First night of homelessness

[Zzzzz]

Well.. unfortunately I was unable to ctb, despite really wanting to die. I am cold and sleeping outside. It's actually not my first day homeless, just my first day in the last few years. It's about my 547th day homeless in total, including time in shelters. I was not able to get a sleeping bag or blanket. Every day I hoped I could overcome SI, so I could avoid this very situation. Hopefully I die soon, in a not too painful or traumatic way. I don't want to get murdered. I have better methods in mind than that. I cannot endure this for much longer...

 

[maakies]

Stay safe my friend. I sometimes wonder if my desire to CTB but not be murdered is some sort of control issue. It probably is. I guess it just depends on who murders me.

 

[littlelungs]

Nobody should have to be homeless; what a disgusting world we live in. My heart breaks for you. I am so incredibly sorry for your situation.

 

[DobryDen]

I agree - no one should have to go through homelessness.... sorry you're going thru that...

 

[WearyHSP]

Stay safe my friend. I sometimes wonder if my desire to CTB but not be murdered is some sort of control issue. It probably is. I guess it just depends on who murders me.

I had the strange experience of being assaulted by a stranger in my home. I fought back because I assumed he was planning to rape me but then I noticed he had medical gloves beneath his winter gloves. I had the thought, "He's going to kill me" and I thought. "yeah, I'm okay with that." I felt at peace with being killed in the same moment that I was fighting not to be raped.

As horrible as this moment was, it brought a lot of insight to my, still to this day, unrecoverable memories of a trauma event at age 7.
But also, that the suicidal ideation that began when I was 7, was genuine. it wasn't just a fantasy. No normal person responds this way.

It's all just a theory about suicide versus being murdered until something like that happens and makes it clear. I hope most don't have to get an answer the way I did. I wish peaceful deaths to all. I wish we lived in a world where that could be possible.

I don't want to get murdered. I have better methods in mind than that. I cannot endure this for much longer...

Please check in with us - hope you stay safe. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

[little helpers]

dunno where you're based but is there local organizations you can get in touch with? shelter, FNB, programs for domestic abuse survivors (where I live there's Empower Yolo), syringe exchange programs often have resources as well. the one specific organization I know have tents and blankets is Punks with Lunch. have donated to them and they're in the Oakland area. I know psych ward is prolly the last place you wanna be at, though that's one option too, short-term. actually not hard to ctb in a psych ward. save your meds and you can do it there or when you get out.

sending love <3

 

[whywere]

My heart goes out to you, and NOBODY should EVER be homeless period. I was homeless back in 1974 for a bit and I still remember it vividly. Hopefully you can obtain help from a local group, and I send you lots of love and be assured that you are part of a family here. Walter

 

[TheHatedOne]

Oh my... I wish I could say or do something helpful but I'm useless. No one deserves to be homeless, to freeze in the streets and have to fear of being attacked by lunatics. I hope it will be temporary. Take care please. Sending big warm hugs.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I'm sorry. I hope you find some relief, somewhere.

 

[Zzzzz]

Thanks everyone. Last night I ended up getting a hotel room with some of the little money I have saved. I was constantly crying,very cold and uncomfortable. At one point I really felt in danger, that a fate worse than death was trying to find me. But I made it to the hotel safely and I felt much better and safer there. I was going to give an update but yesterday was so difficult emotionally and physically I really just wanted to rest for the night and not think about anything else. I am very tempted to use all my money for a few more hotel days. I'm thinking I should do it. Because I have nothing left to lose and the homeless shelter is going to be absolute shit. I really have no desire to continue in life... I am definitely not grateful for being alive.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a dreadful situation to be in, I'm sorry you are going through this. This life can be very horrible, which is why I see it as better to never be born in the first place. I wish you the best.

 

[Nobuses]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. If only I could help you. Many people complain about little things but having a roof to sleep on is something we should all be thankful for. I hope you can find the solution and do not have to suffer what you are suffering .

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Get yourself a good quality pair of Steel Toe Boots just in case some Lowlife tries to take your stuff! it does happen on the streets!!! Oh and sleep with one eye open! Good luck and be Safe!!!

