Fingers crossed on meto

[lampshade321]

I bit the bullet and ordered my meto through an online health provider... had to lie a lot in my written request. I really hope they don't ask me more questions. This is honestly scarier than trying to get the SN was. I'm also worried they'll see my health history with other providers or something (tried and failed to get it through college health services) hahahahahahaha we'll see.

Fucking terrified of my SN tbh. I keep forgetting it's here. Actually been having a really good week and I stayed off SS completely which was good for me. But I don't see another way out. I'm so scared of dying but I can't stand the thought of being alive any longer. At least it'll be easy, right? Hahahahahahahahahaha. Fuck. However it goes I guess. Part of me fantasizes and dreams about being caught out mid-suicide by someone so that everyone takes me seriously and I'm not just attention-seeking but I still get help. But it's stupid.

I wish I wasn't going to hurt so many people by doing this. I wish everyone in my life hated me; then I'd feel better about killing myself because at least I'm not causing pain to others. Fuck my parents won't take this well. And my younger sibling... really worried about them. I am such a shitty, god-awful person. If I were less selfish I wouldn't be doing this. But I am so selfish. Can't keep going.

 

[schizoidoll]

Part of me fantasizes and dreams about being caught out mid-suicide by someone so that everyone takes me seriously and I'm not just attention-seeking but I still get help. But it's stupid.

I too have this thought a lot, fwiw I don't think it's stupid at all. I don't really know what I should say, but your situation really resonates with me. Have you ever told anyone irl about your feelings? Why do you think they wouldn't prescribe you the meto?

 

[lampshade321]

Hahahahahaha holy fuck they prescribed it I don't know what to say. Fuck. I guess my plans are serious now, I have basically everything I will need once the prescription gets filled. Jesus. Not really sure how to feel.

I too have this thought a lot, fwiw I don't think it's stupid at all. I don't really know what I should say, but your situation really resonates with me. Have you ever told anyone irl about your feelings? Why do you think they wouldn't prescribe you the meto?

Sorry you're going through similar stuff. I haven't spoken with anyone irl about my feelings - I think it really goes one of three ways.
1) Most likely - the people I tell take me super seriously, either it's my parents and they hospitalize me, or it's a friend/school staff and they report me and it goes the same way. And then I have no shot in the future at killing myself if I want to. Also, I'm really scared of hospitalization and under absolutely no circumstances want to experience it.
2) Somewhat likely - they take me seriously, but not like "I'm in immediate danger" seriously, and then if I end up killing myself down the line, they feel guilty. I want to really avoid causing pain to the people I love as much as possible. I had resolved to present a super happy front so no one would feel like they missed warning signs, but tbh I completely failed at that and keep calling my parents to cry and hanging up after three minutes. Need to stop doing that. But I especially don't want anyone to be living with guilt of "Lampshade expressed to me they were suicidal and I could have reported them but didn't and now they're dead."
3) Rationally aware this is unlikely - they don't take me seriously at all and think it's a cry for attention. I know this is the least likely outcome, but to some extent I think I'm more afraid of it than the other two, which is ridiculous, especially because number 2 IMO is the actual worst case scenario.

Situation 2 is also why I haven't tried expressing that I'm suicidal but not in immediate danger (i.e. downplaying symptoms). I really wish I could talk to people irl but I know I'm being so selfish already. The odds that I go through with suicide are high enough that I can't hurt people like that. I would feel so awful for the rest of my life if someone I knew killed themselves and I could have saved them. So I might be a raging hypocrite but I'm not going to put that additional weight on someone else on top of how I'm already going to hurt people.

Was worried about the meto because I failed to get it at college health services, and it was a super stressful experience for me, and I think the provider could tell I was lying. But I came up with a better lie this time with the help of this forum + ChatGPT and the prescription went through right away... and/or online providers are much less concerned with their clients' health LOL. Meto's got some serious side effects.