interrogation, but I feel like I can here; my "slips" appear as making weird high pitch noises, kind of like a dog whimpering, usually accompanied by me grabbing my hair or covering my face with my arms. More rarely I also hit myself around the head area, or I mutter random nonsensical words under my breath constantly for a few minutes. This has literally never happened to me publicly until a few weeks back, and since then its been happening from time to time which worries me a bit. I think people in public expect me to act a certain way as I am a tall young male, so when I started making that stupid noise and covering my head when I didn't realise somebody was walking behind me, I drowned in cringe as I saw their anxious and hurried step to get ahead of me seconds later while probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.

big mood, never even seen anyone else talk about this before and I've never felt like talking about it cuz it feels so specific and weird. I do the same, not sure if it's just a result of prolonged social isolation or neurological wiring. But the few times I've had the house to myself when my family goes on holiday a lid unseals on me I wasnt even really conscious I had, and the whole making weird high pitched noises and other spontaneous sounds and physical contortions comes as naturally to me as breathing, and I love it tbh....

self hatred is difficult, I cant tell you how to defeat it, I wish I could, but sometimes you just have to say fuck you to everyone else around you and just do what you want, as long as its a genuine want

 

[wasted19]

Dont't feel bad . I have chickened out of ctb many times

I'm really sorry to hear that :c

And while I'm not sure how your attempts looked like, whether they were chaotic seconds away from an irreversible decision, halfway cancelling like I did, or simply just ruminating CTB knowing you have the resources to do it, it was my first real tangible attempt and it really sucks I didn't go through with it.

I think about it like this: if you don't do it then you look like a larper, attention seeker and/or some edgy teen that doesn't quite understand the sheer scale of what they are saying, and if you do it then it doesn't matter, but this is the hardest part and usually leads you to look like the aforementioned in the case that you don't do it. The more you try and fail, the more that people won't care because its often hard to distinguish between someone faking and someone being serious nowadays. The only fail people will notice and care about is if you make yourself disabled or seriously injured from a botched attempt, and i'm not sure that anyone in the whole history of CTB wanted this.

heyo i read the whole story and dang thats pretty rough honestly im sry that it has had to be that way (and sry if i dont rlly provide a good response i kinda suck at speakin with others :'/). And like the comment above, dont feel bad for it, i've also chickened out and failed on many attempts at ctb when i would have thought i had the perfect chance to do it.

And well have also a pretty similar story to yours where i created the account just recently and have been here lurking for a while lookin for ways to just ctb lol.

Hii

I suck at speaking with others too which is why the only time I appear good at speaking is when I can handcraft a written message from the comfort of my home. And yeah, I mentioned in my previous reply why CTB attempts suck, and I think eventually discourage not only the people around you but yourself as well because at that point you feel like trying is more and more pointless.

I'm a lurker unless something is really special to me, and while 4chan isn't and I never felt the need to post or say anything there, I feel like on here there is something greater going on. The only website I know of where people can openly speak about a topic so prevalent and impactful to many people, without being ostracised and put in straitjackets, waiting to be fixed by the big pharma and turned into obedient tax-slave husks.

In terms of looking for ways to CTB, there are plenty of megathreads that I looked at myself, the only reason I have pills is because I haven't heard about this site until a few weeks back, but tbf if I did I still would've got them even if they are impure and likely unreliable as every other method terrifies me. I feel like SN or FSH just aren't for me.

you aren't alone in this, I feel uncomfortable and most of the time refrain from even committing small movements in public like taking on or off my headphones because I feel it's making too much movement which makes me conspicuous to others... social anxiety and acute self awareness has no limit to how bad it can get

Well I always thought I could finally have friends if I found people like me, but then I realised that people like me are the ones that don't want to be seen or approached because their real self completely shuts down in public. If we were walking in opposite directions on the same street and we crossed each other, we probably wouldn't even see each others faces because we would be both be wearing headphones and staring at the ground.

And that noise stuff I wrote about... I was kinda hesitant to even put it in there because it seems so weird but I find it insane how you describe to have something similar. My theory on it is that this is a result of cultivating all these negative emotions inside for so long with completely no outlet, eventually leading to this makeshift one. Maybe its kind of like that for you too?

 

[krsm98]

I suck at speaking with others too which is why the only time I appear good at speaking is when I can handcraft a written message from the comfort of my home. And yeah, I mentioned in my previous reply why CTB attempts suck, and I think eventually discourage not only the people around you but yourself as well because at that point you feel like trying is more and more pointless.

heyoo, yea i can definitly relate honestly, and even when u got the comfort of being home to make a written messege sometimes also cant help but be in someway still afraid of just messing up for me at least and man it sucks.
And yeah, with ur post above on why CTBs attempts just suck i can definitly agree, sometimes just wishing that idk they could be easier, and just having a finality instead of just seeming like an attention seeker who's slowly annoying people.

I'm a lurker unless something is really special to me, and while 4chan isn't and I never felt the need to post or say anything there, I feel like on here there is something greater going on. The only website I know of where people can openly speak about a topic so prevalent and impactful to many people, without being ostracised and put in straitjackets, waiting to be fixed by the big pharma and turned into obedient tax-slave husks.

Honestly can relate, ive always avoided posting anywhere and just generally lurks around too, but here its also about the only place that i could rlly open up and just speak about something that would be frowned upon by other people :/

In terms of looking for ways to CTB, there are plenty of megathreads that I looked at myself, the only reason I have pills is because I haven't heard about this site until a few weeks back, but tbf if I did I still would've got them even if they are impure and likely unreliable as every other method terrifies me. I feel like SN or FSH just aren't for me.

Yea pretty fair... also for a while been looking at the other CTBs for a while and they are scary or just pretty hard to obtain, and sadly if i had to choose id have to go through the trouble of getting SN if i wish to succeed ngl

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

And that noise stuff I wrote about... I was kinda hesitant to even put it in there because it seems so weird but I find it insane how you describe to have something similar. My theory on it is that this is a result of cultivating all these negative emotions inside for so long with completely no outlet, eventually leading to this makeshift one. Maybe its kind of like that for you too?

I feel I didn't talk about that enough, it's the first time I've seen another person say they've had the same experience. Not necessarily negative self talk, but just internal background voices that appear autonomously and that have no rhyme or rhythm to how they appear. I feel it just emerges the same way dreams do, a mix of subconscious activity being expressed consciously that usually happens when I'm doing something active in the real world.

I think most everyone has this subconscious meaningless mental noise, some just have it more pronounced like us. And where we seem to differ also is less of a filter between internal sensation and an external reaction (like stimming, making sounds etc).