 

[Rational man]

Well.. unfortunately I was unable to ctb, despite really wanting to die. I am cold and sleeping outside. It's actually not my first day homeless, just my first day in the last few years. It's about my 547th day homeless in total, including time in shelters. I was not able to get a sleeping bag or blanket. Every day I hoped I could overcome SI, so I could avoid this very situation. Hopefully I die soon, in a not too painful or traumatic way. I don't want to get murdered. I have better methods in mind than that. I cannot endure this for much longer...

Such a sad and awful story that no human should endure. And yet authorities everywhere seem okay to let this happen whist THEY take their salary and make noise.

 

[Gsvko]

Wish I could help you <3

 

[Crazy4u]

it is very cold outside :( I hope you find a warm home soon.

 

[Superdeterminist]

That is so awful. Things like this are what make me turn away from existence.

 

[Blue_mist]

Stay safe and warm buddy, i which i could provide any kind of support but i can't even support myself and I think I'll be homeless soon.
What a horrible world.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Thanks everyone. Last night I ended up getting a hotel room with some of the little money I have saved. I was constantly crying,very cold and uncomfortable. At one point I really felt in danger, that a fate worse than death was trying to find me. But I made it to the hotel safely and I felt much better and safer there. I was going to give an update but yesterday was so difficult emotionally and physically I really just wanted to rest for the night and not think about anything else. I am very tempted to use all my money for a few more hotel days. I'm thinking I should do it. Because I have nothing left to lose and the homeless shelter is going to be absolute shit. I really have no desire to continue in life... I am definitely not grateful for being alive.

This might not help, but when I lived in a larger city, we knew all the homeless folks in our neighborhood and were able to keep an eye on them and their needs. Do you have an atm card that you can use to get in to a bank vestibule? Even with the door opening and closing, that would be much warmer. My bank gave one to our local gentleman who preferred not to go to the shelter. He was able to get some food from one of the local restaurants in exchange for sweeping/keeping their sidewalk clean.

There may be people who want to help but just don't know how. I hope they find you. I wish I was there so I could help, too.

 

[Zzzzz]

I am hoping to catch the bus in a few weeks. That is the plan. I have no hope for any recovery at all. I have a method in mind,but it doesn't seem plausible right now. I have a few more days at most for hotel, then I have no choice but go to shelter .

 

[Superdeterminist]

I am hoping to catch the bus in a few weeks. That is the plan. I have no hope for any recovery at all. I have a method in mind,but it doesn't seem plausible right now. I have a few more days at most for hotel, then I have no choice but go to shelter .

I'm really sorry about your situation. I hope you find comfort ASAP in whatever form that takes - finding a place to stay, finding happiness without one (possible?), or leaving this cruel world.

 

[Wrennie]

I have no words. The fact that this kind of suffering (literal torture) is permitted by modern society is downright abhorrent & unforgivable and I'm crying for you right now. Why is there never any answer?

I remember back when I was a naive young child and I'd see homeless people huddled in the corner at the local park, and I'd think to myself that their situations were simply temporary and that someone would definitely reach out and help them (after all, it's what I would've done had I the resources). How truly privileged and sheltered I was to ever believe in such a thing.

The cross that you must bear… That which was unjustly thrust upon you… I wish we could collectively shoulder the burden.

I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice to give as I haven't found myself in this specific situation as of yet (but in all likelihood I'm probably headed in that direction).

If only words could serve as a hearth to warm you, then I'd type out a marathon.
Sending you love & keeping you in my thoughts, since ultimately that's all a person like me can do.

 

[Of The Universe]

I pray you find shelter!!

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Such suffering should not be allowed to exist, homelessness shouldn't be a reoccurring story in a world that's rife with empty homes collecting dust. Is there any organization near you that provides nighttime shelter? Or at the very least, some pillows and blankets, warm clothes? It is awfully cold outside. I can't imagine how painful this must be for you.

 

[Sunset Limited]

My cravings for CTB increase when I see and hear things like this. I don't know what's the point of writing something after I can't help you. Why are we still in this world if we can't help anyone?

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

No-one should ever have to endure the pain of having nowhere to go and no-one to help them, of the services available often being inadequate and unsuitable (for those who can even access them in the first place), struggling to manage the little money they have or having none at all. Not only that, but homeless individuals are far too often dehumanised, ostracised and stigmatised by society, adding another layer of suffering on top of pain that those who have always had a warm home, comfortable bed and food in their cupboards could never comprehend.

I have been homeless myself, and subsequently stayed at shelters, couch surfed where possible and struggled to acquire safe shelter (the supported housing schemes were not always safe and secure, and I was often harassed in these environments, robbed or threatened). It was awful and I wish no-one experienced that.

I am so very sorry you have been alone and crying in the cold. I am relieved you have a hotel to stay in for now. It makes me so sad and angry that anyone has to go through this. My heart truly breaks for you.

As said above by Kuri, there are many empty, unused properties that could provide accommodation to those with nowhere to go. People shouldn't be allowed to have properties gathering dust and unoccupied, when we have others literally on the street with nothing. People shouldn't be allowed to acquire obscene levels of wealth when others have nothing to their name. It is utterly unacceptable and frankly disgusting.

I know it is not much to offer, but if there is anything at all I can do to support you, please do not hesitate to let me know. Sending you so much love and lots of hugs.

 

[Wrennie]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been homeless myself, and subsequently stayed at shelters, couch surfed where possible and struggled to acquire safe shelter (the supported housing schemes were not always safe and secure, and I was often harassed in these environments, robbed or threatened).

No-one should ever have to endure the pain of having nowhere to go and no-one to help them, of the services available often being inadequate and unsuitable, struggling to manage the little money they have or having none at all. Not only that, but homeless individuals are far too often dehumanised, ostracised and stigmatised by society, adding another layer of suffering on top of pain that those who have always had a warm home and bed could never comprehend.

I am so very sorry you have been alone and crying in the cold. I am relieved you have a hotel to stay in for now. It makes me so sad and angry that anyone has to go through this. My heart truly breaks for you.

As said above by Kuri, there are many empty, unused properties that could provide accommodation to those with nowhere to go. People shouldn't be allowed to have properties gathering dust and unoccupied, when we have others literally on the street with nothing. People shouldn't be allowed to acquire obscene levels of wealth when others have nothing to their name. It is utterly unacceptable and frankly disgusting.

I know it is not much to offer, but if there is anything at all I can do to support you, please do not hesitate to let me know. Sending you so much love and lots of hugs.

You make excellent points, as always. Especially where you mention that homeless people are "often dehumanized, ostracized and stigmatized by society."

I remember there used to be a show on Nickelodeon called iCarly that my childhood friends and I watched when we were younger. The show was always poking fun at "hobos" and the concept of "homelessness" in general, and it got away with it because it was geared toward an 'upper middle class' audience.

As a kid I found the outlandishness of the "hobo" characters to be incredibly amusing. Now, as an adult, I see how truly repulsive it was. It's conditioning the newer generations to view the homeless as lesser than human.

 

[Zzzzz]

I don't think there is anything that anyone here can do, except provide emotional support. Which is appreciated. This is one of the hardest times of my life. I'm still in the hotel. In a really shitty, rundown hopeless and dangerous area. And I'm completely alone.

To you people on SS.
If I ctb soon,Throw a party for me,if you can. When I die, it will be the end of a tragic life. Today I woke up and started making preparations for ctb this night, But as the day progressed, doubts and SI crept in, even in these horrifying, hopeless circumstances. I will try again tomorrow, and the next day , forever, until I finally am in the right mindset to catch the bus for good. What is happening in my life is too much for me to deal with, And I don't deserve it. I don't want to cope with a shit life. I want it to fucking end. I've tried coping so many times. It didn't work. I am hoping against the odds that I will ctb in the next few DAYS. If I don't believe in this, I will lose my mind. I have to believe that this will end soon--This nightmare that has been my life--that there's a lasting "light" at the end of this dark tunnel, and not just a temporary fix or band-aid. And imo it will be a cause for celebrating. The thought of all my pain, worries and fears permanently ending is the only thing in life that gives me any hope or joy. Emotionally I am numb. I do not have the strength to keep going in life.

 

[Zzzzz]

Reporting live from the homeless shelter. Well I do feel safer here than I did at the hotel. There are police walking around everywhere here. Phoenix AZ is the#1 city for human trafficking in the country. It's a wonderful world we live in . Such a wonderful gift life is. So fucking wonderful.

 

[noname223]

I feel so extremely sorry for you. But I know I can barely do anything that helps you in this situation. It is a shame how society treats homeless and poor people. I am also very afraid of the day becoming homesless.